official missionary transportation

Published March 17th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

Do you guys like this boat?


(you can’t really tell, but I crossed out the name of the boat, and wrote “church of the fsm”)

(note – in picture 2, there used to be a lady standing on the deck, but I photoshopped her out. You can still sort of see her legs if you look closely)

It’s not a pirate boat. But here’s the thing: it’s also not $2 million. This one’s a Tayana 37. The one pictured isn’t for sale, but they run about $100k, which we could probably handle *right now*.

The official FSM church missionary pirate boat IS going to happen, it’s just a matter of to what degree you want. I want to get everyone’s opinion on this. Wait until we can afford a “real” pirate ship, or get something smaller and start now? The Church makes nowhere near the amount of cash to get a millions-of-dollars boat anytime soon, if ever. The funds now are all coming from the t-shirts, car emblems, and book sales, and they’ve about leveled off. However, we do have a licensing arrangement, and there are some tv interests. That could mean some more cash for the pirate-boat-fund.

And there’s the option of fund-raising, but I’m guessing that people would be apprehensive paying into a fund like this (I would be). And are there that many seriously interested people who would pay $1k or more for a share of a pirate boat? I sort of wonder.

Maybe we could purchase a working boat, like a Baltic Trader (it’s sort of piratey), one of those ships that moves cargo from island to island in the tropics.

(baltic trader)

A trading ship would make enough money to keep it going (boats are crazy-expensive to upkeep). By the way, a Baltic Traders can easily go for a million dollars or more.
As for the actual missionary work we’ll be doing, I think it will take place somewhere tropical. Other than that, maybe we’ll just cruise around and wait for inspiration, like Jesus did.

And, as I’m sure there will be no shortage of volunteers, if we get a smaller boat we’ll have to figure out how to arrange the crewing,etc. And also I heard that it’s somewhat complicated to sail and maneuver around islands and other boats and things, so we’ll have to figure out a way to keep from sinking. Like a rule that at least a couple people onboard at anytime know what they’re doing.

Please discuss, I want to hear everyone’s opinions on this.

284 Responses to “official missionary transportation”

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  1. bob dole's sock says:

    I believe that if you want to truly honor the FSM then the only proper option is to build your own vessel. It would be cheaper than an authentic one, and can be built to whatever specifications would be required. Don’t just buy one that will “suffice”, pay Him a true homage and build one in his name.

  2. Bosun (Boatswain) BuRn says:

    theres a group of people that have built and sail a replica of the Nina, of columbus history. i think last time they sailed into town for the week they said it was built in south america, and they are working on another for the fleet. in the winter months, it sails in the caribbean.
    building a boat, especially one like this is super expensive, and possibly untrustworthy. but the prospect of getting out there excites me, and I’d like to offer up my services as a full time bosun. Already have the whistle!

  3. Booty says:

    I like the look of the trading one, much more piratey, but as I get seasick in the bath I have volunteered to man (wench) the harbour bar.
    I work for the NHS *insert hollow laugh here* so don’t have any spare money to put towards the fund :( Sorry :(

  4. Jingles says:

    Personally, I’d say go with the trader first. It’s all very well to say build your own, but it will cost money… more money than you have.
    Trying to save for something like this will be nigh on impossible if your sole income source for this is FSM paraphenalia.
    Likewise, getting a bank loan for a vessel that has no particular purpose (as far as a bank would be concerned, my own views differ somewhat) would be either
    a) immensely difficult,
    b) prohibtively expensive
    c) both
    By comparison, buying a trader is a business investment. Business investment is easily explained, has a lower danger of failing to recoup investment than charity, and will also provide funds enough to survive on for the forseeable future.
    Trading between islands, (self explanatory really)
    Working cruises, where for a small fee, a potential sailor works on the ship for a month etc (this system is commonly used on replica ships here in Oz)
    Leisure cruises, where for a large fee, the person enjoys heaven on earth (who wouldn’t want to sail with a bunch of roguish pirates and crafty wenches though beautiful tropical waters, discussing the finer points of philosphy, theology, beer and the art of making a really good marinara?).
    Theatre; special guest appearences of the pirates, staging an annual raid on, say, Miami, would make a great tourist attraction for the city, leading to possible government investment, or at the very least, greater public awareness.
    After that, it gets a bit fiddly, but think also of novelty weddings, collaboration with atheist/secular societies for events, etc.
    With sufficient self promotion, and a little bit of noodley loving, you would earn enough to buy a fleet within a few years, and have a corporate empire within a decade.

  5. Bubba says:

    well, I’d go with the smaller version first, and if it is successful we can just buy a bigger one later on

    but for now, the small one will do imo

    btw if you need a unexperienced german born sailor that has no clue what the hell he is doing i’ll volunteer hehe

  6. Pieces of h8 says:

    Why not just steal the ship? That would make it a pirate ship by default.

  7. Scooter says:

    Other churches have built their empires through tithing… maybe all of these bilge rats who claim to be Pastafarians can start ponying up the dough to get this church out to sea!

    Of course we need to get the church tax shelter in place first… how’s that going?

  8. Red DutchPasta Kidd says:

    I’d love to sail on that trader boat. Scooter has a point, first get official status as a church, so every donated penny is going to the boat and not to the state.
    I’m no use as a sailor though, i don’t get seasick but I am afraid of heights (so no climbing for me) So I’ll just wench the bar with Booty.

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