I spent a while thinking (hate-mail)

Published June 14th, 2011 by Bobby Henderson

I spent a while thinking of a good reply to this, without sounding like some sort of inbred hick or perhaps maybe to get your attention. However, I realize that there pretty much is no way for that to happen, if you put this in your hate-mail section, I’ll probably be mocked just as much as the next guy, who put the stupid comment about how you could never buy a pirate ship. I’m OK with that, I just wish people will actually think about what I have to say rather then ignorantly mocking what I believe personally. Whatever may happen, I don’t really mind, except that I cannot bring myself to be silent on this issue.

I am a Christian, whatever you may think about me, or absurd assumptions you may have about what I look like, think like, or speak like, realize this, I think all beliefs should be treated with equality. Atheism, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Agonist, Voodoo, whatever, I don’t care, if you believe that you are correct, then you have every right in the world to believe that with all your heart, and nobody should force you to believe what they believe. Now I also believe in open criticism of any of these religions, meaning your Pastafarian view that openly mocks religion. However, it is also my right to criticize the criticism, meaning though while I believe it is your right to mock, harass, and generally make religious persons miserable, I don’t believe it is morally right.

Atheism is a belief just as much as Christianity. Say whatever you want about facts and how religion is stupid and all those who practice it are all idiots, but it still comes down to the fundamental truth that you must believe this to be more true over the other option. I am again, completely fine with that, and that is why I love America so much, because we CAN believe differently then one another, and still live peacefully (to a degree) together. However, mocking is not the right way to go about arguing your belief.
By the way, here is the definition of mocking:

1. Tease or laugh at in a scornful or contemptuous manner.

2. Make (something) seem laughably unreal or impossible.

To laugh at someone else’s belief that they dedicate their lives to is not funny or humorous, but I believe is rather childish and immature. This is the main reason why I would much rather sit down calmly with an atheist and have a rational discussion about each other’s beliefs, instead of smacking them in the face with a bible, and shouting how they are going to hell for not believing the undeniable truth that is the bible, or worse, calling their belief idiotic and getting my group of friends together and laughing and pointing in his face.

Of course there are people that do this, hence, you, and there will always be people like you. My job is try to convince you to be rational and discuss each others view points.

I could never put myself in your mindset and read this the same way through your eyes. To you, I just look like another idiot who took this seriously and decided to write a concerned letter and waste his time trying to teach you to be respectful, but the truth is, writing this helps me put my thoughts in order anyways.

If you do have one ounce of thought for my beliefs, at least view this letter with respect, and try to think about what I am thinking when I read this:


What I am thinking is that the joke has gone to far. Of course this letter asks for intelligent discussion, and that seems to have never existed in your website, so before I go, let my put it in your language.

Fuck you, and lay off religion asshole.


2,179 Responses to “I spent a while thinking (hate-mail)”

  1. Rasputin says:

    It doesn’t matter, any day now Kim Jong Un will launch missiles against Guam. The extermination event which follows will put all other genocide in perspective. If ever there was a guy who needs to open a beer, eat some pasta and get laid, it’s Kim Jong Un. Poor little fat f*ck. Perhaps our Church should invite Kim to participate in our faith.

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Rasputin, I hope the USA has the capacity to shoot down ICBMs, rather than leaving a hole where the DPRK used to be. I have a sneaky feeling that CIA hackers will be hard at work, changing the missiles’ destinations to Kim’s palaces.
      On a warmer note, a Viz contributor reckons that his Welsh mother-in-law looks just like KJU.

    • Excelsior says:

      I think you’re mistaken. Fatso is very clever and wouldn’t commit suicide by throwing nukes around. He made the nukes for 2 purposes:
      1- To blackmail the weak of heart, like Obama, for concessions.
      2- To sell to Iran and other Terrorists. Obama just gave Iran $2 billion with which it can buy plenty of nukes. This is Fatso’s surrogate war on the US! I think Iran and ISIS have already made the down payments!

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        Excelsior, if ‘Fatso’ wants to sell nukes/ICBMs, he will somehow have to ship them.
        I’m guessing the DPRK have factories to breed and concentrate plutonium, rather than being supplied with it; nothing a few conventional earthquake bombs can’t fix.
        I think Fatso overestimates his abilities, underestimates his depravity, and, is thus stupid.

        • Excelsior says:

          Capt’ B.,
          Fatso is not stupid, he personally has control over 22 million people,He also has absolute control of the whole Oligarchy, even including what they should think! Can you?
          One of his tricks is to have the oligarchy live a life of extreme luxury and sex. He has to import billions of dollars of luxuries to keep them happy. This takes lots of money which is very difficult due to the economic sanctions. So he sells nukes and missiles on the black market! He gets his money and the terrorists get their bombs!

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Excelsior, that sounds like most governments. How does DPRK deliver the goods?

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Excelsior, I thought that purpose-bred, self-delivering slaves, sold to Russia, were the biggest export of DPRK. Perhaps, nukes get smuggled out in pieces in back-packs. Surprisingly, plutonium only needs wrapping in aluminium foil to be made safe.
          Just curious: do you feel tempted to correct my spelling for, say: indium, gallium, californium, radium, americium, and… wait for it… ‘aluminium’?

  2. 99Apprentice Frederic says:

    Including the haircut wow

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      What’s with this 99AF? Where I’m from, that means an AF that has a chocolate rod stuck into it (like the ice cream). I’m all for race relations.
      I think the haircut was an essential part of the likeness. Maybe, you have never been to Wales? As wise men say: ‘Always look at their mother’. Poor bastard.

  3. patroller says:

    Just to be clear.fuck off. Disabled toilet.

  4. Excelsior says:

    The BLM club is really picking up steam. They want to smash everything that has anything to do with slavery. They want to tear down the Jefferson Memorial because Thomas Jefferson was a slave owner. They will then have to tear up the Constitution because it was drafted by Jefferson. Ultimately they will have to tear up the Declaration of Independence because 41 of the 56 signers (including George Washington) were slave owners. Then America will still be a colony of Great Britain! England lost Europe, but will recover America! God save the King!
    According to the Bible, even God is a proponent of slavery! If the BLM doesn’t renounce God then they are fakes!
    Only the FSM really revokes slavery–Ramen!

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Much of America was private property: the Duke of Westminster still wants Virginia back.
      Repent! Return to The FSM: ‘Make America Grate Again’

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        I think it’s a mistake to destroy any statues or art – reminds me of the Taliban. However, I think that certain statues, from both sides, should be moved to a museum.
        A problem with slavery is that the Bible endorses it. If one considers the position of serfs and thralls, it was once very common to enslave one’s own people, including in Africa.
        Colonialism (displacing one culture with another, deemed ‘superior’) is alive and well – it has simply changed form.

        • Excelsior says:

          Capt’ B.,
          I like to give credit wherever it’s due, so I’ll say that Christian missionaries did some good too. The colonialists forced the heathens of the western hemisphere to convert to Christianity and revoke their original God Huitzilopochli who commanded them to worship him by collecting hundreds of human sacrifices in a great offering where they tear out the hearts of the victims alive! The screams could be heard miles away! Remember that the Inquisition had petered out and they didn’t burn heretics at the stake anymore.
          Moreover, be glad that the Christians colonized the new world. If Islam had colonized the new world, then the whole western hemisphere would be a hell-hole like the Middle East is today!

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Excelsior, there are many examples of diverse cultures, including Christians, voluntarily dying for their god. The Conquistadores who ‘saved’ the Astecs then killed more through disease, as missionaries continue to do in diverse remote tribes. I can think of no example where missionaries did/do not cause more problems than good.
          Most people think that the Puritan emigrants were escaping European persecution, however, it was quite the opposite: they wished to establish a new place where they could not be stopped from their persecuting others.
          It’s tempting, but, I don’t think it’s possible to extrapolate backwards. Missionaries are nothing without technology. I just can’t imagine an ocean-going Mahdi, or, them not killing each other at sea through doctrinal infighting. Perhaps, some did get through and were civilised by the First Nation peoples.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          …. insert ‘religious’ in front of ‘missionaries’. Other missions, such as medicine or trade, are usually laudable, unless they are disguised attempts to colonise.

    • Rasputin says:

      Much of American currency carries an image of former slave owners. If BLM fans want to tear paper money into pieces, they’re welcome to give it to me. Don’t make the pieces too small or I’ll have difficulty taping it together again.

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        Rasputin, maybe a new $1,000 note could be issued with some famous slave’s picture on it. They’re the ones you’ll want the KKK to tear up.

  5. Kekka says:

    Guys, just to let you know that my little pasta man is doing great. Glory be to the FSM.

    You all won’t believe this but I encountered the toilet troll on another forum I post on. Has it left the FSM ye?

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Kekka, glad to hear that your kid is doing well. Any photos in pirate garb yet? What about a pet parrot for him to grow up with? Don’t waste electrons on what’s-his-name.

    • Keith says:

      Kekka, when training children it is important that they have something to aim for. When toilet training them it is important that they have something to aim at. I think you have both.

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        You forgot something to aim WITH

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        My wife used Cheerios as an aimpoint for our boy..

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          AF, well, that’ll make his Cheerios taste nicer.
          You may wish to inform Cheerios about the alternative use of their product. You might get sent a huge free box.

        • Apprentice Frederic says:


        • Mr. Hankey says:

          Most families wouldn’t tolerate that at the breakfast table…. ;)

        • Apprentice Frederic says:

          Kekka surely knows we are all kidding and advice on raising small son offered .more from affection than wisdom, LOL..

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          C’mon, AF, of course Kekka takes us seriously.

        • Apprentice Frederic says:

          Sorry Cap’n B – I misspoke – we ARE serious. but the mode of expression lighthearted – I stand by my affection and respect for Kekka and all communicants.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          AF, I was referring to the teasing suggestion of a small boy’s novel use of his breakfast cereal not being taken seriously… ;-)

  6. Kekka says:

    Captain, I’ll look at getting a parrot!

    I’ll post back in a few days.

    Good advice, ignore the toilet troll.

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Kekka, there are pretty parrots and then there are smart parrots. Do some research. Google ‘Einstein’ the parrot. My sister had an African Grey, regarded as one of the best talkers, which delighted in tormenting her cat.

      • Rasputin says:

        My African Grey is whistling to me as I write this. Her favourite tune is, “Pop goes the weasle”.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Oh dear! Nursery rhymes from a pirate’s parrot….?
          Once, when walking in the jungle, I kept hearing a mobile phone ringing followed by ‘Hello’. Turned out to be a liar bird.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          … or is that lyre bird?

  7. The Lord Of Da Rings says:

    ya know dat the all the crud dats going on,the fsm is watching you and is disappointed…( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

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