A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM

Published July 6th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

The ship tossed around the open sea, as the pirate crew spun franticly.
“OH LORD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO UPSET THEE!?” They cried in utter misery.  But alas it was to late, the followers had met their fate.

Although all stressed, they would confess that they knew this mess, was their own fault.  If they wished to be caressed, by his noodlieness, then why did they do less than expected?


They always dressed in pirate attire and blessed their meatballs before they chewed.
But the pirate’s mistakes were in their fates as soon as they entered the temple.
In the town of Noodliopia, the holiest utopia, where only Pastafarians roamed, was a lovely old man, his hair neatly combed, who was the meatball messiah.

In all of their greed the pirates agreed, that Noodliopia had much potential.
They schemed and gleamed as they cleaned their swords, ready to raid the temple.
Although in a rush, they came in a hush, not wanting to wake Captain Jones Eliah (the meatball messiah).


Soon they had reached, the place they would breach and started to enter the temple.
But then out of nowhere, they heard a loud screech as if there was water boiling over.
They looked up to the sky as hot water rained down and the town was covered with meatballs.

The people ran out and Eliah did shout “Alas you ass, you have woken the lord!”
The Flying Spaghetti monster came down in a whirl and banished all of the pirates.
He sent them out far on a horrible quest to find the biggest octopus (It was never found).

Then Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah pleaded to thee “You have touched me with your noodly appendage, let you do so to our dwelling.  We need some protection and thou art our leader, so please save us now.”

The Lord was wise and did rise to muster his strength, and with all his great power, he lifted the tower, that was engraved with scriptures.


He lifted the temple and the homes of the followers and moved them to a safe place.
Now Captain Eliah, the meatball messiah, and all of his most loyal companions, live somewhere safe, to carry the faith, of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Rewritten (originally written thousands of years ago) by Sammy, (13 years old from California)

132 Responses to “A (Recovered, Historically Accurate) Tale of the FSM”

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  1. Pk93AD says:

    Everybody knows im The best champion for kill all jesus, Hem cant stop me wif his illusinist chriss angel power, i fuk him with sword chris angel die for times befor i say sorry, why i not say earlier because he is bad man

    • Rev. Wulff says:

      Um, have you had the dosage on your meds checked lately? I think you’re due.

    • Ferenst Anrtplogist says:

      Pk93AD, gud gramer and speling you have acheeved. Rev Wulfff have no reason to be kritical. Specile Scicentis and i monitor posts on this sight. Only those that meat our hi standerds of lituracy are allowed to bee posted. You obveeusly have chriss angel power, your not just sum son of a bich. So get out there and kill all jesus, mohamed, and budda. Do it now, don’t weight until tomarrow.

      With luving thoghts,
      Feerenst Anrtplogist

      • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

        omi hed hertz just reeding watt u rote. Purr haps the Rev is rite – medz have bin ignored oar abused.

  2. Pheasant Lord says:

    wake up in the morning a better member of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s holy religion

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