Trump Monument

Published February 28th, 2017 by Bobby Henderson

Hey everyone — as much as I feel it’s important to keep political views away from our church website, I also recognize that America is incredibly divided at the moment. And I had an idea I hope may heal our nation in some small way.

Specifically this is about Trump’s border wall. I am proposing an alternative project that may satisfy the Left – who are worried about fiscal responsibility, and the Right – who are less interested in factual arguments and more concerned about the message we’re sending to the world. And most of all I hope that this project appeals to President Trump’s aesthetic tastes and his love of grand construction projects.


Letter to President Trump

President Trump: you should build a monument instead of a border wall.

I won’t make the usual arguments against the wall — that border apprehensions are at a 40-year low; that immigrants are not a leading (or growing) cause of crime; that it is technology, not immigrants, taking American jobs. There are countless studies that conclude a border wall will be tremendously expensive and ineffective at its goals.

But I’m sure you understand this.

The wall clearly is about symbolism, about the message it sends to the world. And about you, and what your presidency represents. Here is a wall, you people stay on your side – America is full. The wall is about drawing a line, about Real American values, about American toughness.

But can I suggest to you that your followers may not entirely understand this message? That they may not be attuned to subtle ideas like symbolism? They may be irked after you spend $15 Billion of our tax dollars on a wall that does not improve American lives in any meaningful way, no matter the message it sends.

Let me next appeal to your sense of aesthetics. You’ve spent your life building magnificent buildings, beautiful golf courses, resorts and so on. The Wall will be ugly and plain, the money must be spread across too many hundreds of miles to be spectacular in any given spot. No one will want to come to look at it, no one will be impressed with it’s grandeur. Do you want that to be your legacy?

So I propose you announce a different project — a grand, glittering monument — one that promotes the idea of American Toughness, and which – I think economists will back me up – is a better use of our tax dollars.

Rather than describe the monument in words, I’ve commissioned an architectural concept drawing of the monument:


You’ll notice they’re gold. I did the math* and for a set of testicles roughly 30 feet tall, you can safely budget $10 Billion to gold plate the balls at a thickness of over an inch and still come out under what your border wall is estimated to cost.

And unlike a wall, here you’ll have a monument that people can come and admire in all its glory. Here is the literal symbol of virility and masculine toughness and all things alpha-male. Your followers are unlikely to miss the message.

Plus, this monument is a safe investment — if things don’t work out, the gold can be reclaimed. Unlike a border wall, the money spent gold plating a massive set of testicles is not a wasteful use of taxpayer money.

Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can help with more details and so on (I have some ideas on replacing Obamacare also).

-Bobby Henderson, Concerned citizen and taxpayer


* The math:

A set of balls 10 meters tall has a volume of approximately 697 cubic meters, with a surface area approximately 412 square meters.

At the current spot price of gold at $1256 per Ounce, $10 Billion will purchase 247,635 Kilograms of gold.

With a density of 19320 kilograms per cubic meter, that pile of gold has a volume of approximately 12.81 cubic meters.

That volume, divided by surface area of 412 square meters gives us a gold plating depth of approximately 3.1 CM or 1.2″.

Concept drawing by my artist friend Avelino

150 Responses to “Trump Monument”

  1. Bobby Henderson says:

    I received a few upset messages about this post. I get it, really, lots of us are not on board with President Trump’s agenda. The monument idea isn’t meant to be flippant or ignore the big picture. But it’s not just a joke — I honestly think Trump supporters would get behind a monument celebrating American Greatness, if it was to their tastes. How many Trump people are driving around with nuts on their trucks right now? Trump likes gold. This is the logical plan.

    • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      Yes, Trump IS all about symbolism. A rare period of relative peace? Expand the military! Corporations making record profits? Cut their taxes! Illegal immigration less a problem than any time in decades? Build a wall! However, this monument should not be built until the American public finds their virility (and common sense) and kicks the Trumpster fire out of office.

    • eehpcm says:

      You utter bastard! An implied pun. You left it up to us to fill it in. That is evil.

      You set it all up so you could post a comment mentioning Trump supporters sporting trucknuts. And then left it in our minds to percolate. Those golden orbs, an alternative to the wall, are therefore wallnuts.

      You utter bastard!


  2. Teddi Fishman says:

    Once again, brilliant reading of the political environment and clever, innovative response. Crossing all of my noodly appendages that we make some progress.

  3. Bob Bruce Anderson says:

    Is this the first time you have ventured into the political fray (other than your epic attempts at preserving the wall between church and state)?
    Are you concerned that you will alienate some dedicated Pastafarians who love the “Predator in Chief”?
    Is the situation in DC so dire and dangerous that it’s time for all hands on deck?
    If so, I am sharpening my saber….

    • Pah-ster David Romer says:

      Bob, I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many Pastafarians who support “Grab them by their linguini” Trump.
      But if there are, I would hope they have a sense of humor enough to get it…

      If not… meh. I would suggest that they could wear their tea-bag hats and dance around the balls like a May Day pole.


      • Bob Bruce Anderson says:

        My questions were more rhetorical than concerning. I don’t really care what the thumpers, bigots and pussy grabbers think. Bobby doesn’t say a lot – picks his battles, I guess. Which is admirable. I could learn from his example. I guess the madness around us finally pricked his bubble. Looking forward to more creative suggestions for the monster in chief.

        • Rasputin says:

          Agreed, Bloody Bob Anderson. The Divine Bobby is mostly an absentee, allowing the Community to develop its own ideas rather than complying with his wishes. What a great guy.

  4. Ben woltersdorf says:

    Fuck yes we should build a giant pair of golden testicles.im all for it

    • Rasputin says:

      Why stop at two testicles? Why not three? Put that on the US side of the border as a boast. It’s got to have a “wow” factor. It’s also aspirational.

  5. Minister Fettucini says:

    As a Pastafarian, who is also a proud supporter of Trump and has been since the primaries, I must say that i find the idea of a giant pair of balls to preside over the border to be FUCKING AWESOME!! While the wall would definitely help with the issue of immigration, I do agree that it would be to bland. Even though offense is never given and I trust that the majority of my fellow brothers and sisters can take this with a grain of salt, please understand that this is just my personal opinion. #MakeAmericaGrateAgain

  6. Pastor BvR says:

    Well even tho wallstoballs is brilliant, there is still the main mission of getting Pastafarianism taught with others when legislation is put up and the call should be out in Indiana. Ramen!


  7. Gnocchi Saint Pudding says:

    I think Pastafarians should unite and fund raise for our American brothers: Commission a monument of a large tree, and hanging from its branches, two balls which could be painted gold. Who can object if we want to light up thus – this shiny, decorative, baubly tree in December and celebrate like most people and place gifts under the tree, and so forth? It would be awesome for us Pastas! How can anybody deny American citizens the right
    to erect such a festive monument? It would be a private monument being put up on private land and surely would be legal?

    • Pastor BvR says:

      It can! The entire border between Mexico and Texas is private land on the Texas side. The odds of a Pastafarian owning a property there is quite high.

    • Apprentice Frederic says:

      Gnocchi St. P.’s use of the word “erect” suspected to be a bit arch, but I have to agree in any case. As a side issue, to Pastor Bvr, a famous American general of more than a century ago said something to the effect that we should declare war on Mexico and *make* them take New Mexico back again. That certainly applies to Texas even more.

  8. Hieronymus Fortesque Lickspittle says:

    I normally leave symbols to the symbol minded but support this one hundred percent, America, F#&K YEAH!!

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