EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH Ms (Big) BRENDA McTAVISH - PLAYBILGE ICON
Well lads Oi did promise yer something very exciting. The PlayBilge crew of Black Spot, Black Bart and and meself â€˜ave been working very hard to track down the hostess with the mostest for yeâ€™.
So PlayBilge readers. Oi have the distinct pleasure of bringinâ€™ yer an interview with your (and several thousand other Pirates) favourite tavern wench - Big Brenda McTavish. Oi recently caught up with Big Brenda while she be havinâ€™ a breather from other activities takinâ€™ place inside Madame Fifiâ€™s at the Portsmouth dockâ€¦
PB: Good Evenin Brenda, welcome to PlayBilge, or should Oi say welcome back.
BB: Come on my lad give us a Big Kiss! (Sound effects of enormous slobbering Kiss) So nice to see you again. Sorry about that little accident with your photographer earlier.
PB That be alright - the doctor assures me theyâ€™ll be able to re-inflate his lungs for him. So how have you been? Oi here you were a PlayBilge centrefold a few years ago.
BB: Centre fold, centre foldâ€¦That was that picture where you put the staples all up me crack! Thickest issue of Playbilge ever that was. The middle pages opened up and covered 9 square yards.
PB: Congratulations to Brenda on winning the â€˜Rear of the Yearâ€™ contest.
BB: I was so surprised and Iâ€™m very grateful to the Sponsors: Greenpeace.
PB: So tell me about your younger years. And how did you go from Portsmouth to Superstar and back in Portsmouth again.
BB: A tale of two cities sweetie. I spent a couple of years as a bouncy castle in Portsmouth before being discovered by Madame Fifi and invited to Work in her Paris establishment. Things were going really well for a while, but the debauchery business took a bit of a downturn after the French Revolution; so we packed our things and headed for the bright lights of Portsmouth.
PB: So Portsmouth has its advantages for the working girl then?
BB: Oh yes, deary. The aristocrats in Paris paid well enough, but there was always trouble with their mistresses, the gendarme, the churches and the like. But over here, thereâ€™s such a concentration of sheer drunken debauchery that no one bats an eyelid at anything.
PB: Is there any rumour that you are attemptinâ€™ to revive your career with a cover album singinâ€™ Sea Shanties?
BB: I think I owe it to my public. Many people have told me that they wondered what my voice was like â€“ mainly because most of my customers canâ€™t hear a thing after I get hold of them.
PB: Does havin an Argghhh 9000 make a Pirate more attractive to you? Or is it the size of his coin purse that matters?
BB: I likes a man with a nice big Galleon! His ship must have good strong flooring as well â€“ I like a man with a thick deck.
PB: So bein such an experienced woman of the world, who would you say are your most favourite Pirates? What attributes do you find attractive in a Pirate?
BB: Piratesâ€¦Iâ€™ve had em all. I could tell a few tales that would curl the toes of a Buccaneer. What I like about Pirates is the way their peg legs snap when I sit on em! But, seeing as your not payin' me as much as 'Hello' magazine you can bugger off!
PB: Is there any truth to the rumour that you go swimming with large underwater creatures? Can yer say a few phrases in Humpback for us?
BB: OOOOHâ€¦You are awfulâ€¦But I like youâ€¦(sound of DaveL crashing to the floor)
PB: Brenda McTavish. Thankyou for speakin to PlayBilgeâ€¦Oh and say hello to Madame Fifi for me.
BB: Shall I tell her youâ€™ll be round for your usual session on Friday?
PB: Yeâ€¦oh um, umâ€¦you mean for a game of cards, yeah sure!! Oh well maties, there you â€˜ave it. Thereâ€™s a sayinâ€™ which goes big things come in small packages. But in Brendaâ€™s case extremely large things come in extremely large packages. YArrrrrrr...