Official church stance of homosexual marriage

Published January 19th, 2011 by Katie

Fellow Pastafarians,

I am writing about the official church stance of homosexual marriage (i.e. none). I am concerned that this stance is in direct contradiction with the will of the FSM. You see, I received a vision from the FSM this evening while (as is often the case) I was cooking a grilled cheese sandwich.

During his appearance he told me that homosexuals are gay because He has touched them with his noodley appendage. This is the reason that “experts” have had so much difficulty pinpointing what makes someone gay. And since gays and lesbians have been chosen by Him, to deny them the right to get married is an abomination in His eyes (meatballs). Of course many have argued that no major religion has ever accepted homosexuality. It should obvious to any FSM follower that the real reason homosexuals are shunned from mainstream religion is because of blatant prejudice towards those who have been touched by Him. A bigotry that I know many of my fellow Pastafarians have experienced first hand.

I am especially concerned because of the state of gay rights movement today. Too often gay activists argue that should be given the right to marry because of court precedent that says marriage is their “right as a human being” or essential to the “dignity ” of a relationship. Then they rely on the 14th amendment to say that they deserve “equal protection under the laws” and that under constitution gay people are “equal to” straight people.

Well I think to time to put these arguments to rest. Gay Pastafarians should sue because not allowing gay marriage is a violation of their first amendment rights since it is commanded by the FSM as relayed to me in my vision. Of course He works in mysterious ways and we may never why He commands that gays get married. But there is no question that He does.

Now if I know my fellow Pastafarians, you want proof. Attached is a photo of the grilled sandwich I was cooking when He appeared to me. I think it speaks for itself. I hope that it is satisfactory proof to convince everyone that we should amend the CotFSM’s stance on gay marriage to supporting it. Only then can gay Pastafarians demand true religious freedom and marry as the FSM intended.

May you all be touched by his noodley appendage,


375 Responses to “Official church stance of homosexual marriage”

  1. David Millar says:

    The image of Blessed FSM on a grilled cheese sandwich! That is at least as convincing as any of John Paul II’s “miracles”.

  2. libhomo says:

    I don’t remember being touched by a noodly appendage. I guess the FSM must have done it when I was too young to remember.

    • Victor "zebobbybird" Mendoza says:


    • Mia says:

      He can do it while you’re sleeping or when you’re a baby so you don’t realise it. Show some faith!

      • flounder51 says:


  3. Apprentice Frederic says:

    I have come to feel that a good solution to the marriage problem would be for the state to recognize and regulate NOTHING BUT civil unions between any two people who are qualified to enter into a contract. That takes care of fundamentalist Mormons and 12-year-old girls, redneck crackers and their sheep, Ted Haggard and – er – whoever, etc., etc., etc. That might even – partially, anyway – address the polygamy issue, by at least giving multiple wives equal protection. If the couple in question wishes to “sanctify” their marriage into Holy Matrimony, they can take it up with the Pope if they’re Catholic, Pat Robertson if they’re Evangelicals, Heber J. Sorenson if they’re Mormons, or Bobby Henderson if they’re Pastafarians. It has always been a source of amusement to me that the noisiest anti-gay-marriage types usually inveigh against the “choice of a sinful life style”, thereby betraying how terribly conflicted they are internally. R’Amen.

    • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      There are homosexual deer, bison, monkeys, dogs and other species. Did they “choose a sinful life style”? That would be opening up to the ideas that certain animals have made a cognitive choice, and that they can sin. I’ll have to ask a fundie sometime about this. Perhaps bison were also made in god’s image, and have a shot at paradise if they don’t go gay!

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        tFtPtM: We likely agree, hard to believe! Even without arguing about whether “cognitive choice” implies sin if it’s the wrong/bad choice, I wonder if God didn’t have a hand in the makeup of homosexual humans as well as homosexual bison. It might be fun for you to ask your fundie acquaintances about that. You might also ask them if they’d like to pick up a homosexual Cape Buffalo in a bar and beat the hell out of him for some combination of the glory of God and the fun of it, LOFLMAO.

        • Dr. Astronomer says:

          Reminds me of the T-shirt I’ve seen that reads ‘Club a gay baby seal for Christ’. The fundies I’ve seen on the interwebs are in complete denial that animals can have any homosexual tenancies.

  4. Brian Fritzen says:

    “…the real reason homosexuals are shunned from mainstream religion…”

    Some mainstream religions. Buddhists, Daoists, IPUists, and Pagans tend to go with the, “Live and let live” ideal. And while Pagans and IPUists may not be “mainstream” Buddhists and Daoists certainly are.

    Otherwise, this is a fantastic statement. And, as any other major religion, you have provided indisputable proof of the existence of the FSM, and therefore your assertions may not, nay, MUST not be denied.

    • Nikki says:

      The Unitarian Universalist Association is decidedly in favor of the right for each person to marry the partner of his or her choice.



      • Keith says:

        Good for them, say I. It doesn’t encourage any religious feelings in me but it’s nice to know they are out there.

        • Mia says:

          They’re not very religious in the usual sense anyway. They don’t have a creed that you have to believe in. A lot of them are atheist or agnostic. (Then again, that’s true of Christians too. :) )

    • Mia says:

      Reform Judaism, the United Church of Christ, and Unitarian Universalism are mainstream Western religions that fully recognise gay marriages. Some Episcopal dioceses (the Episcopal Church has also ordained an openly non-celibate gay bishop) and Quaker meetinghouses also perform gay marriages. Neopagans vary but a lot of neopagan denominations also recognise gay marriages.

      I don’t know of any mainstream non-Western religions that actually marry gay couples, although they may be tolerant of them. Brian – when you refer to “Buddhism” and “Daoism,” which variants do you mean? Eastern religions are no more monolithic than Western ones are.

      In ancient times, same-sex unions have been recognised in various ways, with varying degrees of official sanction. See, for example, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_same-sex_unions.

  5. tekHedd says:

    Clearly a fake!

    If you look closely, you can tell that this grilled sandwich (that clearly is a miraculous sign of the FSM’s presence and power) was cooked on a glass-top electric range. You can see how the gas cooktop in the background was cleverly photoshopped in to make it look like it was cooked over gas. I am horrified at this cheap attempt to deceive us!

    • Katie says:

      I promise you the photo is not photoshopped.

      • Keith says:

        In that case Katie, your word is good enough for me. Even if it were fake, The Almighty Pasta would have had His/Her own reasons for such a trick: just as the Catholics say there is a reason for the 200 lefty pinky bones of Saint Blather or the 100 foreskins of Jesus that are scattered around the world.

        • Brian Fritzen says:

          Lulz…. But at least the Catholics finally accept the Big Bang and Evolution! No crap, really! And all it took was promoting a Nazi Youth to the papacy.

      • tekHedd says:

        A good point… Using pundit logic: I can not prove that it was *not* photoshopped by the FSM himself, therefore it must have been, therefore it is a miracle.

      • Puma says:

        I do believe! I have faith that his great starchiness moved this sandwich into being with his noodly appendage. I haven’t had faith in so long, thank you for bringing the FSM into my life and proving to me his existence.

    • Victor "zebobbybird" Mendoza says:

      Clearly, His noodlyness altered the image to his pleasing using photoshoop cs4 when it was uploaded to the Venganza server. Did you not learn anything in pirate school?

    • tekHedd says:

      I like how people are giving this comment a thumbs down after seeing “its a fake”, without reading on to see the actual joke.

      Maybe Bobby is right: the community is getting to knee-jerk hateful.

    • Just Ducky says:

      One of the hazardous by-products of technology (Photoshop) is that it makes more people skeptical of the documentations and absolute proofs of miracles performed by the FSM. So sad that people are so cynical. :-(

      • Mia says:

        Yes…people should show more faith.

  6. Cardinal Fang says:

    It think Ubi Dubium hits it on the head when remining us about the bit in the IRRYD’s that says “man=person. Woman=person. Samey-samey”.

    I interpret that that everyone is equal – male, female, gay or straight. To say that one group is more touched than another seems to go against this (except obviously in the case of midgets and pirates, who we know are more touched that anyone else). It would seem therefore to apply equally to gay and heterosexual marriage. Neither should in higher regard than the other if everyone is the same. If we accept that the FSM created love, then any celebration of that love should be equally blessed. As long as grog is involved.

    So to my mind Pastafarians should support gay marriage because it is part of our religious beliefs that everyone is the same irrelevant of gender, race, sexual orientation etc, and should be treated the same.

    And BTW, I feel obligated to remind peeps about another of the I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts:

    “7. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You’re Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can’t You Take A Hint?”


    • Danimal says:

      Well said Cardinal. Odds are the FSM didn’t actually directly communicate with Bobby. Still if anyone did have a shot, it probably would be Bobby. We must remember the FSM is a drunk and therefore prone to drunk dialing any and all believers so I wouldn’t rule it out completely.


  7. tony allen says:

    Well said all. It’s already been pointed out that His eyes are on stalks above His noodley body. Those balls must be another part of His anatomy.

  8. tony allen says:

    Know this for sure: He loves us and wants us to be happy!

Leave a Reply