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Trump Monument

Published February 28th, 2017 by Bobby Henderson

Hey everyone — as much as I feel it’s important to keep political views away from our church website, I also recognize that America is incredibly divided at the moment. And I had an idea I hope may heal our nation in some small way.

Specifically this is about Trump’s border wall. I am proposing an alternative project that may satisfy the Left – who are worried about fiscal responsibility, and the Right – who are less interested in factual arguments and more concerned about the message we’re sending to the world. And most of all I hope that this project appeals to President Trump’s aesthetic tastes and his love of grand construction projects.

 

Letter to President Trump

President Trump: you should build a monument instead of a border wall.

I won’t make the usual arguments against the wall — that border apprehensions are at a 40-year low; that immigrants are not a leading (or growing) cause of crime; that it is technology, not immigrants, taking American jobs. There are countless studies that conclude a border wall will be tremendously expensive and ineffective at its goals.

But I’m sure you understand this.

The wall clearly is about symbolism, about the message it sends to the world. And about you, and what your presidency represents. Here is a wall, you people stay on your side – America is full. The wall is about drawing a line, about Real American values, about American toughness.

But can I suggest to you that your followers may not entirely understand this message? That they may not be attuned to subtle ideas like symbolism? They may be irked after you spend $15 Billion of our tax dollars on a wall that does not improve American lives in any meaningful way, no matter the message it sends.

Let me next appeal to your sense of aesthetics. You’ve spent your life building magnificent buildings, beautiful golf courses, resorts and so on. The Wall will be ugly and plain, the money must be spread across too many hundreds of miles to be spectacular in any given spot. No one will want to come to look at it, no one will be impressed with it’s grandeur. Do you want that to be your legacy?

So I propose you announce a different project — a grand, glittering monument — one that promotes the idea of American Toughness, and which – I think economists will back me up – is a better use of our tax dollars.

Rather than describe the monument in words, I’ve commissioned an architectural concept drawing of the monument:

Balls.

You’ll notice they’re gold. I did the math* and for a set of testicles roughly 30 feet tall, you can safely budget $10 Billion to gold plate the balls at a thickness of over an inch and still come out under what your border wall is estimated to cost.

And unlike a wall, here you’ll have a monument that people can come and admire in all its glory. Here is the literal symbol of virility and masculine toughness and all things alpha-male. Your followers are unlikely to miss the message.

Plus, this monument is a safe investment — if things don’t work out, the gold can be reclaimed. Unlike a border wall, the money spent gold plating a massive set of testicles is not a wasteful use of taxpayer money.

Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can help with more details and so on (I have some ideas on replacing Obamacare also).

-Bobby Henderson, Concerned citizen and taxpayer

#BallsNotWalls


* The math:

A set of balls 10 meters tall has a volume of approximately 697 cubic meters, with a surface area approximately 412 square meters.

At the current spot price of gold at $1256 per Ounce, $10 Billion will purchase 247,635 Kilograms of gold.

With a density of 19320 kilograms per cubic meter, that pile of gold has a volume of approximately 12.81 cubic meters.

That volume, divided by surface area of 412 square meters gives us a gold plating depth of approximately 3.1 CM or 1.2″.

Concept drawing by my artist friend Avelino



122 Responses to “Trump Monument”

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      Osman,

      As a brother in carbohydrates, is it possible to tell us what the loan process entails? I have my box of sacrifical pasta sitting in its holy collander to bless a successful financial transaction.

      All praise to FSM,

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      • Captain Birdseye says:

        The ‘loan process’ is simply to send osman several thousand dollars in scamming fees and wait for nothing.

  2. Rasputin says:

    Mr. Trump has recognised Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. The nearest comparison I can think of is from the Woody Allen movie, “Bananas”. Go to:
    https://youtu.be/EV4n2dK0cMk . A new leader is regarded as a hero but, as soon as he’s in power, everyone realises he’s INSANE.

    • Rasputin says:

      Sorry, that should be https://youtu.be/EV4N2dk0cMk

    • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      EVERYONE told Trump it was a bad idea, but that’s his specialty.

  3. Cool Dog says:

    PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM POLITICS! Any political discussion nowadays has become an “us and them” diatribe that directly or indirectly insults roughly half of the population regardless of party. BOTH sides use emotion-based arguments laced with often incorrect or misquoted “facts” to denigrate those that believe differently from them.

    (Gee… that sounds an awful lot like most of the mainstream religions that those of us that belong to this church are trying to get away from.)

    Politics is no more than another “us and them” religion… please don’t buy into the underlying fears that breed that kind of thinking.

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Cool Dog, politics has always been about ‘us and them’ and sophistry. Improved education is the answer.
      Whilst some people can make a religion out of anything, you will need to rewrite the dictionary if you want ‘politics’ to be defined as a religion. More likely, religion may be the purest form of politics.

      • anarsi says:

        This is what every religion said, ever. I’m 100% sure sha’ria is revered as the purest form of politics in muslim countries, same as the spanish inquisition.

        The argument of “But they are malevolent and we are trying to do good” is also the argument every other religion made, the same argument that sends gays to death in arabic countries.

        In fact, the worst things were always done by religion intervention in politics

  4. Pheasant Lord says:

    Osman Ibrahim post is definitely a scam do not fall for it my noodely brothers and sisters. Someone has defiled our sacred holy online church with scams that belong on Scamalot (James Veich)

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  6. anarsi says:

    I am a Pastafarian for close to 10 years now and a missionary of FSM in Romania.

    However, I was not aware that Church of FSM is a political party. I guess it’s the path every religion took, politics are just too enticing, right?

    That said, please count me out and good luck in becoming a political party. My advice though is quit getting involved in politics, taking stances on policies that do not affect religions and freedom of speech.

    PS: Every country or community thrive towards secure borders and do their utmost to keep criminals out. Every illegal immigrant is by definition a criminal proven to disregard one country’s laws

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Anarsi, religion is the purest form of politics. At what point do colonists cease to be criminals? You seem more like a paid troll.

      • anarsi says:

        Colonists, invasions, wars that happened hundreds and thousands of years ago are relevant today because…?
        Religion has nothing to do with politics, and when it did got involved, it was for the worst, every single time since the beginning of religions to today.

        Besides, FSM is supposed to address humanity problems, specifically religion intervening in politics, education and imposing social norms. This right here makes the whole Church of the FSM just a little squirmy worm in the politics of USA, when most of the world doesn’t really give 2 sh**s about USA.

        In the absurd communist system of 2 rotten parties of USA, things like this are just an attack on FSM supporters that are liberal/democrat… thrump’s party supporters

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Because history is an essential subject and the same colonial mentality appears to be behind current wars. The single word ‘dominion’ aims to justify power and control. Organised religion is interpersonal control and thus political, which may be why it is invariably hijacked and cultivated.
          I see no evidence of Pastafarians being aligned with any political party.
          The World is very interested in what America does, particulary, how they manipulated the League of Nations/United Nations on several major issues, how they treat their poor, let alone the bizarre guns and bible culture. In contrast, it is most Americans who know nothing of what is beyond their borders and can’t even locate New York on a map. Luckily, this proud national ignorance also seems to produce many millions of the complete opposites, with heroic figures such as Mark Twain.
          Strangely, most Americans regard European countries as communist, though, I suspect it’s only by comparison.

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