Humor in the written word ..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH on Sat May 25, 2013 11:45 am

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
As appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the scotsman a new BMW, some diamonds and $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.
A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye , laddie, but noo I hae Scots blood in ma veins!"
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby daftbeaker on Sun May 26, 2013 12:23 pm

Rainswept wrote:
daftbeaker wrote:Schwarzenegger looks at them and says 'I'll be Bach'.


You're not allowed to post on this thread anymore.

After years of Bart's puns I'm not allowed one terrible joke? :idiot:
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything - Friedrich Nietzsche

But why is the rum gone?!
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Sun May 26, 2013 5:40 pm

daftbeaker wrote:
Rainswept wrote:
daftbeaker wrote:Schwarzenegger looks at them and says 'I'll be Bach'.


You're not allowed to post on this thread anymore.

After years of Bart's puns I'm not allowed one terrible joke? :idiot:

No, absolutely not -- what are you thinking?
Bart has set the bar high and one measly joke isn't going to be enough. Get posting,
:haha:
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Mon May 27, 2013 7:27 am

Setting the bar high? Yet another way of getting out of paying me bar tab.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?



Just Juan.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Mon May 27, 2013 7:35 am

Hi Bart!

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Mon May 27, 2013 9:20 pm

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Tue May 28, 2013 9:31 am

^ I get that one because I like Alison Krauss and Union Station.

A piece of black Tarmac goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Two minutes later a piece of orange Tarmac comes in and the black Tarmac screams and hides behind the bar.

The landlord asks the piece of black Tarmac what the hell is wrong.

The black Tarmac says: "don't serve him whatever you do, he's a cyclepath!"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Tue May 28, 2013 4:20 pm

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"It's all right, son. I'll sit in the dark."

How many depressed goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the lightbulb, and the other one to kick the chair away.

How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the lightbulb, and the other one to drive him home to Swindon after he's finished.

How many Ulster Unionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
"WE WULL NIVVUR! NIVVUR! CHAYUNGE THE LIGHTBULB! THE LIGHTBULB IS THE SAYAM LIGHTBULB AS OOR FATHERS HAD AND THEYUR FATHERS BEFOWUR THEYAM, AND WE WILL NIVVUR! NIVVUR! CHAYUNGE THE LIGHTBULB!"
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"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Tue May 28, 2013 9:20 pm

How many televangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. but for the message of light to continue, send us your love offering of $5, $10, $25, $100, even $1,000 today.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII on Wed May 29, 2013 2:11 am

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, we've got machines to do that now too.
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Wed May 29, 2013 4:32 am

PKMKII wrote:How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, we've got machines to do that now too.
What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

You only have to punch the music into the drum machine once.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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If it's not Scottish, it's crap.
 
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed May 29, 2013 7:19 pm

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV(aids). We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri May 31, 2013 1:39 pm

Cowboy: "Gimme 3 packets a condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

Ahoy, me Hearties!
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH on Tue Jun 04, 2013 5:55 am

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

The Jewish Synagogue came up with the best and most effective solution: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:50 pm

A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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