Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM

Published September 4th, 2009 by Bobby Henderson

i like coffee

As an athiest and a feminist, I have had a lot of trouble with your Church’s vision of “heaven”. ..really, a stripper factory?!?! As a herteosexual woman, I don’t find this vision of heaven very appealing. And I really don’t like beer at all. I’m more of a red wine gal. I also have had problems with Pastafarianism since my doctor told me I have to cut back on carbs. I admit, giving up pasta has me really stresses out, so much so that while cleaning my kitchen up today, I dropped a coffee filter FULL of wet ground on the floor. As I started to clean it up, His Nooldy Goodness touched me and gave me this vision:

In Heaven, I can eat all the pasta I want and still have the body of a stripper! I can run my “self” through the Stripper Factory system over and over again, changing my appearance by pushing the “reset button” before I go into it. I will have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and I will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something I can’t do now since I’m almost 60.) “He” also whispered into my ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet. It really solves all my theological problems.

When the vision faded, I awoke on the kitchen floor thinking I had had a stroke, but then, I saw the splattered coffee grounds (see attachment) and knew I had truely been blessed by “Him”.

Alison in Sherman Oaks

46 Responses to “Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM”

  1. me says:

    a truely inspiring story

  2. Pawel says:

    IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!
    His Noodly Appendage saved her
    Praise FSM

  3. Newbie Magnus says:

    It sounds as though you have been truly blessed, yet I find, his Noodlyness must see to you a way he has told us he would not. Remember the eight IRRYDs:

    I Really Rather You Didn’t go around telling people I talk to you, you’re not that interesting, get over yourself, besides, I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?

    However, I have no doubt our Noodly Saviour may have grown bored of merely watch his children, and has he revealed himself to you, I feel as though we have all been blessed by the sign. Our faith is the true one.

    Thank you, for sharing this revelation.

    //Magnus Lundén, Tranås, Sweden

  4. Judy says:

    Remember, it’s Slow Carbs, not No Carbs! You can continue to partake of the noodliness. Heaven is here on Earth for you, especially with whole wheat pasta.

  5. iloveramen! says:

    can you answer this question for me? why do you call your god a “monster” instead of something like, “the flying spagetti savior” or something like that?

  6. victoria says:

    I’m earning credit in a class to study this. Awsome.

  7. Ari says:

    @Newbie Magnus:

    Ah, but it’s a “I’d Really Rather You Didn’t”…not one of those stuffy “Thou Shalt Not” commands (which the followers of those religions break on a regular basis anyway). The revelation was such that she couldn’t keep it to herself, nor should she have.
    Fear not, Alison: the FSM is a flexible god (he’s well-cooked!)

  8. Captain Hookballs says:

    @Captain Marcus – A wonderful and poetic addition to the Noodly Apocrypha!

    And for the record, to those who think “Stripper Factory” may sound inhuman, remember that His Carbosity does not use the crude tools as we, His primitive creations. Instead, strippers – male, female, or any variant or combination thereof – are exquisitely sculpted with nano-noodle technology for the pleasure of those who have accepted His meaty balls into their heart.

    As Prophet Alison has just learned, we may also run ourselves through the stripper factory, to keep ourselves young and beautiful though we eat pasta and heavy sauces for ever and ever, RAmen.

    Unlike Muslim heaven, these strippers are not virgins, but instead know how to use their noodle (or yours, as the case may be). And you are not limited to merely 72 for all eternity. The factory runs forever, powered by His Saucy Love.

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