Humor in the written word ..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:23 pm

Six employees at L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai hospital have been fired for snooping through Kim Kardashian’s medical records. Kim was upset. She said it was an invasion of her privacy, and all three of her cameramen agreed. – Jimmy Fallon
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial on Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:15 am

A police officer pulls over Heisenberg's car, and asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg angrily replies, "No, but now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
-- Dr. Joy

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Sun Jul 21, 2013 12:35 pm

ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:A police officer pulls over Heisenberg's car, and asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg angrily replies, "No, but now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"


:lol: :lol: :lol:
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

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The poster takes no responsibility for any offense taken where none was meant.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Mon Jul 29, 2013 4:35 pm

OLDIE BUT GOODIE...

A man in rural Minnesota wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof so he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Mon Jul 29, 2013 4:36 pm

Another oldie...

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

“'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be m ore to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said myNono'sdead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed Jul 31, 2013 7:23 pm

An Italian Honeymoon !!!

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in
Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. ...

She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga 'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed Jul 31, 2013 7:26 pm

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends, etc.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:55 am

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sun Aug 04, 2013 4:51 pm

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial:
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Mon Aug 05, 2013 3:21 pm

A seven year old boy has created legal history today in an Edinburgh courtroom after a judge allowed him to choose who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the courtroom by explaining that the aunt beat him more than his parents and that he refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of his family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Hibernian Football club, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Thu Aug 15, 2013 2:07 am

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: >
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:27 am

^
^^ :lol:

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Fri Aug 23, 2013 5:35 pm

I heard that Cadbury are thinking about bringing out an Oriental Chocolate bar...

But it's probably just a Chinese Wisper.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:28 am

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII on Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:40 pm

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog,

'Wow that's amazing..

You must be a lucky frog, eh?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'

The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one...

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Las Vegas ..'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks,

'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,

He deserves it...

'With a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl,

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré
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