if i were to shoot your wife

Published November 24th, 2006 by Bobby Henderson
flimsy moral standards? Lets see here.

If I were to shoot your wife, would you have a problem with that?

-michael martin

697 Responses to “if i were to shoot your wife”

  1. Ollie says:

    Hm. Although nobody reads this far down, I dont have a wife, and this is SEVERELY lacking in ANY sort of moral argument, i feel the need to hurt you emotionally (and maybe physically, in time).
    I would first come to your house while you were out, and steal a hair from your pillow. This will be useful later.
    I would then track you down at some sort of social gathering, where you would be most humilliated; where I would spend the evening throwing small but UNBELEIVABLY sharp peices of broken glass and metal splinters at you, which would not injure you but prove severely annoying, especially as you you wont be able to work out where they were coming from.
    When you go home, I will be waiting there with…
    A time machine
    A video camera
    A pirate hat
    A knife
    Several bendy straws
    Some rope
    A bigger knife
    A delicious plate of spaghetti with meatballs
    A catapult
    A Brass band
    Two folding chairs
    AND a six pack of beer.
    The six pack, the spaghetti, and one of the folding chairs are for me. The camera is set up in the corner, recording. I would then jump out at you from behind the door (you are distracted by the strange assortment of items on your living room floor), cut your achilles tendons, and watch you crawl around bleeding for a bit. Then, i would Tie you to a chair using the rope, then use the bigger knife to cut your torso open, and drape your intestines around your neck. We with both be surprised at how long you stay conscious whilst i eat my spaghetti with meatballs and liten to the brass band, currently playing a jaunty pirate song. I put on my pirate hat, and then throw one remaining meatball down your throat. You will start choking. I then stand up, and proceed to cut out your organs, and craftily arrange them with straws of different lengths, fashioning them into crude wind intruments. The lungs will work surprisingly well as bag-pipes.
    We then parade down the street, put your mangled corpse in the catapult, and launch you over the horizon.

    Oh Dear. I think I went TOO FAR then. (for this bit to work, you will have to assume that time is NOT linear.)
    That is what the time machine and video camera are. I take the camera, get in my time machine, and go back to the moment when you are born; where i take the hair, as before mentioned, and grow several clones of you. I then go forwards in time, to just before you shoot my wife, offer you cake, and we will sit down and watch the video, titled “what happens if you shoot my wife”. I am assuming that you will avoid doing so.

    If not, I will show you your clones, and threaten to kill them in equally gruesome ways. That should sort it out.

    Hmm. that took too long.

  2. Starbuckaneer says:

    WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard.

  3. Ollie says:

    Well thankyou- but i just noticed i didnt use the six-pack of beer.
    Just fit it in somewhere around where i am sitting in the chair eating spaghetti.

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  5. The Pretties says:

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  6. luv jain says:

    “”If I were to shoot your wife, would you have a problem with that?””
    i might not, but the police and court/jugde probably will u MOTHERFUCKING WIFE KILLER!!!!! MY YOUR BURN AND ROT IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY.

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  8. Laurene Dzurilla says:

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