Pyrate Olympicks

[The Black Spot]

... Insane Dolt, the fastest one legged man in the world; and there beside him is Mayor Borat Jonestown, who is waving excitedly at the crowd. Er, no he's not; he's trying to get the police's attention because he's just been robbed. But look over there! To light the Pirlympic Flame is none other than...

[black bart]

...Deputy Prime Minister Clegg the Peg...a man who, some say, is as incorruptible as the pope...yes, with his hair streaming in the wind, Clegg lights the Pirlympic Flame with a torch decorated with Bart Industry Logos. Mr Clegg is wearing a Purple Tracksuit covered in Arrghdidas Logos, Trainers clearly displaying a Pumaaargh logo and he arrived in a Jaguaargh Mark 5 with go faster stripes and Madame Fifi's Half Price Every Tuesday down both sides...I've just got to give Mr Clegg his Appearance Fee in a brown paper bag and then it's time for...

[pieces o'nine]

...thee hopening sarah moanies, feechurin a parrrrade ov all thee competin' crewes warin' their shippes colo[u]rs. As a hoitem ov hintrest, there be quite thee scuttlebutt o'er *sum* pyrates sporrrtin crewe yuniforrrms wot were mayde by ovver crewes. But oi digresses. Thee Portsmouth Band an Chorus arrrgh stoikin' hup thee "Welcomin' Marrch as thee foirewerkes display starrrghts o'erhead...

[black bart]

...cunningly thee foireworks hexplode in thee shaype of a Skull an Crossbones, this bein thee signal for thee massed ranks o thee Portsmouth Pirate School juniors ta rehinact thee hinvashun o Trinidad by Cap'n Morgan...crikey...who gave them loiv hamunishun?

[The Black Spot]

But much of the talk is about whether Knuckles O'Shuffle can retain his crown as the world champion in the shaking-a-bilge-rat-to-death contest. Will Knuckles pull it off again this year? That's the question on everyone's lips

[black bart]

Well Knuckles certainly pulled it off four years ago in Beijing ... I remember it so well, he beat the Chinese Champion 'Tai Ni Wang" in the final.

[Roy Hunter]

Well, the freestyle event is his strongest one, very hard on the opposition. And as Tigarrrr Woodenlegs was saying just the other day, the rough is more-or-less unplayable. But Knuckles is an expert in that: very proficient when it comes to the short strokes...

[Griffin]

H'Unfortoonaytly, the yellow burning stuff bein' caarreed arownd by peeple they think I's herd of but never has, are duw ter pass thru streets nearby The Black Spot and Black Bart's births today. I jest 'ope they keep ter the 'Olympic lanes, ovverwyse they will be fined fer going in the ordinary traffic lanes.

[The Black Spot]

Is that a starting pistol I hear? No, it's just the stewards shooting someone who's wearing a "White Lightning Special Gut Rot" T shirt rather than a "Captain's Delight" official sponsor's shirt. And now I can see the massed ranks of Kentucky Fried Rat employees throwing handfuls of rats into the crowd; it really is a shame that they didn't cook them first. But now it's time for the first act in the opening ceremony...

[pieces o'nine]

... A parade of cabbin bouys, representing all the ships docked in Portsmouth Harbor, is entering the stadium carrying a jyint Jolly Roger. The crowd is on its feet, pegs, and crutches, cheering and wiping away tears from the noxious, smoking after-effects of the fireworks supplied by Bart Industries. ...

... Now we see a tableau of the history of Pirating, with symbolic references to brass monkeys, poop decks, bilges, and gangplanks. ... A cheer swells from the thous-er-hun-er-tens of pirate throats at the pageantry. ...

[black bart]

...yes they cheer loudlee at thee sight of thee Captain's Delight refreshment stalls being set up at thee end of each of thee gangways and in case anyone should want a snack there be Hawthentik Fishe Heade Stoo stalls...enuff fer evryone...15 Dubloons a bucket...hurragh!

[The Black Spot]

Hang on, a fight has just broken out in the refreshment area. It seems that one poor chap was given a pint of Fishhead stew instead of a pint of Captain's Delight (Official Piralympics Sponsor 1712). It wouldn't have been so bad, but the poor wretch downed it in one go before he realised it. The fight's already spread to the Triple Lurch team, and the Synchronised Keelhaulers are getting ready to join in.

[black bart]

Yes and of course illegal substances be banninated from thee Pyrate Olympics...we don't want a repeat of wot appened at thee Cuban Pyrate Olympics when thee winner of thee 'Che Guevara' memorial 100 Metre Firing Squad Dash was found to have been drinking a Non-Brasso chaser!

[la la]

Ah, the refreshment area is now clear! It seems that all the brave souls who partook of the Fishe Heade Stoo are now regretting it beehind thee stands. Noisily. But on with thee Olymping! Do anybody recall what thee next event be?

[Roy Hunter]

Javelin catching. Not Black Bart's strongest event, due to the eyepatch and all, but as long as they're using the cheap Bart Industries brand javelins, I don't see how anyone can get injured. Bart has a World Championship, two previous Pirlympic Gold Medals and a ruptured spleen from this event (not one of his better days). Let's see how he gets on today...