Humor in the written word ..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Mon Sep 16, 2013 10:32 pm

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's turned invisible.

Rather than reveling in his ability to sneak into women's locker rooms undetected, he's frightened and calls his doctor's office to make an appointment.

"Please, I need to make an appointment with the doctor! I've turned invisible!" he says.

"I'm sorry," replies the receptionist, "I'm afraid the doctor can't see you right now."
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Mon Sep 16, 2013 10:38 pm

^ At least he won't have to worry about whether insurance will 'cover' him...


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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Tue Sep 17, 2013 4:43 am

Insurance can be so complicated though. There's no transparency.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:23 am

Top Star Wars Lines That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t

Not mine (actually I have added a few myself), but still makes me laugh

"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

"You've got something jammed in here real good."

"Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"

"I can't, it's too big"

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"Ouch! Pay attention to what you're doing!"

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Would it helped if I got out and pushed?
It might."

"This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart."

"Hurry up, golden-rod..."

"I don't like this.
Well, what would you like?"

"You didn't see us alone in the south passage."

"The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port."

"The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction"

"Hey, point that thing someplace else."

"you don't have to do this to impress me"

"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

"I never knew I had it in me."

"Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

"Just a few more seconds, just a few more seconds....
It's away!
It's a hit! -Negative. Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface."

"Stabilize your rear deflectors"
"She's gonna blow!"

"I think you'll fit in nicely."

"Control, control! You must learn control!"

"I hope you know what you're doing. Yeah, me too."

"Rise, my friend."

"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

“Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!”

“ You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!”

“And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”

“It’s possible he came in through the south entrance.”

“I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”

“That's OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.”

“There's an awful lot of moisture in here.”

"There is good in him, I've felt it."

"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."

"Back door, huh? Good idea!"

"Hand me those binders there, would you? Ok, now... I'm going to put these on you..." ARGH"
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial on Thu Sep 19, 2013 1:21 am

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender comes over and asks, "what'll you have?"

The polar bear says, "I'll have ................................. a beer."

The bartender asks, "what's with the big pause?"

The polar bear says, "I dunno, I was born with them."
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby TwistedSister on Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:08 am

:facepalm:
* If evolution is just a theory, religion is just an opinion.
* You never know when I'll be watching.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:29 pm

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe. They drink at a furious pace until the giraffe can't stand up any more. The man puts his coat on and gets ready to leave. "Hey!" says the barman, "You can't leave that lying there!" The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and goes out of the door.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Thu Oct 03, 2013 11:05 am

:facepalm:
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Mon Oct 07, 2013 4:42 pm

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything”.
.
.
.
Image







The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

“Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk.

The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
.
.
.
Image
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

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The poster takes no responsibility for any offense taken where none was meant.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:10 pm

Gender jokes

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:40 pm

At the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that’s under the good coverage of Obamacare — where you’re actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.- Jay Leno
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial on Wed Oct 30, 2013 1:48 am

An elderly Asian woman was living in America, subsidized in large part by the largesse of her son, who toiled incessantly in the old country. Faithfully, every week he would send her a package containing money he had earned, in the form of cash, which she would then exchange for dollars at the local bank. One day, upon making the exchange, she noticed that she received significantly less in the exchange than she had been receiving. When, somewhat agitated, and in heavily accented English, she asked the teller for an explanation, he responded with a shrug, "Fluctuations."

Angrily, she replied, "Well floc you clazy Amelicans, too!"
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:43 pm

I was looking through my file of humor stuphph of the past and ran across this, one of my many favorites. Hope it gives you laugh... ;-)

The Right Reverend Doctor Billy Sol Hargus of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship said: At the end of my days I would like to have screwed myself into a coma and go to meet my maker with a big ‘ol shit eatin’ grin on my face. ~ Don Imus … (Paraphrased)
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Thu Feb 13, 2014 2:15 am

Charmin Toilet Paper Commercial Review:

By Joe E of “Little Joey’s One Man Heavy Metal Marching Band” fame...

Who would have ever thought that red and blue bears could be so picky about what kind of T-Paper they use? And, I mean, who would have imagined they would inspect each others butts for excessive left-over TP lint. LOL!!!

Did you ever wonder where ad agencies go to find enough red and blue bears (don't forget the stunt doubles and stand-ins) with butt fetishes to do a commercial like that?

I just can’t help but wonder if red bears are all actually always red or are they like brown bears that can sometimes black, thus [sometimes] being blue instead of red? .. And the same for the blue bears; can they also be red?

I have oftentimes wondered about things like this, have you??? They help keep me busy on those days that I find myself with way too much time on my hands.

In glowing splendor,

Joe E :lol:
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sun Feb 23, 2014 1:45 am

I got these from a dear friend in Canada... We trade funny from time to time and this is her most recent contribution.

"Figure one good turn deserves another, Joe .. these aren't as good as yours but you are the master.. I'm just a lowly apprentice"
---------------
Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" , the Customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" , the Customs officer sneered.

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look.

Then he quietly explained...
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach, at 4:40am, on D-Day in 1944, to help liberate your country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.."

You could have heard a pin drop.
----------------------------------------

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?
----------------------

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

-------------------------------


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the Tobacco company.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot
at 35,000 feet, and the passengers Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to Understand the world
As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BOTTOM is parked in front of this computer….
I want all of you to ...

Blame Bill Gates.
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