Humor in the written word ..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Thu May 02, 2013 10:25 pm

Two hunters are in the woods when one abruptly stops and exclains, "Them is deer tracks!"

The second hunter objects, "Nah, them is elk tracks."

The first hunter looks more closely and insists, "No, them is deer tracks."

Just then, the train hits them.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sat May 04, 2013 1:23 am

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sat May 04, 2013 3:20 pm

Well, this is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Hanna, and there was
concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the
crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's
relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, and only 2% were killed by a car.

The Province then engaged anOrnithological Behaviorist to determine the
disproportionate percentages fortruck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows
eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of
impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow would say: "Cah",but he could not say "Twuck."
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Sat May 04, 2013 4:16 pm

Two hunters are in the woods when they see a fetching blonde leaning, au naturel, against a tree.

One asks her, "Are you game?"

"Why yes," she purrs.

So they shot her.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH on Sun May 05, 2013 2:39 pm

A little girl is in the bath with her little boy cousin.
"What's that?", she asks.
"That's my willee!"
"Oh, yes, my Daddy's got two of those."
"Your Daddy's got two willees?
"Yes - he's got a little floppy one like yours for doing wee-wee, and a great big long stiff one for cleaning the au-pair's teeth."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart on Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 am

and now a little joke for our Euro buddies:

An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH on Thu May 09, 2013 9:40 am

But one of the German cats was drei and thus beat the lot. :fsm_rock:
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Thu May 09, 2013 5:02 pm

Snow White and the seven dwarves were all in bed, and they were all feeling happy. Happy got out of bed, so they all felt grumpy instead.

-------------------------------

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri May 10, 2013 5:40 pm

A wife comes home from a doctors appointment and told her husband that her gynecologist said she can't have sex for two weeks; and to that the husband asks: what did your dentist say??? :lol:
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri May 17, 2013 3:46 pm

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week!

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. .
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Roy Hunter on Fri May 17, 2013 5:11 pm

AFTERGLOW wrote:A wife comes home from a doctors appointment and told her husband that her gynecologist said she can't have sex for two weeks; and to that the husband asks: what did your dentist say??? :lol:
Wife comes home from the doctor's and is very flustered, very uptight. Husband asks "What's wrong?"
Wife says "I went to the doctor. He examined me and he said I had a nice va-jay-jay!"
"WHAT?" says the husband, and charges off to the doctor's. He bursts into the doctor's office, grabs him by the throat and forces him up against the wall. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE?" he shouts.
"I gave her a diagnosis. I know she's not happy about it, but it's an accurate diagnosis. What's the problem?"
"YOU SAID SHE HAD A NICE VA-JAY-JAY!"
"No, I said she had Acute Angina".
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH on Sat May 18, 2013 6:43 am

Einstein, Newton and Pascal were hanging out together one afternoon. Einstein was bored so he suggested that they play hide and seek. The others agree so he says, "I'll be it," closes his eyes and starts counting to 100.
Pascal runs off to find a place to hide.
Newton walks calmly to the middle of the room, takes a tape measure and a piece of chalk from his pocket and draws a carefully measured square on the floor. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein reaches 100 and shouts, "Ready or not, here I come!"
Einstein opens his eyes and immediately sees Newton. "Found you, Newton!" he shouts.
Newton replies, "No. You've found one newton per square meter - you have found Pascal."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby daftbeaker on Sun May 19, 2013 5:29 am

DavidH wrote:Einstein, Newton and Pascal were hanging out together one afternoon. Einstein was bored so he suggested that they play hide and seek. The others agree so he says, "I'll be it," closes his eyes and starts counting to 100.
Pascal runs off to find a place to hide.
Newton walks calmly to the middle of the room, takes a tape measure and a piece of chalk from his pocket and draws a carefully measured square on the floor. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein reaches 100 and shouts, "Ready or not, here I come!"
Einstein opens his eyes and immediately sees Newton. "Found you, Newton!" he shouts.
Newton replies, "No. You've found one newton per square meter - you have found Pascal."

:haha:

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone are discussing making a film about composers. Van Damme wants to be Handel and Stallone chooses Mozart. Schwarzenegger looks at them and says 'I'll be Bach'.
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything - Friedrich Nietzsche

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sun May 19, 2013 8:31 pm

Sailor says to the Chief "I found this pen, is it yours?"

The Chief replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"

The sailor asks "How do you know?"

The Chief replies, "That's my handwriting"
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rainswept on Sat May 25, 2013 10:28 am

daftbeaker wrote:Schwarzenegger looks at them and says 'I'll be Bach'.


You're not allowed to post on this thread anymore.
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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