Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

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Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Thu Apr 25, 2013 5:23 pm

As a companion text to the Loose cannon and of course, the holiest of holies, We are humbly assembling a handbook for ordained Monisters who seek inspiration when officiating various duties that the irreverent are called upon to perform.

In this thread, we'll be taking submissions for weddings. We want the long an short of it. From the cartoonishly short to the mind numbingly long. From the scurviest, surliest drunken revelry, to the humblest humanistic bond.

So let's hear it. Let's all inspire new Monisters and either build, or burn, some bridges with other religions. :haha:
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Roy Hunter on Thu Apr 25, 2013 6:05 pm

OK then, here is my wedding ceremony. It's anonymised, to take my wife and son's names out of it, but we wrote it and we used it to get married:
Rev. Lovejoy:
Good afternoon everyone and welcome. My name is Reverend Lovejoy and I am a celebrant of the Humanist Society of Scotland. I was delighted when Marge and Homer asked me to join them together in marriage, and I would like to thank you on their behalf for joining us here today for this celebration. Although the distance you have travelled may not be great, it is still heart warming to see you all gathered here for such a joyous occasion.

Neither Marge nor Homer is religious, so they would have been uncomfortable getting married in a religious ceremony. Humanism is not a religion, but rather a philosophy of life inspired by humanity and guided by reason and Humanists believe that people should show respect to others irrespective of class, creed or race. These values and attitudes are important to Marge and Homer: they believe that everyone has something to offer which will make the world a better place, and I am sure that you all share their hopes for a more peaceful, tolerant world.

Marge and Homer have been together for quite a while now. They met on a Christmas night out at a ceilidh, where Homer told some truly awful jokes (even by his standards), and Marge spilt Guinness all over her white top. I am sure that both families and sets of friends recognise this as characteristic behaviour. They share many common interests: Indian food; fine wine; and shouting at the politicians on Newsnight once they’re full of Indian food and fine wine.

When Homer proposed to Marge, it was about three in the morning, they had just come back from a friend’s wedding where the bar had been open late. As a memorable romantic experience it was, of course, absolute rubbish. Marge ignored it for a week, but apparently Homer did mean it after all.

Marge and Homer have both supported each other through University as mature students, both shared in the parenting duties for Bart, watching him grow through primary school and into high school, and getting to know him as the distinctive individual he is growing into. The late Princess of Wales famously said that there were three people in her marriage. In this marriage there are also three people, since today is as much about securing the future for Bart as it is for Marge and Homer. Bart is very much a central part of Marge and Homer’s lives, as important to both of them as they are to each other.

The location of this wedding is also important to Marge and Homer. Originally Marge wanted to get married on a hillside in Spain, surrounded by vineyards and flamenco guitarists. Homer wanted to get married in Las Vegas. By Elvis. They compromised, as all good marriages should, on Loch Lomond. In choosing a venue, they had to discard many around the lochside: too big; too small; too expensive; too far away, but eventually they decided that they would get married actually in the loch, which is why we have come to Inchmurrin today.

The loch has featured strongly in both Marge’s and Homer’s lives: Marge grew up in this area, and spent much of her childhood riding around the loch on her bicycle, and climbing the trees that surround it. Homer used to get away from Glasgow by riding here on his motorbike and climbing the hills that surround the loch. Loch Lomond is well represented in song and verse, and the enthusiasm that Marge and Homer feel for the natural beauty of the loch and its surroundings is reflected in many of these works. I would like to introduce Moe Syzlack, who will read “Inversnaid” by Gerard Manley Hopkins:

Moe:
This darksome burn, horseback brown,
His rollrock highroad roaring down,
In coop and in comb the fleece of his foam
Flutes and low to the lake falls home.

A windpuff-bonnet of fáwn-fróth
Turns and twindles over the broth
Of a pool so pitchblack, féll-frówning,
It rounds and rounds Despair to drowning.

Degged with dew, dappled with dew
Are the groins of the braes that the brook treads through,
Wiry heathpacks, flitches of fern,
And the beadbonny ash that sits over the burn.

What would the world be, once bereft
Of wet and of wildness? Let them be left,
O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Thank you, Moe. A good question to ask yourself at a time like this is: what is a marriage? What will it mean to Marge and Homer to be married?

Marge and Homer recognise that marriage is a cooperative venture. It is a relationship based on love, respect, and a determination on the part of both husband and wife to adjust to each other’s temperaments and moods, whether in health or sickness; joy or sadness; ease or hardship. Together they will find honesty and understanding, and as individuals they will use those virtues to encourage and support each other in their marriage, acknowledging that love helps us to grow, and that our partners can bring out the best in each of us.

When two people come together and share their lives, they unite; but they keep their separate identities. They know each other; but neither seeks to enter into to the entirety of the other. They seek to please each other; but they retain their distinct personalities. They grow in their respective ways and come together in mutual understanding; though each does not necessarily follow all the demands of the other.

In recognition of the meaning of marriage which they espouse, I would ask you now to bear witness to the vows that Marge and Homer make here today.

Bride and Groom hold hands

Rev. Lovejoy: Marge and Homer, will you promise to always respect and support each other in your journey together through life?

Marge and Homer: We will.

Rev. Lovejoy: Will you promise to live together as equal yet different individuals, and to recognise and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses?

Marge and Homer: We will.

Rev. Lovejoy: Will you promise to love each other through good times and bad; joy and sorrow; sickness and health; in the knowledge that your love can endure these trials?

Marge and Homer: We will.

Rev. Lovejoy: Do you, Homer, take Marge to be your wife, to love and care for her and bring her happiness and laughter throughout your lives, whatever the future may hold, sharing your wholeness, your brokenness, your success and your failures?

Homer: I do

Rev. Lovejoy: Do you Marge take Homer to be your husband, to love and care for him and bring him happiness and laughter throughout your lives, whatever the future may hold, sharing your wholeness, your brokenness, your success and your failures?

Marge: I do

Bart and Moe give rings to Marge and Homer

Rev. Lovejoy: As a symbol to represent the commitment that Marge and Homer have made here today, they will now exchange rings.

Homer, would you please repeat after me: I give you this ring as a token of my love, and I ask you to wear it as a symbol of our commitment to each other.

Homer: I give you this ring as a token of my love, and I ask you to wear it as a symbol of our commitment to each other.

Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, would you please repeat after me: I give you this ring as a token of my love, and I ask you to wear it as a symbol of our commitment to each other.

Marge: I give you this ring as a token of my love, and I ask you to wear it as a symbol of our commitment to each other.

Rev. Lovejoy: We will now have some music from Patty and Selma while the Marriage register is being signed.

Signing of the marriage register (Music: ‘Playground Song’, Patty; ‘Crush’, Selma).

Rev. Lovejoy: Thank you, Patty and Selma. I would now like to introduce Bart, who will read ‘To a Kiss’ by Robert Burns.

Bart:
Humid seal of soft affections,
Tend'rest pledge of future bliss,
Dearest tie of young connections,
Love's first snow-drop, virgin kiss.

Speaking silence, dumb confession,
Passion's birth, and infants' play,
Dove-like fondness, chaste concession,
Glowing dawn of brighter day.

Sorrowing joy, adieu's last action,
Ling'ring lips, -- no more to join!
What words can ever speak affection
Thrilling and sincere as thine!

Rev. Lovejoy: Thank you Bart. Marge and Homer, you have declared your love for each other, and you have made your marriage vows here today, in front of these witnesses, your family and friends. It now gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. Homer, you may now kiss your bride.

A right good snog.

Rev. Lovejoy: I would like to invite you to join me in reading a traditional Irish blessing, not only for Marge and Homer, but for all of you who have come here today to help celebrate their marriage. The blessing is on page five of your order of ceremony.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the road rise to meet you,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your bride and groom!

Exit of the Wedding Party (Music: “Roseville Fair”, Bill Staines).

I still get goosebumps reading that...
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby black bart on Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:51 am

^Wot thee eck am I doing in it?
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Roy Hunter on Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:26 am

It's called anonymising: I have to do it with case studies all the time. I prefer using names from The Simpsons or Family Guy, but I have used Luke, Leia, Annikin and Padme before too. My dissertation studies were anonymised with characters from Twin Peaks.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby pieces o'nine on Mon Apr 29, 2013 10:18 pm

^ looks like it was a very nice ceremony.
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Roy Hunter on Tue Apr 30, 2013 2:24 am

pieces o'nine wrote:^ looks like it was a very nice ceremony.
Other than Selma the musician being stung by a wasp in the middle of the vows, it was brilliant.
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Tue Apr 30, 2013 3:23 am

I'll need to transcribe it, but here's one of mine...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vUT7Cv9MX0
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Dechujoh64 on Thu May 23, 2013 1:09 am

Cap'n Tedward wrote: In this thread, we'll be taking submissions for weddings. We want the long an short of it. From the cartoonishly short to the mind numbingly long. From the scurviest, surliest drunken revelry, to the humblest humanistic bond.

So let's hear it. Let's all inspire new Monisters and either build, or burn, some bridges with other religions. :haha:


I have decided to take the mind numbingly long
I shall make my version off of the Christian mass version and spaghettify IT. I do not know how long it'll take maybe you 4 to 8 parts.

and after this first post of mine I shall post part one. I hope you're ready Capt.

May the pasta be with you always.
RAmen.
Pope Dechujoh is the name.
Oh, here is a list of things that I have writin:
Click the link->The Book of Dechujoh.:
Letter to the Risians. (14 Chapters.) has been writin
Letter to the Udonites. (2 Chpts.) has been writin
Letters between D and M the Udonite. (6 Chpts)has been writin
Letters to the Fiorites is next. Started on.
Revelations 3: The Scroll of the 7 Sealed Pastas(17 Chpts)has been writin
Image<---T.A.R.D.I.S
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Dechujoh64 on Thu May 23, 2013 1:49 am

PART ONE
Opening Greeting
The priest greets the assembly, and the people respond.
OPENING WORDS OF THE OFFICIANT

pirate like additions will be added in red and smaller things CAN BE OMITTED
Friends and mates, we have gathered here today to share with ______ and ______ a very important moment in their lives. In the years they have been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured, and now they have decided to live their lives together as husband and wife(Pirate and Wench). If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Gloria or Pastia
Glory to God(GLOB) in the highest, and Peace to his people on earth. Lord God(GLOB), heavenly King, Almighty God and Father, we worship you, we give you thanks, and we praise you for your glory. Lord Jesus Christ, Only Son of the Father, Lord God(GLOB), Lamb(PASTA) of God(GLOB), you take away the sins of the world: have mercy on us; you are seated at the right hand of the Father: Receive our prayer. For you alone are the Holy One, you alone are the Lord, you alone are the Most High(DRUNK), Jesus Christ(FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER), with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God(GLOB) the Father. RAmen

Opening Prayer
The priest invites the assembly to pray, then offers one of several possible prayers for the bride and groom. At the conclusion of the prayer, the assembly is seated for the Liturgy of the Word.

Father(HOLY MONSTER), hear our prayers for [Name] and [Name], Who today are united in marriage before your altar. Give them your blessing, And strengthen their love for each other.
We ask you this through YOU our Lord (GLOB) Heavenly Monster, who shall reign forever and ever, RAmen.

Since there is nothing really much about marriage within The Loose Canon. The first reading, response Psalm, second treating, alleluia( or something of the same nature), gospel and the homily shall all be chosen by the priest/minister.

This is all I shall show today so that this post will not go on forever. My next post shall contain the parts of the mass from: Rite of Marriage, Consent, Blessing and Exchange of Rings, Prayer of the Faithful

May the pasta be with you always.
RAmen.
Pope Dechujoh is the name.
Oh, here is a list of things that I have writin:
Click the link->The Book of Dechujoh.:
Letter to the Risians. (14 Chapters.) has been writin
Letter to the Udonites. (2 Chpts.) has been writin
Letters between D and M the Udonite. (6 Chpts)has been writin
Letters to the Fiorites is next. Started on.
Revelations 3: The Scroll of the 7 Sealed Pastas(17 Chpts)has been writin
Image<---T.A.R.D.I.S
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Cardinal Fang on Wed May 29, 2013 12:52 pm

I transcribed this ages ago from a YouTube vid of a Pastafarian wedding. Can't now find the video in question though, but this is the text of the ceremony

(processional ends)

(to the couple) Are ye ready to walk the plank together and thereby engage in (legal) matrimony?
(yes)

Arrrrrgh, let us begin!

Dearly beloved Pirates, Wenches and fellow Pastafarians and assorted landlubbers. We be gathered here today to marry this here wench to her pirate.

Let us pray.

Hail Marinara,
Full of Spice,
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is filled with thee.
Tasty art thou amongst sauces,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy jar, tomatoes
(although fools believe they are vegetables).
Holy Marinara,
Chief Amongst Toppings,
Save a plate for us now,
and at about 6 o’clock when dinner is served, if you would be so kind.
RAmen.

Any Scurvy dog who has a problem with this here union should be saying Yarr right about now. Otherwise shut your noodle hole so we can get on with this and get to the part where we get wasted on rum.

Now both of ye say yarr where it concerns you, understood.

Do ye wench take this here pirate to be ye (lawfully) wedded pirate. To be liking a lot through the good stuff and the bad stuff, to be caring for him in the healthy times and the scurvy times, to be loving him during the times of great booty and the times without, to be having fun together while adventuring at sea and while home in port, and to be upholding the word of the great noodly gospel as long as ye both shall live?

(arrrrgh, I do)

And do ye pirate take this here wench to be your (lawfully) wedded wench. To be liking a lot through the good stuff and the bad stuff, to be caring for her in the healthy times and the sick times, to be loving her during the times of great booty and the times without, to be having fun together while adventuring at sea and while home in port, and to be upholding the word of the great noodly gospel as long as ye both shall live?

(arrrrgh, I do)

Ye may now exchange the rings, which are shaped in the unending circle of his great noodly appendages.

And now, by the power vested in me by the Flying Spaghetti Monster (and the State of Utah), I pronounce you pirate and wench, husband and wife!

Ye may kiss your wench.

May I introduce ye all to the new Mr. and Mrs. -------------!

(applause and such; recessional)


Amendment: the original was held in Utah, and the ceremony was a legally valid one. However, as has been discussed on other threads, not all countries currently legally recognise a couple married according to Pastafarian rites (e.g. the UK) - so I've amended this so that the bits that apply only if there it is a legally valid ceremony. These bits are (blue and in brackets)

CF
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Re: Monister's Handbook submissions - weddings

Postby Cap'n Tedward on Wed May 29, 2013 1:54 pm

Nice. I'm working on an opening homily based on science. it's not done yet, but here's what I have so far:
"When the world was primitive and every creature was a single cell, everything was your enemy.
Other creatures like yourself were competing for similar resources, and creatures unlike you were likely trying to make YOU their resources.

But some time, somewhere in that mix of kill or be killed, two creatures touched. They had companionship for the first time. Eventually, they learned they could share resources, and eventually become completely part of each other. They joined. And they showed the rest of the world what power that brought them.

Since then every multi-cellular organism has honored this moment in some way. They share resources with their brothers, or most, like us, perform the mating dance in hopes of recapturing the power and strength when two become one. "
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