Trump Monument

Published February 28th, 2017 by Bobby Henderson

Hey everyone — as much as I feel it’s important to keep political views away from our church website, I also recognize that America is incredibly divided at the moment. And I had an idea I hope may heal our nation in some small way.

Specifically this is about Trump’s border wall. I am proposing an alternative project that may satisfy the Left – who are worried about fiscal responsibility, and the Right – who are less interested in factual arguments and more concerned about the message we’re sending to the world. And most of all I hope that this project appeals to President Trump’s aesthetic tastes and his love of grand construction projects.


Letter to President Trump

President Trump: you should build a monument instead of a border wall.

I won’t make the usual arguments against the wall — that border apprehensions are at a 40-year low; that immigrants are not a leading (or growing) cause of crime; that it is technology, not immigrants, taking American jobs. There are countless studies that conclude a border wall will be tremendously expensive and ineffective at its goals.

But I’m sure you understand this.

The wall clearly is about symbolism, about the message it sends to the world. And about you, and what your presidency represents. Here is a wall, you people stay on your side – America is full. The wall is about drawing a line, about Real American values, about American toughness.

But can I suggest to you that your followers may not entirely understand this message? That they may not be attuned to subtle ideas like symbolism? They may be irked after you spend $15 Billion of our tax dollars on a wall that does not improve American lives in any meaningful way, no matter the message it sends.

Let me next appeal to your sense of aesthetics. You’ve spent your life building magnificent buildings, beautiful golf courses, resorts and so on. The Wall will be ugly and plain, the money must be spread across too many hundreds of miles to be spectacular in any given spot. No one will want to come to look at it, no one will be impressed with it’s grandeur. Do you want that to be your legacy?

So I propose you announce a different project — a grand, glittering monument — one that promotes the idea of American Toughness, and which – I think economists will back me up – is a better use of our tax dollars.

Rather than describe the monument in words, I’ve commissioned an architectural concept drawing of the monument:


You’ll notice they’re gold. I did the math* and for a set of testicles roughly 30 feet tall, you can safely budget $10 Billion to gold plate the balls at a thickness of over an inch and still come out under what your border wall is estimated to cost.

And unlike a wall, here you’ll have a monument that people can come and admire in all its glory. Here is the literal symbol of virility and masculine toughness and all things alpha-male. Your followers are unlikely to miss the message.

Plus, this monument is a safe investment — if things don’t work out, the gold can be reclaimed. Unlike a border wall, the money spent gold plating a massive set of testicles is not a wasteful use of taxpayer money.

Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can help with more details and so on (I have some ideas on replacing Obamacare also).

-Bobby Henderson, Concerned citizen and taxpayer


* The math:

A set of balls 10 meters tall has a volume of approximately 697 cubic meters, with a surface area approximately 412 square meters.

At the current spot price of gold at $1256 per Ounce, $10 Billion will purchase 247,635 Kilograms of gold.

With a density of 19320 kilograms per cubic meter, that pile of gold has a volume of approximately 12.81 cubic meters.

That volume, divided by surface area of 412 square meters gives us a gold plating depth of approximately 3.1 CM or 1.2″.

Concept drawing by my artist friend Avelino

150 Responses to “Trump Monument”

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  1. Cap'n Bucatini says:

    I’m a bit disappointed here. Trump is on his way to turn the US in a christian conservative shithole. He’s gagging reporters and scientists, appoints religious nut jobs, promised to end abortion, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he bans gay marriage as well, in his ongoing quest to please his evangelical voters. And the only thing you find worth mentioning is that stupid wall of his. Talking about missed opportunities.

    • Pirate Tim says:

      Name one.

      • Nate says:

        Name one what?

        • Gnocchi Saint Pudding says:

          Dear Nate, Pirate Tim means: name one ball – so, okay, let’s name it “Jingle.” Perhaps we can name the other one “Bells.”

    • Bobby Henderson says:

      yeah, i hear you. one thing at a time

      • anarsi says:

        How about you stay away from politics and we continue our mission towards freedom of speech, stopping the perpetual brainwashing of children into religions and false science in schools?

        This was the worst thing I have ever read from FSM church, just like sha’ria supporters, but at least they want to promote their religion and don’t take stances on various parties.


  2. SusanGH says:

    Absolutely brilliant!

  3. Bruce deBotany says:

    I think it was about time you voiced your opinion! I hope this is just begining we need to stand up and fight(with books and scientist) . Too much of our future depends on it. Your topic about these giant balls may be odd but let it not only stop you there please, we have bigger issue than the wall!
    I know this is your favorits platform but you need to pop here and thete in social media and cause uproar sometimes.
    I think it would be easier to get hold of Edward Snowden than you!

    • Bobby Henderson says:

      yes, it is the beginning

  4. SillyKiwiMan says:

    Bobby, were it possible, I’d have your babies just for this.

    I salute you, sir.

    • Rasputin says:

      Well said, SKW.

      • SillyKiwiMan says:

        Is the “W” to indicate a gender reassignment, in order to have said babies? Unfortunately that still wouldn’t work…

  5. Hillary myers says:

    My dear sir I think you put forth a great idea. May I suggest a large purse for the balls to be taken out? Maybe a rainbow colored one knitted by a disabled Muslim? I think that would just set the whole scene.

    • Pastafarians suck says:


  6. Aloysius Fardinand says:

    Well, as a mexican, I’m sure that the message with be clearer for everybody with that monument. Just look at how many expressions in spanish involves the testicles. We even make not one, we make three movies about eggs, full of jokes about that. That’s monument it’s a firm statement for the world.

    I can already imagine it:
    -Oye vato, vamos a cruzar la frontera!
    -Nel, me incomoda ver los huevotes del Trump…
    -No, pos’ eso si, mejor nos quedamos acá…

    Captain Henderson, your crew are ready!

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      I wonder if Trump has considered shrinking the length of the Mexican border by moving it down to the Panama Canal.

  7. Dread Pyrate Higgs says:

    Perhaps we could actually build the monument with wheels and, it being hollow, could place it before the White House on September 19th (“Talk like a Pirate” day) of this year. When Trump sees the gleaming tribute as a titillating testament to his triumphant takeover of democracy, he could wheel it in and wonder at it. And, when he finally passes out from all the self-gratification he can handle, the hundreds, if not millions, of seamen (Pastafarian Pirates) hidden inside its voluminous confines could erupt suddenly and infuse the White House with the seed of a free-thinking society.

  8. Rev KG says:

    Bobby, this is amazing! I see that you cleverly left out the fact that 30ft balls pale in comparison to the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s meaty gloriousness. Well played sir, well played.

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