The FSM Is Protecting Your Children

Published February 29th, 2012 by Bobby Henderson

Safety First

My wife and I returned from Target to apply our new child safety lock on our under-the-sink cabinet when i thought "Whoa Its the FSM!"

– Paul N, Kansas City, MO

82 Responses to “The FSM Is Protecting Your Children”

  1. Jake says:

    Oh my gosh- YOU ARE WORSHIPPING FOOD. THIS IS A PILE OF PASTA I EAT IT EVERY DAY! It taste good and I don’t pray to my food. You should be praying to God- he’s the TRUE one and I hope you all realize the big mistake your making by worshipping an idol.

    • SillyKiwiMan says:


      That’s more like it! A classic fundie imbecile incapable of reading the “about” tab. Oooooh what a naughty blasphemer I’ve been. Please condemn me to hell. Please please please please please! (just so you know though, condemning me to hell is like a hippy threatening to punch you in your aura)

      • Jake says:

        Why the heck do you look like you jumped out of a pirates of the carribean movie

        • Keith says:

          I guess that means you still haven’t read the “about” tab. It’s sad when someone feels they have to pound away on the keyboard for want of clicking a couple of buttons.

        • SillyKiwiMan says:

          My religious garb.

          Like the slack-jawed expression of stupidity you wear. It helps the world to recognise fundies & avoid/pity them.

    • SillyKiwiMan says:

      Besides, I find the worship of our deity much more palatable than yours. Pun very much intended.

    • I HATE THE FSM says:

      I agree! Finally someone else on here who ALSO think the FSM is a stupid pile of pasta!

      • Rev. Chamberlain says:

        Dear Hate-filled person, are you for real or just a joke? Just curious.

      • Fred Phelps says:

        I HATE THE FSM .. at last, dear girl, we’ve found you. Return to WBC immediately, a Mission From God awaits you.

        • Keith says:

          Dear Fred
          I thought you were dead
          Was it a lie
          Or was it all in my head?

        • Fred Phelps says:

          Dear Keith
          You thought I was dead?
          Restrain your grief
          Love from Fred.

        • Rasputin says:

          What’s “WBC”?

        • Keith says:

          Westboro (lazy spelling) Baptist Church

        • Master Bates says:

          Rasputin, WBC are Primitive Baptists who believe in Predestination = some elite people are born heaven-ready, the rest, however good, have been created solely, and unavoidably, for hatred and Hell.
          The Phelps family are WBC’s sole congregation and are America’s Most Hated Family, a title that Fred Phelps reveled in. They’re the mob who picket funerals with signs such as: “Thank God For AIDS/IED’s/Dead Soldiers etc.” Read a disturbing article called Addicted To Hate. Long, but enlightening.
          When Fred (may piss be upon him) died, Chris Hitchins (may pesto be upon Him) famously said: ‘If Fred’s body is given an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox’.

        • The Sauceror says:

          I don’t think the original Fred Phelps was worthy of my piss.

        • Fred Phelps OBE, KFC says:

          Oh…. the joy….. HATE is intoxicating!

        • Fred Phelps OBE, KFC says:

          …… I forgot: “Thank God for Dead Pirates.” ;)

    • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      Why exactly do you pray to god? Even if he existed, does his ego need the praise? Is he so senile he needs to be reminded of how great he is? Or are you trying to sway him from what would necessarily be a perfect plan? A god would not need prayer; in fact he would probably find it annoying. It would be selfish whining in most cases, and mindless programming in all others.

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        tFtPtM….. and their claim of Omniscience only confuses me further. If God already knows the future, that means the future is predetermined. If God can’t change the future, He can’t be Omnipotent. If the future is fixed and God is powerless, why bother calling Him God?
        Prosperity Christians believe their prayers will be rewarded with new cars, TVs and money. It’s a narcissistic Cargo Cult.

        • Rasputin says:

          Thanks, Keith and Master. I thought it was something to do with the World Wrestling Federation.

        • Keith says:

          What, big sweaty overweight guys shouting at each other and throwing their weight around? Pretty much the same thing.

  2. UhOhSpaghettiO says:

    Jake! Many religions worship food! What do think communion is? As Tom Robbins puts it, “Swallow the Leader.”

    • Keith says:

      I haven’t heard “Uh Oh Spaghettio” for years!

      • UhOhSpaghettiO says:

        I hadn’t either. Just read Tom Robbins’ “Still Life With Woodpecker.” After reading (almost) his entire collection, I’m convinced Robbins is either a true Pastafarian, or at the very least, a Pastafarian at heart.

        • UhOhSpaghettiO says:

          The phrase “Uh Oh, Spaghettio” is repeated frequently in that novel, by the way.

        • Keith says:

          I’d have to agree with you: it must be a mantra. All praise His Noodliness!

    • I HATE THE FSM says:

      Communion isn’t food worship. It’s meant to REPRESENT THE BLOOD OF JESUS!!!!

      • SillyKiwiMan says:

        And the non-existent body. Don’t forget the non-existent body.

      • Keith says:

        And according to the inappropriately named Catholic Church the wafers actually turn into flesh and the wine turns into blood. It is called transubstantiation. Personally, I can’t think of anything more revolting (unless it turns into maggots or centipedes: that would be more revolting).

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        HATE… transubstantiation means it is actual flesh and blood, not, a symbolic representation. Anyway, consuming the flesh and blood of a zombie is Voodoo.
        What is your Biblical authority to hate other’s beliefs and practices?

      • The Sauceror says:

        Dear HATE, Cap’n Bird is absolutely right. Communion is NOT the ‘representation’ of the blood and flesh of your Jebus. It is the LITERAL flesh and blood of your dead Jew on a stick that you cannibal vampires eat. Oh— your loving Prince of Peace is going to GET you now. Prepare for eternal damnation.

        • Gandhi says:

          ‘I like your Christ, but, He is so unlike your Christians’

      • Rasputin says:

        Spaghetti represents the noodly delicious embrace of the FSM!

  3. UhOhSpaghettiO says:

    the phrase “Uh Oh, Spaghettio” is repeated frequently in that novel, by the way.

    • St. Arrrrgyle says:

      How ironic.

  4. Capt. Nemo says:

    I only now realize just how wrong and misled that I’ve been Capt. Nemo

  5. Capt. Nemo says:

    where is my free Gravatar? Can I down load my own

  6. Rasputin says:

    It’s so FUNNY when people like “I HATE” visit our site. It confirms my choice of deity.

    • I HATE THE FSM says:

      I knew you were getting a kick out of it!

  7. Saint Gnocchi says:

    Dear Rasputin, Do you think I should send to our site a photo of the FSM I created a few months back? I am rather proud of Him, me darling noodlebum.

  8. Rasputin says:

    Dearest St. G., yes, please send the photo. Did you photograph an apparition of the FSM Himself, or create a likeness and photograph it?

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