Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM

Published September 4th, 2009 by Bobby Henderson

i like coffee

As an athiest and a feminist, I have had a lot of trouble with your Church’s vision of “heaven”. ..really, a stripper factory?!?! As a herteosexual woman, I don’t find this vision of heaven very appealing. And I really don’t like beer at all. I’m more of a red wine gal. I also have had problems with Pastafarianism since my doctor told me I have to cut back on carbs. I admit, giving up pasta has me really stresses out, so much so that while cleaning my kitchen up today, I dropped a coffee filter FULL of wet ground on the floor. As I started to clean it up, His Nooldy Goodness touched me and gave me this vision:

In Heaven, I can eat all the pasta I want and still have the body of a stripper! I can run my “self” through the Stripper Factory system over and over again, changing my appearance by pushing the “reset button” before I go into it. I will have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and I will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something I can’t do now since I’m almost 60.) “He” also whispered into my ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet. It really solves all my theological problems.

When the vision faded, I awoke on the kitchen floor thinking I had had a stroke, but then, I saw the splattered coffee grounds (see attachment) and knew I had truely been blessed by “Him”.

Alison in Sherman Oaks

46 Responses to “Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM”

  1. Bredebear says:

    Jess (#26) have you ever actually read the Bible? What do you think of Chapters Five through Seven of I Kings? At least FSM does not require folks to offer up golden hemorrhoids and mice. (Nor did FSM ever slay “fifty thousand of the common people” for looking at him, cf. I Kings 19.) The images are wonderful: “their little ones shall be dashed in pieces, and their pregnant woman ripped open” by God. Hosea 13:16. “Do not think that I have come to send peace upon the earth; I have come to bring a sword, not peace. For I have come to set a man at varience with his father, and a daughter with her mother, and a daughter-in-law with her mother-in-law, and a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.” Matt. 10:34-36.

    Pasta be with you.

  2. Jess says:

    #27, I stress the fact that it is your choice, and it’s up to you to choose God, or pasta.

    #28, It osunds like your form of testing him is actually a form of mockery. Making fun of him. How would this FSM you believe in feel if you where to mock him in this way? I doubt he will refill your cup either. I know though that if you where to ask him seriously, and where really thirsting for the truth, that he would show you the way to his heart. I’ll keep praying for you.

    #29, Then you must understand the passion I feel for my God, and compare it to the passion you have for yours and the desire to spread the word to others. Understand that I want to see all of you in God’s perfect heaven… one without strippers and alcohol.

    #30, if I wanted my god to remain an insignifigant myth, would I be on this site, and praying for you? I want the whole world to know of my God, in the same way you yours. And actually, you don’t know my life. I can read a lot of Hebrew, and read and study the original Bible.

    #31, It was a metaphor. You think I’m off my meds? Fine. I’ll just go back to eating my spaghetti now and hope it doesn’t condemn me to Hell.

    #32, Thank you, it did help. I understand more of the origin of the religion. As for convincing me that it’s not leading you away from true happiness in God, haha! You have a LOT more convincing to do.

    #33, Read again Bredabear. Make sure you read Chapter 5: verse 4. You contradict yourself there. As for the rest of the things that sound horrible, have you overlooked the fact that a lot of it has to do with idoletry??? Hmmmm….. and by the way, ever consider the things these people where going through in Bible times? these where people who daily underwent slavery, murder, and abuse in every way! You think if Jesus had come at that time talking about love and peace, they’d even be able to begin to digest what they where saying? (Hehe digest. Bad pun sorry.) The only way to get through to the people who didn’t even know the meaning of love or peacce, was respect through fear. Thus, hazaa God laid down the rules. Following? Which is why I was saying that God knows eacah individual person. (Luke 12:7) and how to show you that He loves you the way you are, and wants you to be with him, and that by full heartedly asking him if he’s real, and asking him to show you his love, (in a non teasing way) then he’ll reveal himself in the way he knows will truly touch your heart.

  3. Nyx says:

    You guys should leave Jess alone…couldn’t be anymore than what 14, 15 at the most?… they obviously were not raised to question anything and to believe whatever has been spoon fed to them without question…never mind the fact that the Bible was written not during the time that it happened but many many years after the fact..picked and chosen what went into it by the catholic church buy MEN who hated woman.. ok Sorry got off topic…My point is let Jess continue to go on in their life believing what is being spoon fed to them. We all have our own beliefs and maybe when they get some years under their belts they will to…(Couldn’t say he or she because the name could go both ways and I don’t want to offend her/him anymore than what they already are LOL)…I do have one question though…If this site is so upsetting to you Jess then why are you even on here? My advice, you dont like be an adult about it and leave. Its honestly not that hard. Watch..Im going to leave the page right now……

  4. Jess says:

    Well Nyx, ever thought that maybe I was on this site because I was looking at different religions and what they’re about? And the Bible wasn’t sppon fed to me, I chose it of my own accord. Just as you chose yours (if you have one). And like I said, the Hebrew, the original bible, isn’t edited by the Cahtolic church or edited to liking. Which is why when you’re reading the Bible, the point is to get the basic jist of what it’s saying, not to dissect every thou from every shalt. (which by the way there aren’t any thous or shalts in the original Bible) and by telling me that if I’m going tto just question things to get off the site, well gee that’s really representing how much you want other’s to hear of your god isn’t it? And actually, the bible was written during that time, just like, for example, autobiographys of people like Rosa Parks where written at the end of her life, or after the highlights of her life. The bible was written to date at the time it says it was, and you have no proof to say it doesn’t, or do you? If so, please do share.

    Oh, p.s., I’m a female.

  5. Alison in Sherman Oaks (The Prophetesse) says:

    Thanks to all for your responses and encouragement. I enjoy it when everyone interacts. Conversation is good. To Jess (poor Jess). I, too, was once a “born-again-er”. Nothing happened…no anwered prayers, no miracles. Children still died of cancer, good Christian people continued to suffer and a lot of ass-holes got rich. If there IS a God, clearly, “he” doesn’t have feelings like you and I do. Then I discovered that our Creator has only one attribute that is useful to humans: humor.

    Mya you all be touched by His noodley goodness.


    AC in SO

  6. c'est moi! says:

    I am a Feminist and an Atheist as well. I must point out that his noodliness, in all of his great wisdom, never pointed out whether or not the supposed stripper was a female or a male, so it wouldn’t be blasphemous to expect some Chip n Dales dancers. RAmen.

  7. plumberbob says:

    @ 38 – c’est moi! -,

    Remember that FSM heaven is really HEAVEN. What you need and desire will be provided in the manner that you need and desire it. Our inability to properly describe everything is not a consequence of the reality that we’ll find when we arrive there.


  8. Ari says:

    “The bible was written to date at the time it says it was, and you have no proof to say it doesn’t, or do you? If so, please do share.”

    The bible has a publication date??? No publication date, no author’s signature…sounds kinda suspicious, don’t you think?
    Anyway, the Gospel of Mark was written in about 65 CE, long after the events it describes. These biblical ‘prophecies’ were not predictions, the way we typically think about the word ‘prophecy’ today: it was more like a rewriting of history with a spiritual twist, in order to put historical events into the larger context of some ‘divine plan’, and you can bet that events that didn’t fit with that ‘divine plan’ were simply left out.
    People weren’t exactly sharp back then, either: the gospels were compiled from the stories and heresay of suspicious and illiterate shepherds decades after the events happened. And this is the basis for a religion?

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