Official church stance of homosexual marriage

Published January 19th, 2011 by Katie

Fellow Pastafarians,

I am writing about the official church stance of homosexual marriage (i.e. none). I am concerned that this stance is in direct contradiction with the will of the FSM. You see, I received a vision from the FSM this evening while (as is often the case) I was cooking a grilled cheese sandwich.

During his appearance he told me that homosexuals are gay because He has touched them with his noodley appendage. This is the reason that “experts” have had so much difficulty pinpointing what makes someone gay. And since gays and lesbians have been chosen by Him, to deny them the right to get married is an abomination in His eyes (meatballs). Of course many have argued that no major religion has ever accepted homosexuality. It should obvious to any FSM follower that the real reason homosexuals are shunned from mainstream religion is because of blatant prejudice towards those who have been touched by Him. A bigotry that I know many of my fellow Pastafarians have experienced first hand.

I am especially concerned because of the state of gay rights movement today. Too often gay activists argue that should be given the right to marry because of court precedent that says marriage is their “right as a human being” or essential to the “dignity ” of a relationship. Then they rely on the 14th amendment to say that they deserve “equal protection under the laws” and that under constitution gay people are “equal to” straight people.

Well I think to time to put these arguments to rest. Gay Pastafarians should sue because not allowing gay marriage is a violation of their first amendment rights since it is commanded by the FSM as relayed to me in my vision. Of course He works in mysterious ways and we may never why He commands that gays get married. But there is no question that He does.

Now if I know my fellow Pastafarians, you want proof. Attached is a photo of the grilled sandwich I was cooking when He appeared to me. I think it speaks for itself. I hope that it is satisfactory proof to convince everyone that we should amend the CotFSM’s stance on gay marriage to supporting it. Only then can gay Pastafarians demand true religious freedom and marry as the FSM intended.

May you all be touched by his noodley appendage,


375 Responses to “Official church stance of homosexual marriage”

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  1. Captain Birdseye says:

    Phobias are a choice; to avoid the true cause of feelings. Blame the spiders or dirt; it’s the subject of Taboo; relocating culturally-unacceptable feelings onto soft targets; projection onto one’s cosmos.
    Some of my gay friends prefer to called ‘queer’.
    And what of the myriad shades of biological sex; and our bro-sister hermaphrodite friends?
    I was happy with the term ‘sexism’ to include any or all, though ‘gender’ seems to be the key idea in discrimination.
    I’m not qualified to comment but, ‘gayism’ is easier on the tongue.

    • Keith says:

      I don’t agree that all phobias are a choice. The problem is that the term “phobia” seems to have been slapped onto dislikes and hatreds as well as genuine fears. You can choose to like or dislike something but genuine fear is not easy to overcome or understand. I have had a fear of centipedes ever since I was a boy. I have never been able to find the cause, despite efforts to do so. I don’t choose to fear them: I just do. I think that genuine fear is a survival instinct and that fear of spiders etc. is the brain’s misinterpretation of how that instinct is to be applied.

      • Patrixia says:

        I am terrified of grasshoppers, with no explanation, since I love spiders (I own several tarantulas) as well as king snakes. I cannot even look at a photo of a grasshopper without my heart rate spiking.

        Where the “fear” part comes in with homophobia is likely projection…afraid of suppressed feelings so held down that it bubbles up as hatred. It’s a way of bullying people who are different. Some people just never grow out of schoolyard taunting. All the truly heterosexual guys I have ever known don’t care one wit about others gayness. The ones who seem to care soooo much about homosexuality that they will stand on street corners with signs or spend their days figuring out how to pass laws against it should get some psychotherapy. Me thinks they protesteth a little too much…

        BTW, marriage is a LEGAL issue, not religious. Even when married in a church, you are not LEGALLY married until you sign and notarize a license, issued by the state. You go to COURT to get a divorce and hire ATTORNEYS, not ministers or priests. Laws applied unequally will be struck down eventually. Great strides.

    • SillyKiwiMan says:

      Someone I work with described another colleague as homophobic.

      I said “it’s not fear, he’s just an arsehole”.

      Phobias aren’t a choice, being an arsehole is. I like the term “gaycism”. I think it hits the mark nicely.

      There are people (gaycists) who are terrified of their own sexuality, I knew a bloke who came out after years of referring to everything bad as “gay”. Personally, when someone says something gaycist, I say “try it, you’ll LOVE it” and give them a wink. This has actually made a few people think before speaking, and often defuses a situation that would otherwise end in me having a go at them.

      • Keith says:

        I find it interesting that many people who are gaycist seem obsessed with the gays’ sex lives and the perceived consequences of such actions. Apart from personal repugnance of acts that are not universally indulged in by gays, or arguments based on religious dogma, they have very little or no reason to condemn the gay community.

        • SillyKiwiMan says:

          Didn’t you know that you’re all paedophiles, have AIDS, fuck enthusiastically in public toilets/parks, love anal, and most importantly, no matter how fat, sweaty and generally repulsive a man is (the gaycist in question), you’re just waiting for an opportunity to get up his arse?

          As one of my friends once said: “their fantasy, my nightmare”.

          Those who protest most loudly… (I actually have a great deal of sympathy for those in denial. It must be awful having to put on a public face to hide something you shouldn’t be ashamed of in the first place, but don’t be an arsehole about your personal hangups)


        • Keith says:

          And here I was thinking that my personal life was a closely guarded secret!

  2. Evil-trev says:

    I am interested in everybody’s sex life and would like to bring attention to the fact that if we allow marrige between two people who are not of different genders then we will eventualy be forced to accept other attrocities like inter-racial marrige and even inter-species marrige. No. No. and again no. Marriage is the union of two people of different gender, same speices and race and nationality and religion and hair colour with the full approval of both Fathers (or elder male relative) and presiding religous bigot.

    • TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

      You forgot caste and political persuasion.

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  6. Kim Jong Un says:

    I hate faggots. I am not homophobic for I do not fear them.

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Anyone who has the energy to invest in an irrational hate of anything, has a phobia. Normal people have better things to do.

  7. Kim Jong Un says:

    I hate faggots

  8. Captain Birdseye says:

    I hate faggots too

    • Captain Birdseye says:

      Someone has impersonated me with a libellous comment. If there was a moderator, they would be able to see the person’s email address and ban them.

      • Jo Switten says:

        Can’t that be solved with a captcha? I also think this site needs a few moderators.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          There are sweat-shops using child labour that solve ten captchas for a cent; they only defeat mass bot-spammers. I must admit that I once posted under the name Fred Phelps.

    • theFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      Why would anyone hate bundles of firewood?

      • Apprentice Frederic says:

        There once was a Vicar from Kings
        Whose mind was on heavenly things,
        But his heart was on fire
        For a boy in the choir (wood for the fire???)
        Whose ass was like jelly on springs

        ….sorry, couldn’t help it….

        • Keith says:

          Ha ha!

          There once was a sailor named Bates
          Who danced the Fandango on skates.
          He slipped on his cutlass
          Which rendered him nutless
          And practically useless on dates.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Keith, may I guess that said sailor was Master Bates?

        • Keith says:

          Yes, the well known friend of Seaman Staines.

      • SillyKiwiMan says:

        TFtPtM, you beat me to it!

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        I was tempted to agree with myself that I hate faggots. They were served up at school dinner; something smelled and tasted very wrong and I remain unable to eat them. I since learned they are made from what’s in an abattoir’s skip.

        • Keith says:

          Did you go to the same school as Nigel Molesworth?

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Keith, I don’t think so, but, faggots are widely dished up, probably at most British schools, though, I can’t see why anyone would eat them. Lungs, brains and disinfectant (thymol), seems to be their recipe. They would make a dog retch.

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