Talk Like A Landlubber Day - Sept 20

[black bart]

Oh dear oh dear what an absolute disgrace...the Chinese team have been accused of cheating in the ladies triathlon...they've been hiding their dumplings.

[The Black Spot]

How disgraceful. They're an utter shower.

On a happier note, I hear that Team GB have won their first gold medal. It was won by the coxless ladies. I must be getting a smidgeon out of touch, I didn't realise there was any other kind.

[Roland Deschain]

My good sir, obviously you have never taken tiffin in one of the more infamous bars in Bangkok. One recommends this for your worldly education, and post haste!

[black bart]

Bangkok? My word Sir Roland...is there such a location...one had thought this referred to a form of accident which could befall one whilst showing the Scullery Maid how to play croquet.

[The Black Spot]

Indeed, Sir Bart. There are many types of sports injuries that can be inflicted upon one's person. Have you ever suffered a shuttlecock injury? It tends to make one's eyes water.

[black bart]

Indeed Lord Spot, it does make ones eyes water...I must teach the Scullery Maid that sport as well, she'll simply love it as the shuttlecock goes up and down, up and down ad infinitum. It's only a matter of deciding whether we play outdoors or indoors or even al fresco.

[la la]

What a useful and versatile Scullery Maid you seem to have, Sir Bart! You really must tell us how you found her - good help is lamentably hard to come by these days. Although I have recently acquired a wonderful new hedge-trimmer by the name of Ramone. Such a pleasure to have around the place, and one does so enjoy meeting exotic new people - they have such novel ways of doing things!

[black bart]

Ramone...one has to ponder Lady La...and I dare say tis the influence of such foul and debauched literature as "Pride and Prejudice" and "Fifty Shades of Agnes Grey"...is he Ramone by name and Ramone by nature?

[Roy Hunter]

I'm not sure I know what this Ramone fellow looks like. Can you pick him out of this line-up, Lady La?

[DaveL]

Ah quite so Lord Spot,

I hear Mr Ramone and his brothers were minstrels of great fame, at that commoner public establishment, 'The Drunken Mermaid'.

My kitchen servants were right "into them", and were punished for growing their hair too long, after several turned up in my soup.

[black bart]

My word Sir Dave...there is some confusion tween Viscount Hunter's dark Satanic Avatar and Lord Spot's dark satanic Avatar is there not?

One seems to have injured oneself trying to get a better view of the Beach Volley Ball...one is just orf to see the Dark Satanic Nurse.

[The Black Spot]

Commiserations, Sir Bart. I am distressed to learn that you damaged your coccyx while watching the beach volleyball. A recurring injury of yours, I understand.

Earl Dave's confusion between Viscount Hunter and myself is quite understandable, as we look rather similar when lurking behind a hedge.

[Roy Hunter]

Must I repeat myself? I wasn't lurking, I was only behind that hedge to adjust my clothing.

The laundry maid just happened by at the wrong moment and misinterpreted things...

Then again, she does wash my sheets...

[black bart]

Marvellous. Whilst I was visiting the Nurse I happened to mention my latest book on the Middle East which seems to have got me in a spot of bother with the Extremists...the nurse asked if I had caused a Jihad...I said "Fatwa" and she hit me with a warming pan!

[DaveL]

Yes indeed good Sir.

I do believe Lord Spot's avatar looks similar to something I spied through my telescope, when Lady Baines-Borthwick and her young manservant went for a "stroll" in the forest last week.