Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[Ravi Oli]

^yee'll 'ave ta stop eatin' thee free fish'ead stoo sample paks bart 'ands owt... Oi'd be wary o' ANYTHIN' thart scoundrel gives ye for nort!!

[Roland Deschain]

^^ Say 20 "Hail Pastas", then 4 "Our Noodles", and all should be fine.

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

rrrrrrrr deer Angus blakberd um um were I poot me cutwuss ?I


rrrrrrrr

[black bart]

rrrrrrrr deer Angus blakberd um um were I poot me cutwuss ?I


rrrrrrrr

It's a wooden cutlass...just in case any child welfare people are reading this.

[Ravi Oli]

Arrrrrrggghhh Cap'n bart.... arrrre ye sayin' wooden cutlass wooden hurt ye iffin thee lil' blighter prodded ye in yer tenda bits? Oi'd nort like ta test yer thearie.

[black bart]

Dear Auntie

Blimey tis Nef Yoo's 5th birfday (again) ...can we afford one o these:

[Griffin]

Dear Antie

I 'as paynes all over in me arms, me hed and me leg and h'even in me peg leg. H'it started after I met some peeple I wont mentiun and then met anuvver such wot I wont mentiun iyver. Me thermomiter be off the scale. Should I get a new wun?

Yoors

Cap'n Treadmill-Hearty

[Griffin]

Dear Ansty

In the absense of your advice on me little spot o' trubble, I got a new thermometer. It measures same as the old wun and again me fever is off the scale. How many does wun have ter buy before ye get wun that gives satisfactory reaadings? Also, I do wunder if I am following the h'instructions correctly, (at least fer female peg legs)they say open the oven door and pierce the bird with the thermometer.... I has made sure the oven door is open wen I thrust the thermometer into me thigh

I am 'opin' ter get thuis fixed before the Pyrapentathlen. Urgent.

Yours

Cap'n Mrs Treadmil-Weedy

ps. I cawt the h'afflictiun off me ex husband - shouwld I sue?

[Ravi Oli]

Deer Griff
Oi do beeleave thee currect thermometer ye shud be using tis a RECTAL won. 'Tis inserted below thee 'parson's nose' an' 'ye shud be VERY CAREFUL nort ta cough wile usin' it.

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Dear Cap'n Mrs Treadmil-Weedy

Tis a terrible thing when ye gets trouble wi' yer wooden bits. I've 'ad a terrible pain in me crutch fer the last fortnght.

ps. I cawt the h'afflictiun off me ex husband - shouwld I sue?

I'd rather ye didn't. These things tend t' escalate. It'll be easier if I just settle up wi' you 'an yer ex out o' court.

[Ravi Oli]

I'd rather ye didn't. These things tend t' escalate. It'll be easier if I just settle up wi' you 'an yer ex out o' court.

Deer Arntie
Oi always wundered 'ow strikin'ly similarr ye looks loike Madame Fifi...other then sexhewally are ye sum'ow related?

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Aye laddie. Madame Fifi be on the port side o' the family, while Big Brenda be on the broardside.

[black bart]

Dear Auntie

I has lost me quill...now owe am I goin ta write me hagonee letters?

Yours

Cap'n of one o thee Big Shyppes in thee Harbour.

[Roland Deschain]

More himporantly be thee question of what ye be usin' ter write 'em now!

[DaveL]

YArrr...

O'id be spelling it out with semaphore flags, although Aunty may need a new spyglass to view it without squintin'...