FSM Theme Park

Published December 9th, 2010 by Bobby Henderson


Open call for submissions!

How about it? Let’s brainstorm and see if we can’t come up with some fantastic attractions and artwork.  I will be shocked if we can’t outdo the Ark Encounter.  Here are some themes to work with but don’t let this limit you:

* Pirates

* Beer Volcano

* Midgets  (I’m making that hand waving gesture because it’s a touchy subject (I think (or is that a touchy subject to mention it))

* The mystery of the Pirate Fish (specifically why has its origin never been explained?)

* The Creation Mountains

What am I missing?

396 Responses to “FSM Theme Park”

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  1. UUniversal Love says:

    There should be a “Pastafarians of the World” section of the park. Instead of just Little Italy, there should be a Chinatown, etc. as well. Godism was spread by the sword and cultural genocide; we should show how He appeals to us on a deep personal level because all cultures long for his long noodles.

    Strppiers should walk around the park like those weird guys that go around in bear costumes as entertainers.

    I would like to take this time to restate a widely accepted and well supported Pastafarian tenet: That midgets are those most loved by His Noodliness; our proof of this is they are the most frequently touched; our proof of this is that they are short. While this is clearly solid reasoning, and coincides with the general growth in human size over the past few centuries and His presumed displeasure in the dwindling pirate population, I believe the premise is flawed. While the general assumptions are most likely true, I believe He still loves all of us deeply, just in different ways. To that end, He touches all of us in many different ways (and wishes for us to do the same to each other).

    Thus, I propose a new ceremony: GIANT SPAGHETTI EATING ORGANZA!!!
    This would consist of a ridiculously huge plate (say, 50 cubits in diameter) or more feasible smaller plates (30 cubits or less) which would be covered in spaghetti and sauce. The spaghetti could be up to 300 cubits long! Everyone would circle around the plate/s and dive in (no forks), ensuing in Lady-And-The-Tramp style hilarity and goodwill! This would be essentially a culmination of tug-of-war, mudwrestling, powow, and dinner. Hold the ceremony at the foot of the beer volcano and incorporate a wet t-shirt contest. I believe it could be the most profound religious experience imaginable.

    • smartyhardyhar says:

      oouch. so much words. okay.. mmmhm – thinking to myself—– fair enough. since you said genocide here’s REPENTENCE FOR EVERYONE!!! kay.. with that G-word. Yowza.. okay really we even have task forces being deployed to end G – whatever ‘That’ is. because we just are this good.

  2. Randy says:

    I know it’s not an attraction, but you better have state-of-the-art security. Just think about how bizerk the violent, x-tian teatards are going to be. They only support freedom of religion when you are spreading the message of *their* violent fairytales.

    Oh, and just because I’m a total dickhead, I’d like to see a “draw muhommad” (or however you spell that fuckers name) booth at the park. It’s educational, encourages children to use their artistic abilities and will teach them it is not ok to kill people over cartoons.

    FSM Fundie

    • Steve says:

      I like the draw mo-man idea.
      How about ‘pin-the-myth-on-the-jeebus’ too?

    • Jessie says:

      Perhaps a shark-infested moat around the property, with a pirate ferry to take guests across? Double-duty security and attraction (also solves the “arrival by boat in a tough economy” issue).

      One quibble, though, matey: while “teatards” be a clever pun, I don’t think the rhymin’ be worth the associatin’ o’ shipmates with Down Syndrome an’ such, who seems by an’ large to be a hearty, good-natured crew, with cutthroat religious bilge rats, who is just the opposite.

      • smartyhardyhar says:

        oh my god in Dispicable Me – pardon my lousy spelling. The Banks gave birth to the fish-festering waters of sharks – we’ve people so good they can even swim with real great white sharks. Official I’ve seen two of them do it in US waters. and if these banks we have are good we just don’t even get interest on our loans. If we can do it for our PASTA cause.

        • smartyhardyhar says:

          really the movie with Steve Carrol WATCH IT NOW!! it’s calle Dispicable (sp.) Me.

  3. Identitycrisis says:

    I would suggest going with the theme park rather than a traveling missionary ship, that way we can raise money for the ship with the theme park.

    • smartyhardyhar says:

      both? In the name of Who-Ever in what waters – doing what? SAAAAY WHAAAT?? seriously. We are good enough that we even pastafarian cruise boats dropping win to the bottom of the sea – good wine – for it to be found. one day.

  4. Mr Cooper (all hail fsm) says:

    the argue with a biggoted zealot booth, is all thats missing
    oh and stripers

  5. Skelly says:

    So. Under water pirate zombies fighting sharks ride. You need to enter through a hole in the bottom of the ship, and end up in the beer volcano. Think of it like disney’s “A small world after all”, except violent and blasphemous. With guns. And swords.

    • Thomas L. Nielsen says:

      “And swords.”
      Cutlasses, my dear Skelly. Cutlasses.

      Regards & all, and rAmen,

      Thomas L. Nielsen

  6. Big Atheist says:

    If you can’t beat them piss them off by making their victory yours.

    For our Pastafarian friends this Ark they are building should really be a holy shrine for it seems to me that Noah was the First Pirate. Lets look at the truth behind the tale: Noah built the biggest pirate ship of all times, he pillaged the whole earth of its most precious cargo (it’s life) to preserve it, he and his crew escaped in a sea manifest by his almighty FSM filling the earth with his most perfect sauce, and in the end for all those left behind who might seek to do harm to Noah, were destroyed by his Divine Noodliness in a watery grave. A most divine and perfect legend of piracy indeed. For his great deed, Noah must be considered the first King of the Pirates and among the most holy to the Pastafarians. Unfortunately in time, the Christians ,descendents of his own crew they may be, sought to corrupt this most divine legend and fulfill their evil plot to steel illegally and in cowardice that which Noah had stolen legally thru the miracle intervention of his divine Noodliness, And so they build their shrine to their false gods, knowing not the truth but only the lie handed down to them by their mutinous ancestors. And in doing so, they are really creating a most holy site for the true believers, the “Shrine of the Pirate King”. In homage I think it is the responsibility of every true believer to make offerings of rum, pirate flags, and parchment bestowing the truth of Noah the Pirate King and the treachery of those who would steal the true meaning of the ark. We should encourage attendees to the shrine to dress in their most ceremonial pirate attire and then preform a gig on this most holy a shrine to let his most Noodly Lord know that the faithful have not forgotten the truth and are not afraid to celebrate his glory.

  7. Chris Malone says:

    How about meeting the real life Flying Spaghetti Monster (or a guy in a costume looking like FSM.)

  8. Alex Thirtle says:

    How about a river of mariana sauce where new members of the church, such as people who have only just realised the evidence proving the FSM’s existence and parents with new born babies who don’t want to force their children to follow our religion, can have a ladle of sauce slopped upon their face to signify that they like pasta, acknowledge the existence of Him, want to follow the Pastafarian faith and let Him boss them about for the rest of their lives. Of course anyone who doesn’t have a ladle emptied on top of their head will definitely go to hell.

    There should also be a chapel where Pastafarians can get married but if one of the couple has not had their face drenched in mariana sauce then we must refuse to let them marry within the theme park until they visit the mariana river to be ladled.

    • Alex Thirtle says:

      *new born babies who want to force their children (sorry pretty tired right now my head is a bit all over the place, time for some sleep I think)

    • johnny says:

      i definitely like the pastafarian chapel idea

      • smartyhardyhar says:

        that’s intense Mr. Thirtle. Okeeeeeee.. kay? okay… we got um.. no forced religion. But we have a good value system too in this holy moly macaroni place.

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