Hello. I am Graham Holiman,

Published October 12th, 2005 by Bobby Henderson

Hello. I am Graham Holiman, a member of the religious right who is not offended by your site at all. In fact, I find it quite entertaining.

But you’re still dead wrong.

To start with, you have cleverly implied an argument without ever saying it outloud. This is a very effective strategy, because no one can really disagree with your argument if it hasn’t been said yet. But I am going to say it outloud here, so I can point out what’s wrong with it.

Your logic simplifies down to 3 points.

Given 1–There is about as much scientific evidence that mankind was created by a Spaghetti Monster as that mankind was created by the Christian God. I’ll agree with you here.

Given 2–Everyone can see it’s rediculous to believe mankind was actually created by Spaghetti. I’ll agree with you here too.

Conclusion–Therefore, everyone should be able to see it’s just as rediculous to believe mankind was created by the Christian God. Wrong.

You forgot to look at why no one believes mankind was created by Spaghetti. It’s not for lack of scientific evidence, it’s for lack of theological evidence. Mankind has amassed a great amount of theological writings and thoughts, which point to several different creator gods. Which ones are most credible isn’t an issue at the moment. But none of them point to Spaghetti as creator, so of course no one is truly going to believe they were created by Spaghetti (however much they might pretend at political rallies).

So then, why should the scientific evidence for ID be any more compelling than the scientific evidence for FSM? The answer is…its not! Rather, the scientific evidence for ID doesn’t point to any specific creator, but just to a creator in general. So FSM could use exactly the same physical evidence as ID does with no problems. The fact that it will still be unbelievable is due to theology, not science.

(I haven’t addressed what exactly the evidence actually says, because thats a different topic entirely. I couldn’t fit a good look at it into this Email without losing your attention real fast. This Email is specifically designed to cover the FSM argument, not any scientific arguments.) Directly or indirectly your humor is directed against The Creator and Sustainer of life! This might not be reality to you now, but stay as you are and you will someday stand before Him and feel the awesome weight of your actions. Whether conscious of this fact, or simply creating this website for harmless, humoristic fun, you are influencing lives to treat heartfelt eternal matters as worthless and lighthearted.

Better yet, ask Jesus to help you to see the Reality of His death and His payment on the cross for your faithlessness, so that you may pass from death to life by receiving His grace (unmerited favor). The bible teaches that you are already dead, in your transgressions and sins and physically existing only by His grace and authority. When your time expires and He withholds your breath, the state of your soul at that time will determine whether you join Him or go to a godless eternity. This is spiritual reality and a wise, prudent person would be respectful enough to leave it alone. Stay as you are and these words will become part of your eternal memory.

These words are said in love. We will be praying for you. To us, your website is a plea to pray for you. You place yourself in a spiritually dangerous place when mocking the things of God, even when done in meaningless humor. The bible says, ‘It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God’. To Christians He is a Father and The Lord of Love. To heathens, all those who do not accept Jesus as Lord and Savior of their lives, He will be the Righteous Judge who will in the day of judgment reveal their worthless years spent on earth. The scripture also says that it would have been better for that person to have never been born because the sad fact is that they will spend time and eternity absent from the presence of such a loving God.

Hell was created originally for rebellious angels. Humans who wind up there do so because of their choices made in life. Pride alone caused Satan to be cast out of his heavenly highly exalted position. When pride entered into his heart he believed he could usurp God’s authority. This same pride of life and willful disobedience causes many a soul to join eternally with the master of deception. This is the just reward for those who lack faith and spurn the gift God gave to us, freely. The gift of His Son, Jesus who is the only one who can change the destiny of every man’s soul.


57 Responses to “Hello. I am Graham Holiman,”

  1. Benny The Ball says:

    Theological writings does not count as evidence. I would not convict a person for a crime because somebody knew somebody who said he knew somebody that saw it happen. It is all hearsay and rumour that has been written down. No different to legends like King Arthur.

  2. Cey says:

    I come to you, fellow pastafaces, with a problem
    See, i was raised as a catholic, and after years and years of attemped brainwashing, I finally came into my own enough to look up and laugh at the idiocy around me. My problem, unfortunately, is that some of the brainwashing worked. Ironically, it is in the swearing department. I cannot, CANNOT, stop using, “Holy shit!”.. “Goddamnit!”.. “Jesus Christ!” … Not because I believe any of it, but being around so many .. uhm.. non.. blasphemous… christians, It is firmly ingrained in my vocabulary as acceptable vocalizations of disgust, discomfort, and outrage. I of course use others, but for minor swears in more polite company I’m at a loss, and it is just instinct now.
    Help me to shake this! Every time i say one of these I hate myself, because I feel I am lending legitimacy to something I despise as a great crime against humanity; organized religion, in my case more specifically christianity. Help out a fellow pirate :(

  3. Darwin says:


    a lot of text about a certain matter provides in no way proof that the matter in question is existent/useful/applicable/whatever. For example, much is written about homeopathy – that is, from a scientific point of view, entirely rubbish. On the other hand, we have “numerous texts”, as Bobby stated in his original letter: “…the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this.” See? Text alone about something means nothing; it depends on what is written. As for another example, you may wish to look up “Phlogiston theory” in Wikipedia. That was a popular theory in the 18th century, and much was written about it. However, current opinion of the scientific community is that the Phlogiston theory is obsolete.

    To make a short story, the amount of writing about god does not correlate positively with the probability of his existence, whereas repeated positive chemical or physical measurements of his constituents certainly would.

    Thanks for the thoughts.

  4. Halibut Pirate says:

    Good day, Graham, or is it Philip? Thank you for your concern and for laying out our logic so very concisely. The fact remains, however, that the sticking point of your argument is sadly lacking. I would think it would be obvious that one cannot use the Bible or any paraphrasing thereof to convert those who believe it’s a work of literature and nothing more. Your textbook usage of evangelical conversion technique draws heavily upon the deep insecurities of its hearers, but fortunately, most of the audience here has outgrown vulnerability to such scare tactics. I hope you find a deeper meaning in your life, maybe even one that isn’t rooted in a belief system that makes you feel guilty for being human.

  5. grim trigger says:

    Hah. @ Graham Holiman — I’m imagining your surname to be a play on words.

    Philip, however, is less intelligent for neglecting to take off your name at the beginning. Also, the proselytizing gets real old, real fast.

  6. Apprentice Frederick says:

    Some wise person once made a remark to the effect that a walk through an insane asylum should be enough to convince most of us that taith alone is not enough. A wise Pastafarian has also – in effect -observed that reacting to the illiterate frothing that constitutes most of the site’s hate mail posts quickly gets to be a fack – er, fag. Graham/Phil’s is a brilliant, though still depressing, exception. The forums are far better places for serious discussion.

  7. Cappy Caine says:

    To Graham and his response to his own email –
    Cheers for admitting that you search for your own name on the internet. It is the narcissistic something few will admit to, but every one of us does…kind of like masturbation.
    To the first part of the email which you claim is your own:
    Please stop referencing your own sources that are not accepted by anybody else except the believer of your own sources. If I limited my sources to old stories written by people that didn’t even know the world was a giant sphere to prove my case for a creator, then of course I could do it. If I allow for more contemporary, reliable information (with repeatable conclusions and demonstrable evidence), then none of it points to a god. The difference between your sources and my sources is that I can demonstrate with empirical evidence why things are the way they are and this information is the same for you and me (whether you are a socialist, gay, Christian or Atheist). You rely on the fact that your sources are ancient for authenticity.

  8. violentred says:

    @Cey… I recommend that you look up the definition to the words in the phrases you are using and make an informed decision about what they MEAN to YOU based off of YOUR research.

    Shame that Phillip stole your writings Mr. Holiman.

    Interpretation is a great part of Free Will. For some…Damnation for Creation (Christians).

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