I got these from a dear friend in Canada... We trade funny from time to time and this is her most recent contribution.
"Figure one good turn deserves another, Joe .. these aren't as good as yours but you are the master.. I'm just a lowly apprentice"
Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" , the Customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" , the Customs officer sneered.
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look.
Then he quietly explained...
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach, at 4:40am, on D-Day in 1944, to help liberate your country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.."
You could have heard a pin drop.
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
Is this a great country or what?
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot
at 35,000 feet, and the passengers Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to Understand the world
As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BOTTOM is parked in front of this computer….
I want all of you to ...
Blame Bill Gates.