official missionary transportation

Published March 17th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

Do you guys like this boat?


(you can’t really tell, but I crossed out the name of the boat, and wrote “church of the fsm”)

(note – in picture 2, there used to be a lady standing on the deck, but I photoshopped her out. You can still sort of see her legs if you look closely)

It’s not a pirate boat. But here’s the thing: it’s also not $2 million. This one’s a Tayana 37. The one pictured isn’t for sale, but they run about $100k, which we could probably handle *right now*.

The official FSM church missionary pirate boat IS going to happen, it’s just a matter of to what degree you want. I want to get everyone’s opinion on this. Wait until we can afford a “real” pirate ship, or get something smaller and start now? The Church makes nowhere near the amount of cash to get a millions-of-dollars boat anytime soon, if ever. The funds now are all coming from the t-shirts, car emblems, and book sales, and they’ve about leveled off. However, we do have a licensing arrangement, and there are some tv interests. That could mean some more cash for the pirate-boat-fund.

And there’s the option of fund-raising, but I’m guessing that people would be apprehensive paying into a fund like this (I would be). And are there that many seriously interested people who would pay $1k or more for a share of a pirate boat? I sort of wonder.

Maybe we could purchase a working boat, like a Baltic Trader (it’s sort of piratey), one of those ships that moves cargo from island to island in the tropics.

(baltic trader)

A trading ship would make enough money to keep it going (boats are crazy-expensive to upkeep). By the way, a Baltic Traders can easily go for a million dollars or more.
As for the actual missionary work we’ll be doing, I think it will take place somewhere tropical. Other than that, maybe we’ll just cruise around and wait for inspiration, like Jesus did.

And, as I’m sure there will be no shortage of volunteers, if we get a smaller boat we’ll have to figure out how to arrange the crewing,etc. And also I heard that it’s somewhat complicated to sail and maneuver around islands and other boats and things, so we’ll have to figure out a way to keep from sinking. Like a rule that at least a couple people onboard at anytime know what they’re doing.

Please discuss, I want to hear everyone’s opinions on this.

284 Responses to “official missionary transportation”

  1. One-eyed Wonderkin says:

    NewAtheist – The atheists in the bible belt are very quiet. Rowdiest Wench and the symbol guy are in the bible belt (I think).
    If you are in the bible belt, I would leave. :) Just kidding.

  2. BlackBat242 says:

    Actually, HMAS Diamantina is a “River” class Frigate (an escort vessel of 1,450 tons displacement with 4″ guns… Battleships have guns of 11″ to 18″ shell diameter and are 15,000 tons to 60,000 tons.

    She comissioned in the RAN in 1945, served as an Oceanographic ship from 1959, and has been a museum ship in Brisbane since 1980.

    If she is sunk, that would be a real loss to Australian history.

  3. angryyoungatheist says:

    sorry i generalised blackbat.
    the problem wth the diamantina is, it’s dry dock isn’t dry anymore, so there’s some damage to the hull.

  4. Dorian Webb says:

    Honestly, a trading boat would be a decent choice, but perhaps we should build some smaller boats (25-20 footers) to store on the ship for our boarding parties. While using the ship to bring in revenue by hauling cargo sounds like a good idea, it seems a little astray from what the FSM’s chosen people would do with such a resouce.

    Boats are definitely expensive thingd to buils and keep up, but a pirate is nothing but a landlubber without a ship.

  5. El Peatieablo says:

    We should defiantly get on this.
    idea 1: We could make our own boat (It could be customized for the purpose of converting people, and if any religion could build a seaworthy pirate ship, I’m sure it would be us)
    idea 2: Maybe we could give people rides on the boat (cuz, who wouldn’t want a ride on a pirate ship?), and then get money from them.
    idea 3: We should have an air cannon that shoots candy, so we can more effectively had out candy to small children at port (and perhaps we should also shoot toothbrushes/toothpaste to prevent bad oral hygiene, just a thought).
    idea 4: There has to be some profit in hauling cargo, so maybe we could get a bank to loan us money for the ship, and then we gradually pay it off (kind of like a small business). Or perhaps we could sell advertising space for some money (I imagine some beer companies might be interested in putting their product on our sails).
    idea 5: The ship should have solar power and some kind of internet connection.
    idea 6: We could sail to the poles and do some research on climate change (We might even get a grant from the government, and they give lots of money).
    idea 7: We should recruit some actual sailors to help us pick out our ship and then teach how to use it and not die.

  6. Etay says:

    We need cannons, instead of canons.

  7. El Peatieablo says:

    I disagree. If we are going to convert people, it is probably best not to overwhelm them with too much information. In my opinion, potential converts need to be eased into their new life, and accepting the FSM should come before accepting proper use of language.
    Or I need to proofread better, one of the two. :)

  8. bazookoid says:


    Mate, dont generalise. not all aussies are obsessed with beer.
    Dont be such a frikkin’ choad
    May his noodlyness have mercy on you

Leave a Reply