Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM

Published September 4th, 2009 by Bobby Henderson

i like coffee

As an athiest and a feminist, I have had a lot of trouble with your Church’s vision of “heaven”. ..really, a stripper factory?!?! As a herteosexual woman, I don’t find this vision of heaven very appealing. And I really don’t like beer at all. I’m more of a red wine gal. I also have had problems with Pastafarianism since my doctor told me I have to cut back on carbs. I admit, giving up pasta has me really stresses out, so much so that while cleaning my kitchen up today, I dropped a coffee filter FULL of wet ground on the floor. As I started to clean it up, His Nooldy Goodness touched me and gave me this vision:

In Heaven, I can eat all the pasta I want and still have the body of a stripper! I can run my “self” through the Stripper Factory system over and over again, changing my appearance by pushing the “reset button” before I go into it. I will have infinite costumes, hair and make-up changes and I will feel strong and vibrant enough to pole dance (something I can’t do now since I’m almost 60.) “He” also whispered into my ear that the beer in heaven tastes the way one wants it to taste…so the Beer Volcano is magical in that the beer sometimes tastes like a chocolate milk shake – or – a really nice Cabernet. It really solves all my theological problems.

When the vision faded, I awoke on the kitchen floor thinking I had had a stroke, but then, I saw the splattered coffee grounds (see attachment) and knew I had truely been blessed by “Him”.

Alison in Sherman Oaks

46 Responses to “Coffee grounds sighting and Feminism vs. FSM”

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  1. Daniel says:

    I think you will find male strippers when you go to heaven and vine volcanos.

  2. Logan says:

    Don’t forget about the male stripper factory that only people who are attracted to men can see. As to your revelations; RAmen.

  3. Hollee says:

    Well of course there are Male strippers to ogle too, they’re just “invisible to all the Non-homo guys.” And a women in Pastafarian Heaven doesn’t have to be a stripper, she can just sit back and enjoy the view. That is wonderful that you have been touched by his noodly appendage though. (aww, noodly comes up with ungodly as one of the spell check options. That’s blatant discrimination. No wonder so many posters CLEARLY don’t use it.)

  4. Sarah says:

    Don’t forget the male strippers! I want to see a Jack Sparrow look-alike shaking his booty up on that stage, ARR!


  5. moby says:

    OMFSM! You *have* been truly blessed… The FSM never answers all of my questions so directly, and I’m stuck interpreting His teachings as best as I can. Congrats!

  6. Sisyphus Fragment says:

    Even His noodley goodness works through the magic and power of pareidolia!

  7. billybobknuckledragger says:

    As a very devout Pastafarian who often partakes in the Holy ritual of viewing strippers (and drinking beer, of course) male strippers will no doubt exist in the FSM Heaven for you (and all gay males and straight females) viewing pleasure. Though I enjoy female strippers myself, I hope the FSM will use me in His Divine Noodly ways and let me be a male stripper in Heaven. I just hope there are plenty of women in Pastafarian Heaven whose moral standards are as “loose” as mine!

    RAmen and FSM be with you Alison!

  8. Doctor of Pastdivinity says:

    There will be strippers of both sexes, not only in Heaven but also in Hell. But volcanoes, both in Hell and Heaven, will be of beer, not vine, in any case.

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