Official church stance of homosexual marriage

Published January 19th, 2011 by Katie

Fellow Pastafarians,

I am writing about the official church stance of homosexual marriage (i.e. none). I am concerned that this stance is in direct contradiction with the will of the FSM. You see, I received a vision from the FSM this evening while (as is often the case) I was cooking a grilled cheese sandwich.

During his appearance he told me that homosexuals are gay because He has touched them with his noodley appendage. This is the reason that “experts” have had so much difficulty pinpointing what makes someone gay. And since gays and lesbians have been chosen by Him, to deny them the right to get married is an abomination in His eyes (meatballs). Of course many have argued that no major religion has ever accepted homosexuality. It should obvious to any FSM follower that the real reason homosexuals are shunned from mainstream religion is because of blatant prejudice towards those who have been touched by Him. A bigotry that I know many of my fellow Pastafarians have experienced first hand.

I am especially concerned because of the state of gay rights movement today. Too often gay activists argue that should be given the right to marry because of court precedent that says marriage is their “right as a human being” or essential to the “dignity ” of a relationship. Then they rely on the 14th amendment to say that they deserve “equal protection under the laws” and that under constitution gay people are “equal to” straight people.

Well I think to time to put these arguments to rest. Gay Pastafarians should sue because not allowing gay marriage is a violation of their first amendment rights since it is commanded by the FSM as relayed to me in my vision. Of course He works in mysterious ways and we may never why He commands that gays get married. But there is no question that He does.

Now if I know my fellow Pastafarians, you want proof. Attached is a photo of the grilled sandwich I was cooking when He appeared to me. I think it speaks for itself. I hope that it is satisfactory proof to convince everyone that we should amend the CotFSM’s stance on gay marriage to supporting it. Only then can gay Pastafarians demand true religious freedom and marry as the FSM intended.

May you all be touched by his noodley appendage,


375 Responses to “Official church stance of homosexual marriage”

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  1. Patrixia says:

    Marriage is a legal matter, not a religious one. One goes to a courthouse, gets a marriage license and becomes “legally married.” When getting a divorce, you go again to the courts. Religion is merely an option. You can only be legally married when you sign that paper. The state should treat people equally in the eyes of the law or they become second-class citizens with second-class rights. No way of getting around it, blather all you want about religion, it is a court issued sanction.
    It is a red-herring argument to claim that bigamy, marrying-your-dog/tree/bicycle/sister will become a slippery slope. Restrict marriage to two consenting adults…like it or not, it is merely a contract between two humans.
    Hell, corporations can “marry” – it is called “merging” and they can buy and sell each other like slaves, dissolve into the ether (taking their ill-gotten gains with them) and be in multiple places at the same time. You want some restrictions on run-away slippery slopes…start there.
    People gotta stop the coveting others’ marriage contracts, where they put their body parts and mind your own pasta bowls.

    • Thomas says:

      that is a very simple clear way of stating the argument. I like it.

    • Ewan Harding says:


      • Keith says:

        They are not specifically noted but you could try reading between the lines.

    • Alex M says:

      In the commonwealth of VA, I had to be married by the court (file papers), then it had to be approved through a religious sanction of the court’s ‘approved’ list. Good luck with changing that state…

    • finder of foolishness says:

      I agree in principle with this argument and I am a devout Christian. Here is the problem I see. The class of people for homosexual marriage does not seem to want to stop there. They are trying to push to have the wording of the Christian Bible changed and there are efforts by the gay and lesbian segment of society which are trying to say the Bible is outdated and was created for a different time. This indicates to me they are not looking for equality from a legal sense. I would have no problem with that. The problem is they are wanting us to see them as pure and sinless in a spiritual sense as it relates to Christianity. If they would leave Christianity alone I believe they would stand a better chance of being accepted from a legal perspective. I don’t care if they get legal benefits. I don’t care if they have to go through all the legal problems we heterosexual couples go through. I do care they want me to tell them that what they are doing is not a sin. It is clearly written in the Bible multiple times. If they are only wanting legal acceptance that is fine. But at the end of they day, if they want to also call them Christians they must accept that the Christian faith views them as sinners.

      I will say also, from a Christian viewpoint. The Bible teaches that ALL who accept Christ as their Savior are given eternal life and can share in the kingdom of Heaven. They are sinners, we are all sinners. They are just putting one of their sins in front of us and telling us to accept their sin. I accept them with their sin. I do not accept their sin for what it is. I can do that as a Christian and still be a good follower of Christianity. It is not my place to judge them. I welcome them as my brothers and sisters. They just need to stop denying their commission of sin, accept it and the rest of the problems will go away on earth and the rest will be left to their judgement in Heaven.

  2. darren says:

    thank meatballs this religion excepts.fellow pastafarans us gays or on your side

  3. TheFewTheProudTheMarinara says:

    To those who are against gays because of religious views:
    There are homosexual bison, deer, rats, monkeys, dogs…and don’t get me started on hyenas! So either god made gay animals – who supposedly don’t have freedom of choice and therefor can’t sin – or there is no god. Take your choice; either way your argument got shot in the ass.

    • Matt says:

      Doe(n’t) ask doe(n’t) tell.

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      Dear FewTheProudTheMarinara,

      My dog is enamored with my Brother-In-Law’s mutt, they are both male, they only see each other about once a month since we live two states apart. When ‘Bear’ & ‘Nico’ are reunited they immediately starting playing then eventually start “playing” with each other. Nico is the only dog that brings out this behavior in Bear, which strikes me as monogamous long distance relationship. I’ve tried reading leviticus to Bear, reminding him that he is an abomination and likely to burn in hell for all eternity. I’ve tried gay conversion therapy, where his eyes are held open and he is forced to watch heterosexual christian approved dog porn. I’ve even tried exorcism, just to rule out gay demons. Still, Nico is the only dog he wants to mate with. I would hate to kick him out in the street but I cannot let the fact that I love him outweigh what the lawd commands.

      – Signed. Loving the sinner, hating the sin.

      • Keith says:

        Have you tried taking the to see Big Gay Al? I’m sure he still runs his refuge in the mountains.

        • Keith says:

          Them, sorry.

        • Rev. Wulff says:

          “Don’t be gay, Sparky. Don’t be gay.” – Stan Marsh

      • Oscar (Liberal Panspaggetist) says:

        I’m afraid the love of those dogs is all part of FSM’s great plan. I am sad that you are upset by this, but I hope you know that in my eyes the dogs were not cursed or damned or possessed but blessed by their mutual love. Please don’t abandon your dog – even under Christian faith animals were not granted free will, and so gay behaviour (or anything animals do, for that matter) cannot be a sin

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      Disclaimer: Yes, my last post is a joke… mostly. Everything up to “I’ve tried reading leviticus” is true.

      • william says:

        yeah don’t read those parts of the bible short story headache with side order if bs

  4. Holy cheeze says:

    Did write this on caffeine binge forget some words?

  5. James says:

    This FSM Church position is totally righteous and sensible. Ramen! Your experience and proof are overwhelmingly convincing, irrefutable, and should settle this issue once and for all.

    Now, could you please fry up more of these miraculous grilled sandwiches and make them available through the FSM Website Store? It looks divinely yummy!

  6. Keith says:

    Is there a translator available?

    • TiltedHorizon says:

      I think this is an example of the Infinite monkey theorem. Clearly the monkeys are still a way off before they can compete with Shakespeare but odds are good that they will complete their magnum opus before jesus returns.



      • Keith says:

        Or, as Baldrick called it, his Magnificent Octopus.

      • TiltedHorizon says:

        LOL: Another Blackadder fan.

  7. John Kerr says:

    My fellow pastafarians as a devout minister of our church I feel no view point is right or wrong on the matter A point must be made that this is dealing on a legal matter between church and state and we as pastafarians should hold no stances in confrontation with any laws or legal dealings.

    I personalty feel we should have no stance of aggression in any direction in this matter.

    Each of us are snowflakes different in a lot of way more than what is between our legs and what we do with it. We must show this in our actions. Let our true diversity be our strongest alley in spreading the word of his noodly appendages to touch the whole world with his love.

    I for one will bond any life forms in a personal manor in however they wish to be bound.

    We are all connected by his appendages like it or not in time others will understand and convert just have faith in evolution.

    [deGrasse Tyson]
    We are all connected;
    To each other, biologically
    To the earth, chemically
    To the rest of the universe atomically

  8. Tristan says:

    Hello. Sorry for my English, I am French. I think it would be a mistake to support gay-marriage. We have had massive anti-gay marriage catholic fundamentalist movements here. I was previously tempted by absentheism (god exists but he’s busy somewhere else). But the anti-gay movement opened my eyes : bishops (who live in a 100% male community) dressed in pink robes with fancy lace and gold embroidery screaming in a high pitched voice that what we need is “normal men”. I suddenly realised “I am not gay, I am catholic !” Then I discovered your church…
    I would so much love to go to one of those demonstrations under a spaghetti banner. Please, let’s be anti-gay marriage

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