PlayBilge Magazine and Centrefolds

[black bart]

Don't go wastin im now...thar be plenty o meat on a Bilge rat that big!

Sounds like you'd better fry up old Tiddles aswell!

[ChowMein]

Yarrr! I be a subscriber awaitin' the issue with Tansy the Terrible foist cover,when it be cumim out?Arrgh!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

It's been a bit quiet at PlayBilge of late, although we have some very VERY excitin' developments coming up soon.

In the mean toime Oi suggest we have another PlayBilge photo contest. O'im still in shock after the 'Send in yer favourite Sea Hag' contest. Oi think that photo of Connie Rice was the winner by the way

PlayBilge in conjunction with the Port O'Spain Hilton would like to start a new contest entitled 'Send in yer favourite 'Pirate IT Girl (or Guy)' contest. The only condition is that she (or he) be 'piratified' in Photoshop (or similar).

By 'IT' Girl Oi don't mean the computer chick at work, Oi mean an IT girl. Think Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan etc.

The winner will receive a beautiful African Grey Parrot and a stay at the Port O'Spain Hilton. Second prize is a night at Madame Fifi's. Third Prize is two nights at Madame Fifi's.

Good luck and send in those photos...YArrrrrrrr...

Ed.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

To get the ball rollin' 'ere be Mischa Baaaaaarton for ye. Argghhh she be a roight lovely girl that one. Oi see a great future for her in a tavern somewhere....YArrrrrrr...

[The Black Spot]

Here be that Simon Cowell in a very piratey pose - ee be 'anging from a yardarm!



Yarrrrrrrrr.......

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRR, that's really cheered me up that one has...

He deserved to swing for it after he slagged off my beautiful rendition of 'Bobby Shafto' in the last series of 'YARRRS in their Eyes'!!!!

Tonight I will be 'Robert Newton'!

[The Black Spot]

Arrr...

this 'ere be a film poster about mankind bein threatened by 'is own creations or some such nonsense.



Yarrrrr...

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

When he saw it coming, did he hop in? Reminds me of that song...'Don't Pay the Ferryman', by Chris de Burgh.

[black bart]

Now if ye've got a picture of Chris de Burgh being strung up from the Yardarm...ye'll really make my day!

[DaveL]

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH Ms (Big) BRENDA McTAVISH - PLAYBILGE ICON

Well lads Oi did promise yer something very exciting. The PlayBilge crew of Black Spot, Black Bart and and meself ‘ave been working very hard to track down the hostess with the mostest for ye’.

So PlayBilge readers. Oi have the distinct pleasure of bringin’ yer an interview with your (and several thousand other Pirates) favourite tavern wench - Big Brenda McTavish. Oi recently caught up with Big Brenda while she be havin’ a breather from other activities takin’ place inside Madame Fifi’s at the Portsmouth dock…

PB: Good Evenin Brenda, welcome to PlayBilge, or should Oi say welcome back.

BB: Come on my lad give us a Big Kiss! (Sound effects of enormous slobbering Kiss) So nice to see you again. Sorry about that little accident with your photographer earlier.

PB That be alright - the doctor assures me they’ll be able to re-inflate his lungs for him. So how have you been? Oi here you were a PlayBilge centrefold a few years ago.

BB: Centre fold, centre fold…That was that picture where you put the staples all up me crack! Thickest issue of Playbilge ever that was. The middle pages opened up and covered 9 square yards.

PB: Congratulations to Brenda on winning the ‘Rear of the Year’ contest.

BB: I was so surprised and I’m very grateful to the Sponsors: Greenpeace.

PB: So tell me about your younger years. And how did you go from Portsmouth to Superstar and back in Portsmouth again.

BB: A tale of two cities sweetie. I spent a couple of years as a bouncy castle in Portsmouth before being discovered by Madame Fifi and invited to Work in her Paris establishment. Things were going really well for a while, but the debauchery business took a bit of a downturn after the French Revolution; so we packed our things and headed for the bright lights of Portsmouth.

PB: So Portsmouth has its advantages for the working girl then?

BB: Oh yes, deary. The aristocrats in Paris paid well enough, but there was always trouble with their mistresses, the gendarme, the churches and the like. But over here, there’s such a concentration of sheer drunken debauchery that no one bats an eyelid at anything.

PB: Is there any rumour that you are attemptin’ to revive your career with a cover album singin’ Sea Shanties?

BB: I think I owe it to my public. Many people have told me that they wondered what my voice was like – mainly because most of my customers can’t hear a thing after I get hold of them.



PB: Does havin an Argghhh 9000 make a Pirate more attractive to you? Or is it the size of his coin purse that matters?

BB: I likes a man with a nice big Galleon! His ship must have good strong flooring as well – I like a man with a thick deck.

PB: So bein such an experienced woman of the world, who would you say are your most favourite Pirates? What attributes do you find attractive in a Pirate?

BB: Pirates…I’ve had em all. I could tell a few tales that would curl the toes of a Buccaneer. What I like about Pirates is the way their peg legs snap when I sit on em! But, seeing as your not payin' me as much as 'Hello' magazine you can bugger off!

PB: Is there any truth to the rumour that you go swimming with large underwater creatures? Can yer say a few phrases in Humpback for us?

BB: OOOOH…You are awful…But I like you…(sound of DaveL crashing to the floor)

PB: Brenda McTavish. Thankyou for speakin to PlayBilge…Oh and say hello to Madame Fifi for me.

BB: Shall I tell her you’ll be round for your usual session on Friday?

PB: Ye…oh um, um…you mean for a game of cards, yeah sure!! Oh well maties, there you ‘ave it. There’s a sayin’ which goes big things come in small packages. But in Brenda’s case extremely large things come in extremely large packages. YArrrrrrr...

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Well that interview appears to have shocked everyone. It's nice to see the big girl is still making waves. It's also nice to see Brenda is still controversial when she's not in the water.

Well keep sendin in your photos of your favourite Pirate IT girl. There's plenty more in the PlayBilge sails, so keep sendin in yer articles maties...

YArrrrr...

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRR - I've got that album cover blown up to an enormous size and I've stuck it on me cabin wall! God she's a beauty...and very talented with it!

[The Black Spot]

Yarr...

I went to Madame Fifi's last night t' get Big Brenda t' sign me copy o' her Sea Shanty record (honest).

I were climbin' the stairs when I hears a muffled shriek. It were then I spied Big Brenda an Jim "Giant Haystacks" Quinn. Brenda explained t' me that Jim had collapsed wi' a fish head stuck in 'is throat, an she were tryin t' dislodge it.



Yarrr...

[DaveL]

YArrrr, that Brenda's a resourceful lassie...

And now for an announcement that will help build the hype...

HE IS COMING...



'Я люблю тварей моря'

Exclusive to PlayBilge (YArrrrr...Oim not talkin' about Simon Lewis the Prawn)

[black bart]

I've never seen that perspective of Big Brenda before...it's a bit like seeing the Empire State Building from the point of view of King Kong after he's fallen off!!!!