Pirate Chef on the High Seas

[ChowMein]

Chapter One:Introduction

Call me Phil, well... nevermind, for none hath since my mother.I hath been addressed as Chowmein since my first posting as cook aboard the "Pile of Junk" .
Enough now of fond memories I must garner my attention for this nights menu.
This day, being a friday, shall of course be a noodle dish, perhaps luinguine with shrimp and scollops in a light cream sauce with crushed garlic and diced onions?
My ruminations are interrupted,"CAPTAIN ON DECK!", Commodore Willard Whistleblower, commander of HMS "Goodness Sake".A stern but fair man of impossing countenance and statue befitting his rank.Charged by the Admiralty to capture any and all pirates, to be brought to trial and executed.
I hath little fear in being unmasked as a pirate and all that. I give away naught in terms of speech and manner to betray myself. A graduate of Cordon Bleu learns to blend in with polite society and I hath performed admirably in this regard.I find nary a fault with the commodore, although rumours paint him to be a tattletale."Quartermaster! Attend to me this instant mister!"
Quartermaster Letem Eatcake responds immediately,as he passes by me, I see the look of distain upon his brow.Perhaps he is still of foul temperment after the Commodore told everyone the meatballs' actual constituents were tofu and portabello mushrooms and set blame upon him, thereby nearly inciting a mutiny. T'wernt my fault, I make do wid what he gives me.

"Captain ! , The crew is revolting " , i exclaimed ".
" Yes , I wish they would bath more often " , replied Whistleblower .

I quickly put an end to the outrage by bringing out dessert before the main course hath yet to be consumed, thus gaining the officers' gratitude. Yet blame was misplaced upon the Quartermaster. For I clearly recall Master of Arms, Sadis T Moran forming all the ground beef and pork for the cannon balls. The alottment used for target practice , depleting the stores.

Between myself and the master of Arms ,the commodore is constanty fustrated in his attempts to leave harbour for lack of provisions and ammunition. Now dear f(r)iends, what manner of events hath brought me,a pirate chef on board a vessel of His Majestys Navy?Of this I shall relate next week in:

CHAPTER TWO: SHANGHAIED IN SHANGHAI!

[Dr. Otis Lansa]

Laddies, 'tis the Navy wot 'as got the tender vittles we seek. Attack at target-practice hours, and 'ave your marinara kettles at ready for catchin' meatballs.

Chowmein, you're aspoilin' the crew by piratical standards. Last blaggert who complained to me as he hadn't tasted a leg of game since he set aboard got 'is game leg served to 'im. The crew don't criticize yer cookin' sos much when ye do the amputatin' on the offtimes.

Of course you Navy blokes 'ave these fancy 'surgeons' instead of an all-purpose Doc. Oi'd gut 'em for caviar....

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER TWO:SHANGAIED IN SHANGHAI

This morn all hands greeted the day with a generous breakfast of penne in a robust pesto sauce with pine nuts. The Commodore expressing a smile of satisfaction after the successful defense of a veritable sneaky attack of pirates led by the dastardly surgeon pirate Dr."Cutem Up" Lanza. I vaguely heard the shouting, "TO ARMS , BEAT THEM BACK FOR GOODNESS SAKE! " Happily I was snoring below decks and therefore avoided any confrontation with fellow pirates. My ruse thus secure.
By all accounts the attack displayed the elements of a genius at. A longboat drew astride starboard as all hands engaged in target practice at portside. Once again the Commodore finds the ship without ordnance and provisions.
"PREPARE FOR THE BOATS FOR DOCK",bellowed Lt. Hien Mytee, the first officer. "You there,Chow!"."Umm my name is Phil sir". Yes,yes of course it is Chow, prepare for shore". At last! the opportunity to find and rejoin my mates of the "Pile of Junk" captained by He Hun Lo.
In my haste I did befoul my feet upon some carelessly belayed rope and cracked my noggin upon the deck, dashing my chances of shore and escape. The careless midshipmen Billy Budlight of Milwauke left in my stead. As the hands carried me to sick bay I did recollect a similiar injury that ultimately led me aboard the"Goodness sake"
On shoreleave after months of carousing, wenching and consuming great quantities of rum at sea, I sought out my favourite peeler bar in my home port of Shanghai for a night of carousing, wenching and comsuming great quantities of rum.
After a night of many weeks I dost found myself prone upon the street with my heads aching, drained of all I had save my wok and a few packs of udon. As I slowly rose I heard a shuffle of feet , some giggles and squealing before blackness darkened the morn.
Upon awakening one headache was gone,all was grey and unfocused.A figure loomed above me, " You arise immediately else I shall give you ssuchh a slap! "I rose slowly to my feet with an effort regaining equilibrium,relieved my trusty wok and packs of udon still on my person. "Ohhh goody,goody,goody we have our new cookie",he exclaimed.
" Everybodieeee!!! Come give our new cookie a great big welcome to the"Raging Queennnnn!". "One at a time now,no pushing or cutting in line". The grey haze in my sight gave way to technicolour, a term to be coined two centuries hence (as shown to me by the FSM,details to addressed in a later chapter). The line of seaman advanced toward me, each bearing what appeared to be neat little gift boxes , handsomely wrapped with colourful bows and ribbons. Oh, thought I, "is it my birthday? How very thoughtful! I think I can cook for these guys. "The meals prepared shall be reveiled for all in:

CHAPTER THREE:THE MERRY SEAMEN OF THE RAGING QUEEN!

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER THREE:THE MERRY SEAMEN OF THE RAGING QUEEN

The crew approached me with their gifts, beaming as they placed the colourful packages in my Wok.

They introduced
themselves;Lance,Brucie(Bruce),Rock(Rocque),Landy(Orlandro),Steffie(Steffano),Fabian,Liberace,Hoary(Horace),Leung Wang,Bertie(Albert),Sam,Art,George,Harold,Fred,Fabio and Pete.
I hath nary afore encountered pirates such as these.Tis unnatural.Their costume of fine clothe neatly pressed and spotless.Their hair combed and fashionably styled.Hands and faces clean!!! and manicured.

Shoes of patent leather polished as the sun shone upon them I was veritably blinded.
Their teeth sparkled."Okie dokie everyone, now you can give him a huggie."
They all rushed at me,"Stop that people,one at a time",it was Lance who spoke,presumably the captain of this sleek vessel.
Each in their turn embraced me.Some kissed my cheeks,some grabbed my cheeks,I found it endearing as I obviously was much admired.

"I so so sorry the girls(HUH?) struck you so roughly but we are so so desparate for a chef."

"Our last cookie was a sushi chef."his voice faltered,"One evening he burned all the tempura",(sob)an... an...and his na..na..knife must have slipped and cut open his stomach"...Poor Harry Karry.The crew openly wept.

Wow,thought I,these guys are gonna treat me like a king!
And so they did,"forgive for saying it but look exshauted and positively filthy",true,the wenches took alot out of me.

"You smell like you havn't taken a bath in days",actually six years, eight months,and that last time because I slipped overboard.

"Girls,bring up the big tub from belooowww".

I protested, I could just walk down and pretend to wash.
They would have none of that and insisted.
I relented.
I supposed because I appeared so tired they had to wait upon me hand and foot.
They gathered round each trying to outdo the other with curtesies rapidly disrobing me, all trying set their hands upon me to set me into the tub.
All the fusing had me jostled about and it was a full ten minutes until i made contact with the water.

"You men must have duties to perform I'll just soak here awhile by myself"

They would not have any of that and went at me with wash cloths, pumice stones and shampoo,massaging my shoulders the entire time.
As they joyfully went to work I set my mind upon a menu.Perhaps spring rolls as an appettizer, beef brisket with udon,chopped green onions and bok choy as the entree and tapioca pudding for dessert?

"Does the ships stores contain any star anise and cloves",I enquired.Bruce,that is,Brucie as he prefers to be addressed let out a whelp.

"I TOLD YOU TO BUY MORE,LANDY !",he shreiked,"next time i'm doing the shopping!"

"OH YOU BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING AND I"M SICK AND TIRED OF IT YOU BITCH!",Landy let out a breath and stormed below deck.

The captain rebuked Bruce,I mean, Brucie,"Why must you be so mean to him,he always tries his best,just look at what you've done".

"Oh he's always forgetting something,he thinks he's so clever and never writes anything down".I don't care if he's all huffy".

"Whoa,whoa, take it easy lads",said I,"I graduated from La Cordon Bleu I'll make due with other spices".Their collective eyes widened,clearly they were empressed.

"No no no,that won't do,not at all.If star anise you want, star anise you get!Hurry girls raise anchorrr,up with the sails."I wondered why the captain called his crew girls,better than some of the things i've been called I reasoned.

Off we set in the quest for spices, our journey to be told in:

CHAPTER FOUR:WHERE THE FSM ARE WE!

[ChowMein]

pirate chef will be back shortly

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER FOUR:WHERE THE FSM ARE WE!

Twas a fortnight until the Queen twas ready to depart.The crew being hesitant to leave without laundering the sails.
An equally onerous task twas the drying, polishing and oiling of the chain and anchor.
I spent my time in the hammock i got for my birthday watching them work,contemplating a menu for the week.
I landed a small shark earlier so it's soup and salad for lunch.fish and chips for dinner with cole slaw.

"Cookieee,"it was Cap Lance,"we can leave now".
"Great,Lets go then".
"Where do we go for the star anise and cloves?"
(DUH)
"Spice islands would be a good bet Cap".
"Oh,...which way do we go?'
(Oh man alive)
"Whose your navagator, Cap?"
"OH...must we kidnap one of those to?"
(What kinda sailors...)
" Just head south Cap ,we're bound to hit 'em"
"Goody,which way's south?"
I shot a glance skyward and then pointed to south,"that way, Cap".

It took two hours of debate for everyone to agree upon duties,not bad for this lot.
It was Pete's turn to steer but Fabio disputed this so they both manned the wheel.
Of course they were at odds so the tack was less an ideal,oh well, at least we're moving.

I spent the next few weeks evening my tan in the hammock.Stef sewed on some lace along the sides, looked okay i guess but hardly necessary.

One afternoon i was awakened from a snooze.
"A SHIP! I SEE A SHIP",shouted Wang from the nest.
" Oh who is it",enquired the Capn.
"I'm not saying,if i get it wrong, everyone laughs at me".

The ship in question soon to be discovered in....

CHAPTER FIVE:LOOK WHO'S COMING TO DINNER!

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER FIVE:LOOK WHO"S COMING TO DINNER!

The ship drew within the range of the handy little spyglass that Art gave me for my birthday.
A black standard indicated that the ship was a pirate vessel.

'It's a pirate ship,Cap."
" O goodie, who is it"
" Not sure yet,i'll need another 45 minutes to nail it"
"Well in that case,do be a dear and prepare scones,it's almost tea time"
"No prob Cap",off i went handing him my new spyglass.

As i brought out the scones to cool i heard the shouts,It's Beebee,it's beebee.
BB?....BLACK BART?!?'
I scurried topside,yup thats Bart's ship alright.
That is,ALL RIGHT!.
Maybe he could spare a keg of rum!Maybe he's got some strippers on board! Maybe with nurses' outfits

The drooling was gonna put a stain on this new silk shirt Fred gave me for my birthday.

The crew were at the rail bouncing about waving kerchiefs and cravats.
I regained my shiny new spyglass to see i could spot any strippers in nursing outfits.
At this time I could see that Bart had his speculum out.
His sails were down to half mast as they got closer.
I watched as he brought his eye to the glass,his jaw dropped.
He leapt up and began shouting and flailing his arms and ran to the helm.
The sails dashed up and his ship veered sharply about .
As it completed a 360,we were at audible range toone another.

"YooHoo, ahoy Bartie",said Cap Lance.
" HEY BART!,hows it hanging said i.

He ignored us,still peeved that i drank the last of his 20yr scotch?
"Bartie what are you doing?,said Cap Lance," we have buttered scones".
At this moment their oars dropped out and began flailing about trying to purchase ocean.
His ship performed a bobble and lurched forward picking up speed.He and his crew looked frantic.

" Oh where in FSM's name is he going', said Lance.
"Maybe an important pillage he forgot",i offered.

Man o' man he was flying,never saw him move like that.i can't believe he always placed last in the pirate regattas.
They must have peaked at thirty knots and still going strong.
Cap and crew of the Queen wern't about to give up though and gave it their college try.
At dusk they were a dot on the horizon.At dawn my glass could not spot them.
The Queen's boys let out a collective sigh and slumped to the deck,forlorn and dejected,some in tears.Poor guys, they never worked so hard.

"Oh why don't we ever get repeat visitors".
"Well,ah, you know they must be real late for pillaging and wenching".

I tried best as i could to cheer em up,"C'mon boys, it's not the end of the world,i've got quiche below,how about some crepes?anyone for pina coladas?

I went to the galley and set to work,"Soups On",no response,they hadn't moved.
"C'mon guys, there's lots of ships around the Spice Islands ,maybe some frigates and man o wars of the RN as well."
"Gotta be a party we can crash".
"Hey, there's a big whacka beef below,it's about to turn,what say we grind it up, make some ammo,i'll add extra eggs to make em good and rubbery.
(some interest,it's working)
"We can make up a sauce for the marinara connon,i'll add some scotch bonnet i'd been holding back,how about it, eh?
(that did the trick)

And so Cap and crew had brightened up.

Chasing Bart around left us who knows where.I had to wait till the stars came out and turned us westward.We couldn't miss New Zealand or Australia if we tried.

And so with that i returned to my hammock as the crew began dusting and polishing.20 days later New zealand come to view.We would make shore for fresh water,fruit and veggies.I camped out on shore and snoozed on the beach, when i awoke i found myself amonst the Marori in...

CHAPTER SIX:COOKING THE COOK!

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER SIX:COOKING THE COOK!

I found myself in a cauldron amidst a fierce looking buncha guys.
Only one was smiling,after a blink or three I made him out.
" Hey Carl! whazzup!
It was my bunky, Carl from Le Cordon Bleu!
"Hey Chow been a stretch,ya look good bud,gonna taste good to!"
Ah good ole Carl,always hadda sharp wit.Thought i'd bust a gut at that crack.
" So this is your crew eh?"
"Yep"
"So whats the menu?"
"The boys want plain ole boiled meat ,no imagination these guys"
"Yeah,I hear ya,waste of your talent bro."
"When i heard about them catching Chinese food,i'd hadn't figured on cooking you".
"I'm real sorry 'bout all this Chow,but you're going be great... chow HA!"

We both doubled over in laughter,i added extra seasoning to the broth.
"Well... Carl you know..i'm just talking,so no offense an' all,but i think you oughta put me on a shelf for a few days.Keep me on a water and veggie
diet.That way a liver pate would be best made.Maybe do a roast so to keep for a few meals and sandwhiches later.simmer the bones for stock,just a suggestion."

" Chow you were the best for economy,i ever tell ya that?"
The warmth of the water hid the fact that i was blushing.

"I thought you posted on the Pile of JunK with He Hun Lo,Hui Flun Deung,and Sum Yeung Gai"
"Yeah,but i got shanghaied in Shanghai"
"What you been doing besides slaving over a stove and pirating?"
"I haven't done much pirating the past few months,just cooking".
" Been into FSM a bit".
"Zat right,never heard of it,hows it smoke?"
I explained to him that FSM wasn't an herb or cut of meat.They were clearly facinated and with some difficulty pulled me out of the pot,it was just getting to a nice temperature i complained.
Carl insisted on my meatball recipe so off we headed to the longboat so as to pillage the ships stores.The boys are going be happy with some guests,tonight's bridge night.
Upon reaching the beach, we were shocked to discover the boat gone and the Raging Queen naught to be seen.My heart sank,best post i ever had and what about all my birthday presents?My Wok!!

"Fire!"A volley of fried potato pieces peppered us.Carl and my new friends scattered,they were a tough bunch ,of that i'm sure ,but the salt and vinegar stung something fierce.I was making good distance until i tripped up on some kelp and kissed a stump,all went black.

As my eyes fluttered open i beheld a young blue eyed blonde lad."Sir?,Are you alright sir?nasty bump on you head sir.May i fetch you anything sir?"
" Huh?,what?,oh no i,i seem to be okay,thanks mate."
" May i introduce myself sir?,i'm called Billy Budlight,late of Milwauke sir.
"Never hearda the place kid".
"Oh,that's alright sir,it hadn't been discovered yet sir".

Odd kid,polite though,fit in with the Raging Queen just fine."Where are we bouy?""On board the schooner,Luv of Mike,sir!Cap Mike 's at the helm,sir.
"What's the heading?
"Due North towards the Spice Islands sir".I hope the Queen makes it there ,they are low on everything.
The captain entered the berth."Good morn to you sir,fortunate for you we stopped for water when we did,those natives would have cooked you"
Oh," my thanks to you captain,most fortunate indeed".
" We had deduced from your fine clothe and shoes, you to be a gentleman of good standing, from your speech it is thus concluded."
Uh oh,better watch myself now."allow me to introduce myself my good captain (this outta hook him),i am called Chow, late of Le Cordon Bleu."
He betrayed his delight with his brow."Indeed sir,we are honoured!"
"When you are mended and refreshed would you care to tour our humble ship and galley?.
" The honour shall be mine ,my good captain".
"Very good indeed sir,we shall do our best to be patient sir"
"I shall endeavor to make a hasty recovery my good captain!"
" Untill then, my good sir,i beg your leave".
"I am honoured,my good captain,your grace speaks highly of you sir!"

He went topside,whew!,couldn't handle much more of all that sir stuff,not the pirate way.

"So Budlight, me bouyo,what's your story so far?"
"Not much to tell sir,me mum,FSM bless her,riased me singlehand she did, till last year.She tole me, she did,'Billy you are 15 yrs now and shold seek ye fortune eslewhere since Milwaulke does not exist yet.'"
"She said,'travel to New Amsterdam, soon to be New York ,find a good post and create a new type of beer'".
"All i could find, sir, was a naval posting,we will sail to Hong Kong after the Spice Islands sir.I am to be midshipman abord For Goodness sake,sir.

For Goodness Sake! Has a ring to it.
"We are to be hunting pirates,catching them alives so they can be executed sir".Makes sense i guess.Best i watch my manners.

And so i found myself on yet another ship headed to the spice islands.It was a boring trip and all i cooked were steak and kidney pies,fish and chips and plum pudding.We beheld the fabled spice islands in good time though ,for the Luv of Mike it was a fast vessel.

To my delight i would be kidnapped once again when in....

CHAPTER SEVEN:ARE THOSE KERCHEIFS AWAVING?!?

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER SEVEN: ARE THOSE KERCHEIFS AWAVING?!?

Two days were spent gathering spices for trade,the captain found me indespensible in selection of same,thus proving my worth.The shore leave prooved a FSMsend for Billy Budlight finds it neccessary to regal me with endless chatter.
"We shall make haste for Hong Kong master chef,I regret a visit to a peeler bar would be unwise for pirates frequent this waters".
(EXPLETIVE!)
"What is a peeler bar my good chef"?
"Uh...a...proprietery shop sir...selling... culinary wares...for the uh purpose of separating skins from root vegetables"!
"I'm certain Hong Kong shall will be able to assist you".
"I find your certainty agreeable sir captain"

And so we weaved our way through the islands enduring the sweltering heat of the equator.
On the approach to Borneo a shout issued from the nest,"PIRATE SHIP TO PORT"!
The Captain brought his glass to bear,"Tis indeed the standard of the black fish"!The crew appear to be waving hankercheifs,what absurd ploy be this"?
Kercheifs?The Queen!,Wadda ya know.
"They are no match for Luv!,rest assuredly".
If she be the Queen ,she's no match for anything.

We continued on our way,the Queen in dogged pursuit.
By morning the Queen was no longer in site.
In losing a source of entertainment i took to fishing and comtemplation.
It was at this time i did begin this journal,i would soon discover the inconsistancies of style that i shall not pay further heed to.
Examples being the use of 21st century slang and places yet to be discovered as well as dishes unheard of at this juncture in time.And why all the switching from hath/had, the/ thee and the like?What of the typos?

In my defence,i shall reply that i am just the dream not the dreamer,if you wish to hurl criticism,direct it at:************ in ********.

I shall conclude this days entry,it being boring on my account, perhaps ye shall seek me again when i shall say....

CHAPTER EIGHT: ARR! MY HEAD!

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER EIGHT:ARR! MY HEAD!

arr... my head...

...can't be...

Back on the Raging Queen !My hammock!My wok!Stuff in wok! My birthday! Again?!, I"m three!
How dids't they manage?"Why did you guys knock me out "?"Sorry mate,habit"." Meet Lee,he joined up when we went looking for you".Said the captain,"he had lunch with us".
I'm tired of the same thing everyday,breakfast,brunch,lunch,dinner,snack,supper,midnight munches, always boiled in a cauldron.

Well i suppose you guys have stories to tell?
"Do we ever!I'M First"!, said Lance.

CHAPTER NINE:LANCE"S STORY

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER NINE:LANCE'S STORY

"Why must you always be first",moaned Fabio.
" Because i'm the captain,thats why"!

Lancelot La Fleur,after graduating from Oxford with a degree in botony, majoring in flower arrangement, received the Queen from his father.
It seems that dad had hoped being a pirate would make his boy more manly.

"Oh Cookie! We had succch a time loading water, the jungle is sooo dreadful!
"So dirty and humid(he looked skyward and fanned himself), but we picked so many lovely flowers".

I took a moment to admire the garlands and bouquets adorning the ship and crew.
"Looks good cap"!
I also took a closer look at Lee, I do believe he had me over for lunch a few months ago.
When the crew were engaged picking flowers (water becoming secondary), they decided to have a luncheon .
The aromas enticed Lee and company to investigate whereby they were swarmed by the merry seamen and treated to sandwiches cut up into small triangles, quiche, cakes, pies and all the cocktails they could handle.
From that moment Lee realized the thought of boiled sapiens sapiens made him feel sick and resolved to be a merry seaman of the Raging Queen.

"Okie dokie",said Lance,"I'm done, someone esle's turn now"
We shall learn more of the meery seamen next ...

CHAPTER TEN:FRAT BROTHERS

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER TEN:FRAT BROTHERS

It came to my attention the Cap and crew of the Queen did not form as most pirate crews would form.
The time honoured means being of course kidnapped while drunk,hung over,sleeping or conscious and sober.
No sirs and madams, these guys with the exception of Lee,are frat brothers.
Lance as aforementioned, majored in flower arrangement.
Fred studied talioring;Fabio has a degree in hair dressing;Stef has a masters in sewing;Rock a Phd in mineralogy, specializing in pebble arrangements;Liberace a masters in music history;Hoary a degree in hair removal;Leung Wang a Doctorate in penis disfunction;Sam is an interior designer;Orlandro studied opera;Bert is an accomplished pastry chef;Art a degree in fine art;George a master in jewelry design:Harold a masters in womens underwear design and lastly Pete a degree in modern dance.
Of course Lee is a master of sapien sapiens dismemberment and consumption as well as an excellent manicurist.

After a fine lunch of springs rolls,egg rolls,cabbage rolls and swiss roll for desert, I felt a longing for pillaging, wenching and consuming copious qauntites of rum.
Lee suggested trying to invent a Cola drink.
We whiled away the rest of the day trying to imagine what it should taste like.
The next afternoon when all the dusting was completed we set sail for beer and strippers,(I wonder where that hunny bunny Tansy's working these days).What we found in its stead were...

CHAPTER ELEVEN: SHIPS TO PILLAGE!

[black bart]

Chapter Eleven

Zut alors 'Exclaimed le Bart Noir', Pirate Chef extraordinaire, 'Qui est reponsable for zis beautiful Fish Head Stew'?...Oh wait un minuit my little pirate friends...cet moi. je suis un genius, non'...

Luckily the dagger missed Bart Noir's head and buried itself in the Main mast...

[ChowMein]

SHIPS TO PILLAGE!

With great anticipation we set sail northwards with the thought of ripe ships with ripe strippers on my mind.A shame Ole Bart didn't hang around for the fun.
It was only moments wilst in my comtemplations did the call ring out,"ship to port"!
A mad scramble for the spyglass erupted,after a full ten minutes of handslapping and glaring did Pete emerge victorious and identified the potential prize.
"Oh stop being a tease and tell us who she is", exclaimed an impatient Cap Lance.
"Oh please don't rush me!You're doing that so i'll make a mistake and then you'll all laugh at me,you do this all the time!"
"Oh give me the glass then!"
"No i will not!Be nice."
The crew grumbled and whispered amonst themselves trying unnerve Pete,although he was turning a livid red he held ground until finally,"IT"S THE NAUGHTY NAVEL!!

"OMIGOD! OMIGOD!", squealed Lance ,IT"S BERTHA!!
I didn't know Lance had a sister.
The Naughty Navel drew alongside,much commotion and cheers of greeting slowed the grappling process.
I was beside myself,the Naughty Navel was manned completely by women!

My mind sprang up to action,however i did think with the head upon my shoulders...

CHAPTER TWELVE:UMM,... ANY STRIPPERS ABOARD??

[black bart]

Qu'est ce que c'est mon amies?

Ze ladies all died from ze food poisoning...

I blame zat Alice Cooper!

Quel dommage mes petits pirate amies...ah weel as they say in ma native France...No woman no pleur!

Now...Ver is zat cabin boy?