The FSM Is Protecting Your Children

Published February 29th, 2012 by Bobby Henderson

Safety First

My wife and I returned from Target to apply our new child safety lock on our under-the-sink cabinet when i thought "Whoa Its the FSM!"

– Paul N, Kansas City, MO

85 Responses to “The FSM Is Protecting Your Children”

  1. Saint Gnocchi says:

    Dear Rasputin, I made Him scarcely three months ago and am going to make a rather huge FSM when I get back home end March. Maybe I’ll even make one for our local beach’s lifeguards’ lookout cabin. These guys are REAL heroes (the guys receive no pay for this duty) What’s more, particularly our stretch of the South Coast is highly shark-infested, yet “our boys” are totally selfless and dedicated. They deserve FSM blessings!

    • Master Bates says:

      St. Gnocchi, if you use poly-foam noodles, two large fishing floats and strong ties, said FSM could possibly be used as a life-saviour, that the guards throw to distressed swimmers or hungry sharks. Seavangelism?

      • Rasputin says:

        Brilliant idea, Master!

      • Saint Gnocchi says:

        Really great ideas M.Bates! C.Birdseye also contributed advice with my first FSM construction. Thanks, it’s much appreciated. Rasputin, internet coverage is poor to non-existent here (where I am a long way from home) but will send pic of my first FSM as soon as I can.

      • Keith says:

        I would suggest using rope for the noodles. It could save more lives that way. The rope doesn’t have to be tarred, although that would make it more nautical.

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        St. Gnocchi, Adding to Keith’s suggestion, some foam poly-tube has a hole up the centre and strong rope should be fitted through it.
        I’m beginning to suspect that your ‘husband’ is also an artistic construction in your bedroom. Which one do you look at first in the morning?

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          St. Gnocchi, on lifting fork-fulls of Chinese noodles from my dinner, I couldn’t help but notice they looked exactly like Hasidic side-locks. Is this a coincidence?

  2. Saint Gnocchi says:

    Dear “I HATE” AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I have discerned your intention. You hop from section to section on our site, picking up even on old posts and commenting on each with a short, scornful, insulting and abusive remark. When one of us responds, you AVOID a discussion because, firstly, you are intellectually totally incapable of sustaining a reasoned argument, and secondly, your focus is SOLELY to insult. Ad infinitum. Hopping from post to post, you jab with insults, and then flee discussion, hoping to exasperate us. Torture by water. Drop by drop, and you do not intend to stop.

    You are most likely a person who has engaged with us before, and, nursing an old grudge, you have come back with revengeful intent. So,” I HATE”, yup, you don’t want discussion. You want to hate. Sorry, we don’t do hate in this church.

    • Rasputin says:

      Yes St. G, we don’t do hate in this church. Well said.

    • I HATE THE FSM says:

      I just hate blasphemy. I don’t hate other religions that don’t agree with my own.

      • SillyKiwiMan says:

        So you DON’T hate the FSM?

        Good grief, you seem to be confused about your own name! What hope is there for you when you’re so utterly stupid, and dishonest with yourself.

      • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

        Isn’t that like saying you don’t hate other political parties, just dissent from YOUR views?

    • Alphy says:

      Dear Saint Gnocchi,

      Unfortunately, there will always be those who spend their entire lives fully devoted to stirring the embers of hatred. It’s good you call them on it. I have enjoyed your insightful comments and posts as well as those of many other regular contributors. I have not been able to visit our Church much lately. But I am blessed to know that the Marinara of our beloved FSM is still upon us.

      Best wishes to you all. Sorry, I haven’t stopped in for such a long time.

      • Master Bates says:

        Alphy, I have no doubt that you continue to lovingly baste the antidote to hate on those around you. May Pesto be upon you, and may The Sauce be with you! Ramen!

  3. Rasputin says:

    Dear FSM, please don’t blaspheme the FSM by being rude to Him. He’s not jealous, you are WELCOME to worship other non-existent deities. All the FSM asks is:
    1) Don’t use your belief in a deity to oppress other people, and –
    2) Don’t allow religion to obstruct science.
    Do that and we’re cool. Live long and pasta.

  4. Extra Garlic says:

    From the prospective of a newer member of the Pastafarian faithful, having “Hate” posting his/her/it’s gibberish has been an enlightening experience. While jumping around through the many posts on the site can be a little tedious at the same time it has given me an opportunity to see the millions, if not thousands, of incredible posts that are available and that I probably would not have had time to go back to otherwise. I am glad that “Hate” has had all this time in mom’s basement to go through all of it and remind us of these incredible posts from the past and how they still relate to today.
    “Hate”‘s posts have also revealed something else to me that has really strengthened my belief that I have come to the right place. The responses from all you Pastafarian sisters and brothers have been brilliant. The fact that you can all quote from many sources and the deep knowledge you have expressed have repeatedly shown the one book people just how much of the world they really have no clue of. The beer recipes were pretty good as well. Becoming a Pastafarian is a journey, not just through the pub, that takes many years and a lot of introspection. Beer,pasta and sex are a big part of it but accepting responsibility for our world instead of believing gob and his boy, the 12 dwarves,satin, et al are responsible for all that is good and bad.
    Keep posting your hatemail “Hate”. You are just proving all we are saying. I look forward to them. It is kind of like seeing new episodes of “dumb,and dumber” starring none other than yourself.

    May the Pasta be upon all our plates.


    • Captain Birdseye says:

      I’ll have extra garlic with that! Many Pastafarians have read the Bible, Koran etc. and seen a bit more of the World than Mother’s basement.
      In passing, how’s your daughter? Made some new friends? Give her a big hug from us.

      • Extra Garlic says:

        My daughter is just fine. She has a new, fabulous, group of friends and they all support each other. I will pass along the hugs, as well as pasta and beer, since she has “come of age” as it were. I have been preaching the pasta to her, but so far I have just gotten odd looks and a few “oh boy”s. The new pirate uniform did get a good response. I don’t think she has ever laughed that hard before. It was priceless.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Extra Garlic, remember to smile and wink after the Aaarrr’s. Teenage daughters can be useful, if she’s prepared to be seen in public with you. It’s like taking a dog for a walk: one can immediately talk to single women also walking a dog.

  5. Rasputin says:

    Dear Extra Garlic, I agree wholeheartedly.

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