Please do not delude yourself

Published November 11th, 2015 by Bobby Henderson

Been a while since I posted one of these, but this one irked me.

Please do not delude yourself that people of real faith are not interested themselves in where you and the other FSM assholes live, and where your loved ones attend school, or work etcetera….

I am not making any threats of any kind, as I am a non-violent Christian.

However, all of the people with my beliefs are not so willing to tolerate your silliness.

My advice is to shut down this pathetic folly, before people far less tolerant of your mockery of their spirituality take an active interest in your membership on a very personal level…

Kevin B

Not sure if that’s a threat or general douchery. It’s weird that people can send such vile messages and assume (hope?) that we won’t publish their identities. I don’t have much interest in publicly shaming, but it’s tempting. You get a C for effort, Kevin. Next time leave an anonymous note or something on my car.

But I think we should give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s having a rough day, not not-so-subtly threatening us. I think Kevin needs the FSM in his life.



2,702 Responses to “Please do not delude yourself”

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  1. SillyKiwiMan says:

    I think he’s a cock.

    It’s easy to be tough from behind a keyboard.

    “I am not making any threats of any kind, as I am a non-violent Christian.” is the equivalent of “I’m not racist, but”.

    There are so many examples of their god directly intervening in things, striking down entire cities in fact, then *nothing*! If we’re so offensive, just hurry up and smite us already. I don’t want to have to wait until I eventually die. I have shit to do.

    • The Sauceror says:

      Dear Silly Kiwi, that kind of reminds me of those people who say, “I can make black people sit at the back of the bus– ’cause I have black friends”, or “I can treat women however I like, ’cause I have women friends”, or “I can humiliate Hispanics and treat them like shit– ’cause I have Hispanic friends”, or “I can deny all the rights I want to deny to Gays, ’cause I have Gay friends”, or “I can torture Muslims, ’cause I have Muslim friends”. With friends like that, it would be hard to find any enemies. Unfortunately, on the other hand, it’s as U.S. Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall said, “My Dad told me way back… that there’s no difference between a white snake and a black snake. They’ll both bite.” I don’t want to have to wait ’til the bitter end to find out the truth, either. I have shit to do, too. Ramen.

    • Anti Atheist says:

      Quit talking about your genitalia fantasies.

    • Bass God says:

      What do you know about being tough mang! Scientology is where its at douchebag! #Freemyniggagary

      • Bob marley says:

        #freemyniggagary all day nigga

        • I eat ass says:

          #freemynigggary

      • Fuffles the Frying Pan says:

        Blasphemy!

    • Bob marley says:

      Bass God all day, call me daddy cause that waht yo girl call me, my homie didn’t do thoing call me george lopez cause all day we outchhea, i took yo girl to the fair nigga, call me nigga cause im the nigga doin yo girl

      • Bass God says:

        My girl does call you daddy trout!

        • George lee says:

          My girl does call you daddy, good lookin fam

    • Pastafarian Wench says:

      @SillyKiwiMan I would have stopped at “COCK” as opposed to “cock”. He earned it…
      We all know we have made it big now…coz we have HATE mail.
      So lets not be Noodly Stinges about it. Lets thank our HATERS for their help, support and publicity!! THANK YOU HATERS!!
      R’Amen

  2. Painedumonde says:

    Smiting aside, this thoughtful, caring christer has only the noodles and their safety in his heart and mind. What bothers me most, is the fact that he knows that others in his fold are malevolent, in his god’s fold are malevolent and warns us about them, even as his god and his zombie son preach peace and love.

    This further clarifies to me,at least, the christian god is malevolent, evil and imperfect. Only the ineffable noodle knows what is right and good. May his marinara forever flow!

    Bonne chance, vous , les chiens scorbuts !

    • The Sauceror says:

      Dear Panduman, I’m not sure about the Chinese scar butts, but I agree with most of what you said. I hope you will be joining our church quite often. Ramen.

      • Rasputin says:

        Dear Painedumonde, Yahweh/Jehova/Allah is just a horrible myth from ancient times. It doesn’t actually exist. Mankind is waking from its nightmare.

        • Pam says:

          Dear Rasputin,

          You seem to be a scholarly and holy, holy, thrice holy individual, so I am hoping you can address some concerns I have about the whole Christianity vs Pastafarian debate. I want to commit to the Pasta Deity before the Second Pudding arrives and I have definitely rejected Jesus because the bible claims that He proclaimed himself to be a door and honestly, how on the Spaghetti’s green earth could a silly thing like THAT be true?!!! I see no reason why anyone should worship a mere door. A door is just a rectangular piece of wood, ffs!!!

          Nor do I believe all those Abrahamic visions of the Day of Judgment where a lamb sits on a white throne and examines the souls of everyone who ever lived on a one to one basis, thereby giving literally billions of souls a chance to explain themselves. Surely this is going to take ages. Every one of these souls will inevitably bang on for hours at a time about why they should be saved. I asked some Christians how long they thought the queue would be for this and whether there would be refreshments. Needless to say, I got no answer (or at least no sane answer) so I have turned tentaively to the Noodly one.

          I have read some of the Gospel of the FSM but I am unclear how He intends to meet and greet his followers on Noodlegeddon Day (never mind all the unsaved heathens, Christians and Muslims that He will need to talk and listen to).

          So my question is this: Does the pizza guzzling, beer quaffing and pirate fratranising begin whilst people are still in the Judgment Day line or do we have to wait in a pastaless condition until we get to the front? Can we get special dispensation as true believers and get shunted to the front or even exempted altogether?

          Sorry to bang on, Brother Rasputin but I am in such sore need of giudance from you or anyone else who knows what they’re talking about.

          Many thanks. May the Holy Canberra be with you always.

          Pam.

          .

        • Canoodle says:

          Dear Pam, your concerns are shared by many recent converts. I am not a scholar and I have never been shot, even once, so I am unqualified to comment. Nevertheless I will! My own personal belief is that Jesus actually said “I am a do-er” and in typical biblical fashion it was mistranslated. (Or he may have been Scottish and simply said ‘I feel dour’.) We will never know.

          I also don’t believe all those Abrahamic visions of the Day of Judgment but I will concede he made a pretty good president. We will be Raptured on pirate ships while non believers will have to queue for Ryan Air. I think Judgement Day will be like an international airport with lines for believers manned by drunk, bored Pastafarians while the rest get met by Australian Border Force officers (https://twitter.com/pixelsandatoms/status/484590448971767808). I could be wrong.

          If there is any doubt about your belief, or if they are hungry, you may be asked to whip up a quick Spaghetti Marinara or demonstrate basic instant noodle dunking, depending on their state of inebriation. Hence the importance of your holy colander and the holy ‘I’d really rather you didn’t’ commandment that “In cases of Rapture please place colander on top of your head.”

          So for Pastafarians the fraternising begins immediately but the god botherers will need to wait in line to be interviewed by 72 virgin lambs. (Religious dogma is soooo confusing!) As initially stated I am a novice and just make it up as I go along. Much like all the other religions. I am sure Rasputin will provide much more enlightening insight into your serious questions.

  3. The flying frenchman says:

    He is a “non-violent christian”. That’s good.

    Do we have to understand that there are violent christians worshiping a non-violent christian god ?

    If that’s the case, Kevin was so kind to take the time to blame the potential victims of bad christians with this still fresh and friendly warning: “You’re dressed too slutty, no wonder if you get raped”. He already have so much work dedicating his life fighting christians corrupting the message of his benevolent god (doing less than that is unthinkable for a true non-violent christian).

    But maybe I’m wrong, maybe that’s only a friendly warning saying that there are violent christians worshiping a violent christian god ?

    • Rasputin says:

      Welcome, Flying Frenchman. Come here more often.

    • Keith says:

      No, FF. You are right.

  4. Rasputin says:

    Dear Esteemed and Divine Bobby, you are the messenger of our Noodly Deity’s Peace and Love. If sick deranged Christians dislike our message, the fault is with them. Kevin B has precisely proven your point. Ramen and keep up the good work.

  5. David Belliveau says:

    If anyone really wants to come and teach me a lesson for preferring to wear the colander rather than the crucifix, I’ll make it easy for you.

    Here I am on Google Maps.

    https://www.google.ca/maps/@46.0226528,-64.5565624,19z/data=!3m1!1e3

    Call ahead and I’ll make sure that there’s plenty of coffee to go around. Stay for lunch…we’ll have some pasta based food.

    Once we’re done eating, I’ll have one question for you. If you can answer the question to my satisfaction, I’ll leave pastafarianism for good and join whatever group you belong to. I’ll even join your choir.

  6. Not_Real says:

    I’ve got to say, I love you guys. I also need to apologize. When a friend first told me that this was a real religion, I thought it was a joke that South Park came up with until that moment, but now I see that this is real. I’ve been on this sight a few times and have read a lot of the posts, and every time, I’m surprised at the tolerance you people show for other religions, it amazes me.

    If that sounded demeaning in any way, I apologize, I meant it as a compliment. This is honestly amazing and I’ve considered joining so many times since I first found this site, but I cannot go public with this faith. It’s not that I’m embarrassed, but things going on right now prevent me from being able.

    • Pam says:

      Hush your unpious babblings. Kevin B knows where you live. What if indiscriminate smiting ensues because of all your colonder tounting silliness?
      What the hell is the matter with you?!!!!

      • Rasputin says:

        Dear Not_Real, Welcome to our Pastahood! We understand it’s difficult to come out as a Pastafarian because of bullies.Bide your time, eat pasta with the unbelievers and they won’t know you’re taking the sacrament.

    • Pam says:

      Dear Notreal

      Hush your unpious babblings. Kevin B knows where you live. What if indiscriminate smiting ensues because of all your colonder tounting silliness? And just what exactly do you think is notreal. You are endangering our very souls with your insane, faith hating remarks.

      What the hell is the matter with you?!!!!

      • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

        Now, Pam – be more tolerant. Especially someone who may be an acolyte of the FSM (pesto be upon him) soon. And Not_Real, it’s OK to not come out publicly at first. You can stay in the pantry, as we like to say. Once day you may accept that the Noodly Master boiled for your sins.

        • Pam says:

          Dear The Few The Proud

          You are, of course, right. I quite forgot myself for a minute there. I had a flashback to my Christian days and the intolerance, bile and unpleasantness came rushing back. Old habits die hard but I am on a new road now and it is paved with heavenly pasta shells.

          The FSM will love you and keep you all … except for Kevin. Kevin is going to the red hot eternal pizza oven of perpetual baking punishment located in the bowels of the planet.

          Hallelujah

          Rmen.

        • The Sauceror says:

          Hmmmmm…… an eternal pizza oven. I’m thinking blasphemous thoughts. Is there a beer volcano and a stripper factory near this pizza oven?

    • Alphy says:

      NR, Are you ashemed of our beloved FSM? You don’t have to be like the fundy ‘Christians’ who would ask – “Are you ashamed of Jesus?” These people make spectacles of themselves in public deliberately drawing attention to themselves praying out loud in restaurants and other public places, prosyletizing and annoying good people with their self righteous and hateful ramblings of condemnation and doom. Be free, be open. You do not have to be ashamed of our beloved Flying Spaghetti Monster. He will bless you for your tolerance and open mindedness towards others even if they reject his love as the one and only true God and creator of the universe. May his Marinara be upon you and Fettuccine Alfredo guide you. All, Glory, honor and praise be to him our Creator and God, our beloved Flying spaghetti Monster!

      • The Sauceror says:

        Right now, NR is just angry at the FSM. Once NR realizes that the FSM is the one true God, he will embrace his Excellency’s noodly appendages and discover the pleasures of our delicious carbohydrate-based religion. Pasta.

        • Not_Real says:

          Can’t say I’m really surprised at these responses, this is still a religion after all. However, this has helped me make up my mind. This religion isn’t for me. I’ve looked into it more since yesterday, and I just can’t do it. I’ve spent my entire life as part of a religion that I hate, and even though there are clear differences, the fact remains that this is a religion, and they’re all the same to me. Sorry, but I won’t be embracing His Noodliness anytime soon, the same way I won’t be accepting Christ or waiting for the Messiah;.

        • bruceo says:

          We’ll miss you!

        • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

          Just remember, NR, ours is the only religion with a 60 day guarantee! If you don’t feel rinsed clean within 60 days, you get your soul back.

    • Saint Gnocchi says:

      Dear Not Real, I know who you really are! Just to prove to you that I really do know who you are: You and I have exchanged posts fairly recently, not so? I solemly promise not to tell anyone who you are. When YOU finally decide to make a break from the nuttier elements of your present religion, we will be there for you, and help you to defend your right to think FOR YOURSELF. I realise why, too, you want to keep this a secret for now. I will urge my fellow Pastas (in case they also think they know who you really are) NOT to di vulge, since this will put unwarranted pressure on you. Are you serious about what you said? And are you re-thinking all the stuff people have brainwashed into you from day one? Good on you!

      • Rasputin says:

        Dear Not_Real, Our Noodly Deity is present within you, every time you eat pasta and drink beer. Accept Him and His noodly blessing. He loves you even if you don’t love Him back. Ramen.

      • The Sauceror says:

        Dear St. G, da-ta-da ta-da. Not talking about anyone in particular, but did you happen to notice how well Gayclops, not real, and Nate are getting along? I’m seeing some French “eating for three”……. and more power to them.

        • Alphy says:

          Oh, yeah! Seems birds of a feather stick together. Basically, their cut from the same cloth.

        • Alphy says:

          Seems I rarely post anything without an error in spelling, grammar or sentence structure. I usually post then notice my stupid errors later. I enjoy reading the posts of all you Pastafarians. Hope you will forgive my numerous errors but reposting my corrected texts would only take space away from other’s contributions.

        • Not_Real says:

          I don’t know what you mean. I sincerely hope none of you know who I really am because I’ve never spoken to any of you that I know of prior to this. This is the first article I’ve put a comment on and don’t see any responses from Nate or Gayclops. Can one of you explain? Especially Saint G. Sorry, man, but I’ve never spoken to you prior to this. Not that I know of anyway.

  7. Pam says:

    Sorry I double posted. Now I,ve posted yet again.
    just to say so and I see no duplicate delete opton. Which is a bit cheap on the site’s part but never mind.

    Rmen

  8. Captain Hook says:

    He says he is non violent yet he starts by calling us all assholes? This is why his noodley goodness has blessed the true believers cause all we do is laugh at idiots like this. I can say with no doubt in my mind that NO Christian will ever do anything to me or my family. My Borched Mesom will see to that.

    • Pam says:

      Dear Captain Hook

      Re Non-violent Kevin

      Same here. Nobody should be rushing to demand entry into a Witness Protection Scheme just because Kevin wants to take Yahweh’s murderous agenda into his own hands. Like me, you hopefully have your Breastplate of Noodly Righteousness to hand should you need to defend yourself and your family against any planned stealth attacks and incidents of holy war on the part of Kevin, the non-violent Christian. Just in case, though, I have a spare helmet shaped Colander of Salvation should you find yourself in need of additional protection from the Jesus Freak Brigade.

      Here is what I don’t understand, though. According to the Christ Jesus of perpetually wrong prophecies, a rise in the number of mockers who come a-mocking is a sign of the end times. Surely, then, Kevin should be rejoicing and thanking us instead of trying to find out where we live so that he can carry out non-violent violence on Pastafarians in the name of his invisible imaginary pal in the sky. Perhaps Kevin should read 2 Peter 3:3, which says this:-

      “Above all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires, their own lusts”.

      This is flagrant ingratitude on Jesus Kevin’s part, if you ask me. But anyway, f##k him.

      All Aboard the Gloty Train, which is bound for piracy and glory. I love you all, my siblings in blessed varieties of wheat products. Let us exalt in our own noodle-loving apostasy.

      Rmen.

      • Captain Hook says:

        My boat is ready for the water, it’s just a boat not a ship.

        • The Sauceror says:

          Captain Hook, boat/ship: as long as it was stolen, it doesn’t matter what you call it. May FSM bless the borched mesoms and pray that they don’t lose their tempers.

        • Pam says:

          Rmen.

        • the sauceror says:

          pam! its R´Amen!

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