This site is frustrating

Published April 29th, 2010 by Bobby Henderson

This site is frustrating because these “pastafarians” just use this mock religion to bash on everyone else’s beliefs. there are pieces in the Bible that seem absurd… talking animals, reanimated corpses, the ground opening up and swallowing people, etc. but nothing that takes THIS great a leap in logic. God isn’t a “bearded man on a cloud” He’s the creative force in this universe. hell isn’t a place where you can “chill with friends, but boy is it hot in here”… hell is a place reserved for Satan, and the people who he deceives into following him there. don’t take all this as “shoving my religion down your throat” take it as a clarification of some misunderstandings some pastafarians seem to have about Christianity. the obvious point behind this website is to say “hey you believe in God without proof, well we believe in noodles, and since they already exist, that counts as proof”… well basically, it’s not proof people should look for in spirituality… it’s doctrine. pastafarian doctrine is an obvious farce. the Bible has integrity. where all these other “religious books” fall short, the Bible stands firm. you guys couldn’t even come up with an original name… it had to be ripped off from the Rastafarians… give the Bible a try, an honest try.

Peace and Love for my fellow humans,

227 Responses to “This site is frustrating”

  1. Daryl says:

    Christians… Stupid or a Liar. Where do you fall

    • Rev. Wulff says:

      My vote is for willful ignorance over stupidity.

    • St. Anselm says:

      This sentence is a lie. True or false?

      • Fred Phelps says:

        It’s true and you’re a damned liar and God hates you and you will burn in Hell for eternity and………
        Wait a minute…. If you’re a liar, then what you said can’t be true….and it’s me who…. and…. Oh nooooo….

        • Phred Felps says:

          Good to see you staging a demonstration here, Fred. May our Holy FSM penetrate you with one or more of his noodley appendages. Bring all of your WBC freaks here for an outing and a reaming.

        • Fred Phelps says:

          Mmmmmmmmmm……… Noodly Appendages. Unghhhhh….

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          That scurvy dog Phelps! With a desert island big enough for two, you’d think he would have stayed down his end. But, oh no, instead of fishing or doing something useful, he managed to find flotsam to make bill-boards and started to picket me with “Thank God for Dead Sailors”. I think he wanted to eat me! Or worse!

          I managed to hide in the sand, breathing through a hollow fish finger. I prayed to FSM for the strength to survive my ordeal – and He saved me. Needless to say, when the Coast Guard finally arrived, Phelps was foaming at the mouth and picketing himself; so they left him behind with a barrel of rum. Aaaaarghaaaargh

        • Atsap Revol says:

          Captain Birdseye, I can’t think of a worse person to be marooned with on a desert island than Fred Phelps. I’m glad you left him behind when you were rescued by the Coast Guard. But why did you leave him a barrel of rum? Don’t you know that Baptists aren’t allowed to consume alcohol? But it’s OK for them to behave like total assholes and dishonor dead soldiers, well at least the Westboro brand of Baptists.

          Fundamentalism does bring out the weird, for example: snake handling cults and speaking in tongues. Actually, anyone who sips the born-again kool aide is not too far removed from the Phred Phelps Philosophy. Is there a huge desert island where we could maroon them all permanently?


        • Keith says:

          The barrel of rum was probably left behind to taunt him and remind him that instead of enjoying life he has an annoying life. If noone picks him up he can secretly indulge himself. When it is empty he can claim that there was never rum in it, or blame the godless.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          It was frightful, Mateys, but renewed my faith in FSM.

          Regarding ‘some large island’, I think they already tried Australia or America. Nice idea, but I don’t think it would work. Rabid, evangelical fundamentalists, like WBC, are parasites that cannot survive independently: they need nearby, living hosts. I think that, the best that can be done is, to obstruct, ridicule and ignore them. THREE CHEERS TO AMERICAN WORKERS WHO DO THIS. Can we contribute to their costs?

          The sad bit is that they may genuinely believe they are right. But, that is not enough: THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS! Perhaps some Hate Laws and a specialised, fundamentalist jail may help.

          I always thought that Baptists spoke in tongues because of the grog. They should try playing with Australian Brown snakes (100 times more venomous than rattlesnakes) if they really want to demonstrate their faith.

          Shouldn’t that be Flavor-Aid? They changed the name after JJ gave it a rather bad name.

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          ATSAP: Regarding strange behaviour. As a psychologist, I keep going back to some research called Superstition in the Pigeon. Try reading it?

          The effect occurs when there is a disconnect (random operant conditioning) between a desired result and the increasingly complex behaviour trying to achieve it. Substitute ‘salvation’/piety for the food used in the experiment, and beliefs for behaviour, and…. voila.

          I sometimes wonder if the pigeons ever recovered but, suspect they were permanently damaged (birds work that way).

          In contrast, FSM provides delicious, predictable results every time, and is a true path to sanity.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          Captain Birdseye, thank you for referring me to the excellent research conducted on “Superstition In The Pigeon.” I just read the entire paper which is available in PDF online. The birds certainly demonstrated key elements of religion. There’s no doubt the pigeons could have been conditioned to behaviours such as tithing and genuflecting.

          One of our mateys recently presented a parable demonstrating why it is inadvisable to play chess with a pigeon: “A pigeon will knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, and strut around as if he’s won the game.” Pirate’s parrots are far better and less messy chess players.

          Thank you for your posts. It’s good to have a professional psychologist contributing to our eloquent understanding and worship of the Glorious FSM.

          Atsap Revol, The Pastafarian Prelate

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          ATSAP. I suspect Skinner had religion in mind when he devised that demonstration.

          It never occurred to me to play chess with a pigeon but, I believe your research contributes valuable knowledge to the scientific anals. However, it is possible that the pigeon plays a more advanced game and was simply bored. You can’t prove me wrong – so I must be right.

          Some of my work involves trying to undo the damage caused by cult-think. I am tempted to insert strands of pasta directly into the brain, aiming for the god-spot, but lack willing subjects.

          I genuinely believe that FSM may be best practice treatment for ex-JWs. I encourage them to get Certificates of De-Baptism to hang on their wall, beside their hateful excommunication letters – and laugh at the irony. I hope to do some serious research to confirm the benefits. If you want some more reading, there is a Cult Research Institute that uses a mythology approach to treatment/recovery.

          WELL DONE PASTAFARIANS. Aaaarghhhhh…

        • Captain Birdseye says:

          Atsap Revol: Monsignor, my apologies. I thought prelate was a type of primate.

        • Atsap Revol says:

          Captain Birdseye, your mistake is understandable. You psychologists always think in terms of primates and rats (and even, rarely, pigeons). Actually, I am just an ordained minister of the Pastafarian Church, but I like to promote myself to prelate because it has a nice euphonic ring.

          Good luck on de-cultifying those JW’s. You are working in a wide-open field. After you’ve finished with the JW’s, there are the ex-Mormons, ex-SDA’s, ex-Amish…the list goes on-and-on. How fortunate we are to be Pastafarians where all are welcome to join or leave as they see fit. We offer complete satisfaction, or your old religion back, guaranteed.

          Atsap, Pastafarian Pastor

  2. St. Anselm says:

    Actually, it’s rather nice down here; better job than I had up top.
    And I can make anything exist that I wish for. Sweet.

  3. Fred Phelps says:

    It’s all lies. Thank God for dead pirates, and God hates you, and I’ll laugh when you burn in Hell, and…. urghh…urghh…and God loves me, and….urghhh….urghh, and you hacked my private mail, and…urghhh….Jesus, my second coming…I am truly blessed!

  4. Satan says:

    Hello Fred. I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you’ve brought lots of penicillin. Haaaaahahaaaaa…

  5. Captain Lietz of the O'Grafton says:

    I’ve read the bible and Satan isn’t a real thing… And god tells his people to do more hurtful things to others in the old testament and proclaims other forces to be bad… Not to mention mortal hands wrote your gods book. I’m far from against your beliefs, but I understand some of our people are taking everything the wrong way and spitting in peoples faces.

    I’m pretty sick of people using Pastafarian as an excuse to attack others when that’s completely what we are supposed to be against. We need more dignity, self discipline (brought on by discipline growing up), and loose the unruly attitudes.

    We gloat that we never started a war, but know just because you or your people didn’t throw the first punch does not mean the other person started it.

    • Rev. Wulff says:

      Look again. When people come here with legitimate questions or looking to engage in serious debate, we happily respond in kind. When they come here to troll, we flame the hell out of them (fire being the only way to effectively deal with trolls). But the common denominator is that they *all* come here, we don’t go to them. I’ve said it before and It’s worth repeating: THIS IS OUR CHURCH! It may be the only one we ever have and by FSM we will defend it.

      • Satan says:

        Reverend, as a reformed Devil, and only a figment of some people’s minds, is it possible for a fallen angel to be redeemed?

        Theopastalogically, is it possible to have sauce on my pasta and be ordained? I’m good at entertaining small pirate children and great with barbecues.

        Best wishes, Satan.

      • Devil's Advocate says:

        Reverend. Just curious, but, with all due respect, may I assume from your avatar that you wear a dog collar?

        • Rev. Wulff says:

          You should never assume. My avatar is a wolf, from which I took my name, not a dog.

        • Devil's Advocate says:

          My humble apologies, Reverend Wulff. Smoke from Fred’s ‘ring-of-fire’ must have got in my eyes.

      • Captain Birdseye says:

        With complete ignorance, I once offered a bacon sandwich and can of beer to a Tibetan Buddhist monk. He pointed out the problems and, while I was apologising for my mistake, he took both and said that he’d been waiting 20 years to be offered a bacon sandwich.
        He thoroughly enjoyed both and explained that, if I had been eating worms, and offered him some, he would have accepted, on the basis that, if they were good enough for me, they must be good enough for him. His abbot was beside him and fell about laughing. What a contrast with other religions.

    • Devil's Advocate says:

      A new law firm of false advocates have taken chambers down here, Sharpht, Shlaphfly and Runne. The Bar is indeed low. To date, all their Clients are toast and I just can’t recommend their services.

      Use the true, Devil’s Advocacy Service, should you have difficulties with ignorance.

      (individual results may vary)

  6. Satan says:

    Captain, I may seem an artefact of the superstitious mind, but, Fundamentalists ‘prove’ that I am real, set my agenda, and then call me The King of Lies. Who am I to argue with them?

    Is it possible that you are unaware of WBC and their unspeakably shameful public methods? In my opinion, the best approach, in support of their victims, is to publicaly ridicule them. WBC achieves depths of depravity I could not even imagine.

    This site is private and I applaud the teams of volunteers who surround, mock and obstruct them in public. What took them so long? Polite tolerance? Disbelief?

    Ho hum, back to the grind.

    • TheFewtheProudtheMarinara says:

      Sorry, Satan, but you ARE (woops, I mean ARRRRRGH) an artifact of a superstitious mind. People couldn’t rationalize an all-good god allowing bad things to happen, so they invented you. Rather than being the King of Lies you many be the King Lie.

      • Satan says:

        Oh dear. Should I offer My resignation? Or, remain on standby for emergencies? After all, if some people’s fear of Me keeps them in check, am I not a power for good? On the other hand, if My ‘existence’ affords their God the opportunity to commit unspeakable acts, it may be time to retire from such politics. I just can’t decide between Westboro or Utah; and I always wanted to be a pastry chef.

        There IS cake in Hell. Your affectionate Devil, Satan.

        PS. Fred says: “Send the rest of the coven and bring more penicillin”.

        (always read the small print before signing contracts; individual results may vary)

  7. Devil's Advocate says:

    Lay off my client, Satan. All he did was ask people to use the brain they were given and question blind faith. He never told people to smash babies on rocks before their parents eyes, rape women, commit repeated psychopathic genocide and take slaves. Satan wanted people to DOUBT what they were told to do in the supposed Name of God. He was their demonised scapegoat. God was criminally insane and Satan tried to stop him.

    He should be Saint Lucifer, if you ask me. And He does a cool trick with matches. I rest my case.

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