The FSM Is Protecting Your Children

Published February 29th, 2012 by Bobby Henderson

Safety First

My wife and I returned from Target to apply our new child safety lock on our under-the-sink cabinet when i thought "Whoa Its the FSM!"

– Paul N, Kansas City, MO

82 Responses to “The FSM Is Protecting Your Children”

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  1. opiesysco says:

    HE does love our children. He does not want anything bad to happen to them, like getting attacked by a bear or being thrown against the rocks.

    May HIS sauce be upon you.

    • Austin says:

      noodley appendage c:

    • I HATE THE FSM says:

      I will NEVER worship food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Captain Cannolli says:

        Communion anyone? Cheers!!! Hmmm the blood wine and Jesus meat are plain and dull.

        Beer and spaghetti on the other hand are spicy delicious!

        • Rasputin says:

          Well said, Captain Cannolli.

  2. TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

    He also would never ask a parent to cut his child in half, or sell them into slavery.

    • Brian Fritzen says:

      Indeed, good sir! And how else would He show such love other than through this revelation in the form of a child safety lock. Sauce be with you.


      • Wayne says:

        And Verily, He would never instruct a Father to allow the entire Village, Burrough, Suburb, Town, Community, Estate, Block of Units or Apartments, Master Planned Residential Community or Retirement Village to have their way with his Daughter. For He cares for our Children, and Loves them, because He is full of Complex Carbohydrates and Opiesysco said so. Nor would he allow their Wiggles records to have Evil Messages heard when played Backwards, or in Reverse, for he is the One True Monster, and No Other Monsters Shall Come Before Him!

        • Ferenst Anrtpologist says:

          Ramen, Brother Wayne, Ramen. Preach, Dear Brother, preach; verily tell of the infinite compassion and glory of our wondrous FSM.

        • Wayne says:

          And yea, verily, he will not casteth the Children out of the Loungeroom, nor maketh them watch endless repeats of Antiques Roadshow, Dog the Bounty Hunter, American Pickers or Gossip Girl. For instead shall He sendeth the Adults to the House of Ale, and showeth the Children, endless repeats of Phineas and Ferb, Victorious, iCarly, That’s So Raven and Invader Zim. And all the Midgets, Midgits and Pirates shall rejoice!, for He hath a 60′ Neo Plasma Television gained through a Rental Scheme, and hath borroweth a Nintendo Wii, that cometh with Super Mario Bros. Wii, for the Children Shall Be Entertained!

  3. Abazur says:

    Truely His noodly love is allencompassing. May thy children bee touched by his saucy goodness, and know this: His balls with you, allways.


    • Abazur says:

      Edit: His balls ARE with you…

  4. The Fog Horn says:

    Very funny! How you spot a sign of spagetti god so often is truly inspiring.

    How about doing that post you promised me?


    Oh go on…..be a devil ;)

  5. Avery says:

    YAY but NAY. This child safety lock has been recalled so sadly, no more child protecting FSM child lock :(

    • Brennana says:

      What?! Oh could this happen! Odvousily an individual to never have read this post must be directly responsible.

    • Olio says:

      Best to have some form of safety barrier on cabinets. We know of a toddler whom got into an unprotected cabinet & drank cleaning solution. Please use child safety locks, even if they do not resemble the almighty FSM. An alternative is to not have children in your home (or no cleaning solution, but not reccomended). Probably the safety locks best bet.

  6. Hatchet-Rose says:

    Are you fucking… Like for real? That’s it. I’m going to go live on Mars now. Peace out.

    • Keith says:

      Remember to take some oxygen with you but don’t use mine.

    • Olio says:

      You’ll be back.


        Hatchet-Rose, we do not welcome your sarcastic, foul-mouthed kind here on the Red Planet. So don’t bring any oxygen. Carbon-monoxide inhalers will be provided for undocumented aliens like you.


  7. Noodle Theory says:

    Maybe this is the FSM’s way of entering the homes of the next generation and Touching them with His Noodly Appendage.


  8. Tupcmx says:

    Every night I pray for my children to care for FSM and protect them, give them their meatloaf and forgive those not faithful to the one true faith. I put our fate in their hands and it will.

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