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Save the Kiwi

Published July 20th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

Robin Capper of RobiNZ, a resident of New Zealand, wrote the following article on his website and has granted me permission to republish it here. In the following text, Robin asks his country’s conservation officials if anyone has carried out the Kiwi Motivation Test, as described in the Gospel of the FSM. He manages to get a reply and responds again. Enjoy. -bobby


Save the Kiwi (Apteryx) from the Flying Spaghetti Monster Kiwi Motivation Test

How could the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) threaten our national icon, the New Zealand Kiwi (Apteryx)?

This submission to a well recognized Government Conservation Agency explains it all:

I’m currently reading “The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” by Bobby Henderson.

It’s the official gospel of the deity known as the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” (FSM) and gives the true story of creation from it’s beginning 5000 years ago to today. While that time period and the process may not quite agree with accepted scientific theory it gives convincing explanations for these anomalies.

Creation, the Big Bang, Dinosaurs, Fossils, Red Shifted Stars, Quantum Physics, String Theory – more correctly spaghetti theory – and the process incorrectly attributed to Evolution are integrated into a total world view guided by the unseen touch of the FSM’s Noodly Tentacles.

It’s a wonderful book that will result in many converting to “Pastafarianism” but there is a risk. I’m concerned non-believers trying to disprove Pastafarianism may impact our threatened national icon – the Kiwi.

The reason for this is material that appears on pages 47 & 48. Its a rebuttal of Evolution titled “Kiwi Birds: Flight-less?”.

It explains the Kiwis inability to fly, conventionally attributed to environmental aspects like plentiful ground feed and a lack of predators, is not proven. Prophet Bobby states that in addition to being spherical Kiwis are also extremely lazy. He contends that they can fly but simply lack motivation and choose not too. He argues, “You’ll never see me running but there is a good chance that I could”.

Later on there is a challenge to evolutionists, “Evolution is just a theory”, to test the “Theory of Kiwi Motivation” as summarized below:

  • Requirements: A representative sample of Kiwis, 20 – 30 is suggested, a dump truck and a high cliff.
  • Method: Drive the truckload of Kiwis to a high cliff, dump them over the cliff.
  • Observation: Record how many Kiwis flap their “useless” wings and fly to safety.

For the sake of the tiny Kiwi population it’s imperative that we avoid hordes of evolutionists performing this test. Of course as a Pastafarian I believe that they will fly safely to roost in trees, for the first time, but it’s possible that our deity has made a slight mistake with Kiwi aerodynamics. Unlike many creators he does not claim to be infallible.

Therefore for the sake of all living Kiwis I must ask if any experiment like this, or other tests of motivation, have ever been done and if so what were the results?
Publishing these may save the needless motivation, or worse, of hundreds of Kiwis.

Their response should be considered carefully by Pastafarians and misguided Evolutionists alike:

Here is the Linguini theory of creation turned into Raviolli

If creation occurred 5000 years ago, then the ancient seashell fossils in the rocks of Central Otago must have been put there by the evolutionary army. The coal that has been mined on the West Coast for the last 150 years must have been imported from China and buried there and covered with forests to make it look natural.

Coal formation takes millions of years and it is proven to be the fossilized lycopodium forests of the Carboniferous Period which occurred from about 354 to 290 million years ago during the late Paleozoic Era. . Hence our current problem of releasing ‘greenhouse gases’ into the atmosphere as we dig the stuff up and release it into the atmosphere at an alarming rate.

The ebb and flow of glaciation, marine sedimentary deposition and plate tectonics must have looked like a million super-charged bulldozers given the state of New Zealand currently:

  • The size of Mt Cook and the Southern Alps
  • The geological distribution of various rock types hundreds of kilometers apart from the same source
  • The vegetation cover of New Zealand.

We would have truly been the Shaky Isles! The only thing not moving would have been the moon and stars.

Beech forests have been known to cover certain parts of the islands (pollen records)and then after glaciation retreated, slowly advanced over the ground with their short distance seed dispersion mechanism. If your theory is correct, then the forests must have been turbo charged and leaped over a few mountains to attain their current distribution is such a short time-frame. – If they did not get smacked around by earthquakes and disappearing dinosaurs.

Flying kiwi forebears have long ago decided not to waste their energy on flying.

If the life of a human could be used as an analogy for the evolution of kiwi, then your hypothesis of flying kiwi would be like giving up Rugby at 5 and turning out for the All Blacks at 75 with no training in-between. – You might remember the rules of the game but you wouldn’t be any good at it!

Don’t throw kiwi off cliffs, its not the height that is the problem – It’s the sudden stop at the bottom.


To which I responded:

Thanks for your well-reasoned rebuttal. The apparent age, spread and location anomalies can be easily explained by the influence of the FSM’s invisible Noodly Tentacles. As he says: Evolution is “just a theory”, science is “just a collection of theories”

And got a further response:

Scientific theory is based on a series of incidents that meet % of probability that are generally accepted. If science is a ‘just a theory’ then things like computers would be just a theory and we would be still communicating using smoke signals. Flight itself is a theory that was scientifically reasoned and with the use of fossil fuels, (millions of years old in theory) the age of air transport has become the norm.


So I conclude:

  • Don’t try the Flying Spaghetti Monster Kiwi Motivation test.
  • Save the Apteryx, they need all the help they can get.

Comments, Discussion Forum, Chat, E-mail

Published July 13th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

Here’s an update on FSM communications:

Referring to the comments you can leave at the end of posts like this one. These are not moderated or censored in any way. We get thousands of spam comments a day, so there’s always some sort of automated spam filter running to fight that. I’ve been hearing that a lot of comments are being wrongly marked as spam and that some users are being full-out banned. I’ve switched back to the old spam-filter, but this one has it’s flaws, too. A few hundred comments a week are held in a “maybe-spam” folder – and I don’t have the time to check it every day.

Comments are more likely to be held if they contain a lot of links, or if you’re making many comments a day. I know a lot of people here like to use the comment system as a type of discussion forum, and that’s fine, but the spam-filter will target you and there’s not a lot I can do about it. Without an automated-spam-filter, the comment system would be unusable.

Discussion Forums
The discussion forums are moderated by a very hard working group. Anything written in the forums is subject to the moderators discretion, but they are very fair. Anyone who feels targeted by the comment-spam-filter here is welcome to move their conversations over there. The discussion forums are built on a user registration system, so spam is not as much of an issue.

We had a live-chat system up for a couple weeks. It was popular but the server couldn’t handle it. I’d like to have a remote chat system set up. The one I’m looking at is around $50-$100/month. I’m looking for an advertiser to step up and sponsor it.

I get a lot of emails. I read as many as I can. But I’m still way behind. If you *really* need to get a hold of me, put something like **important** in the subject field and I’ll probably find it quicker.


I have knitted and then felted a tribute

Published July 8th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

I have knitted and then felted a tribute to His Noodley Greatness. I wanted to share the flickr photo set of its creation with you.




See the rest here


Is the end near?

Published June 29th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

I did some analysis on global mean temperature vs. the number of pirates and have come to a startling conclusion: Pastafarianism will bring the next ice age!

As demonstrated in the attached graph, by extrapolating the data we find that only 135752 pirates would be required to bring about the next ice age. This number of converts is well within reach! We’re doomed!



Familiar reflection

Published June 28th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

Years ago, I took this photo on my seattle vacation.

I had no idea I would capture more than just a part of the skyline, and I couldn’t even figure out WHAT EXACTLY I photographed.

You’ve opened my eyes – Thank you so much!



That doesn’t look random at all

Published June 27th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

I heard some ID believer say that “the probability that humans have emerged from natural selection is the same as the probability that a monkey composes ‘Hamlet’ by randomly typing on a keyboard”.

Well, I happen to have a monkey (Sheila) that likes to type at random on a keyboard. And today she typed this (see the attached picture).





Worship at work

Published June 27th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

We are pleased that the Flying Spaghetti Monster watches over our website development department at work. Things were dark and desolate before we were touched by his noodly appendage. But now all we sit in full pirate regalia enjoying our cubicles with thoughts of the stripper factory and beer volcano.



In the clouds

Published June 25th, 2007 by Bobby Henderson

I must admit I was a skeptic….


this afternoon when I picked up some photos I had shot of a thunderstorm over Lake Superior two nights ago. This is one of the photos I took of the storm—I did NOT see this image of The Flying Spaghetti Monster until AFTER the film was developed at Wal-Mart! I SWEAR!!!

Praise Be To The AllMeaty!


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An elaborate spoof on Intelligent Design, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is neither too elaborate nor too spoofy to succeed in nailing the fallacies of ID. It's even wackier than Jonathan Swift's suggestion that the Irish eat their children as a way to keep them from being a burden, and it may offend just as many people, but Henderson puts satire to the same serious use that Swift did. Oh, yes, it is very funny. -- Scientific American.


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