Talk Like A Landlubber Day - Sept 20

[black bart]

Quite so, quite so...although one has to have a sneaking admiration for the skilled lower classes who work with their hands. I myself have taken whittling lessons in the back room of the church hall...although I found it rather tiring and I completely wore out my tool.

[The Black Spot]

My word, how distressing for you, Sir Bart.

I think I may have to dispense with the services of Mr O'Shuffle. Last week, he was helping the handyman redecorate the reception room. The handyman had measured the room, cut the wallpaper to size, mixed a bucket of paste, and set up the work tables. He then went outside for a smoke before setting to work. Mr O'Shuffle elected to stay inside to drink his tea and read the colourful magazine he had brought with him.

When the handyman returned a few minutes later, he started hanging the wallpaper, only to be astonished that he now had two buckets of paste when he knew he had only mixed the one. He pushed this to the back of his mind and, dipping his brush liberally in the paste, slapped up the wallpaper.

Not only did the canary die the second its cage was brought into the room, but the hounds now sit outside the window howling all night.

[black bart]

Now ya mention it Lord Spot I heard they employed Mr O'Shuffle at the Chelsea Flower Show earlier in the year. Knuckles was in charge of the ponds and water gardens and the Head Gardener said he's never seen so much frog spawn in one year.

[The Black Spot]

Now ya mention it Lord Spot ...

Heavens above! what an utterly vulgar turn of phrase. I suspect that you may be spending far too much time in the company of the lower classes, Sir Bart. I've been known to mingle with them myself of course, but one keeps the conversation to a minimum.

[black bart]

Honi soit qui mal y pense, Lord Spot, Honi soit.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

My word !

I must declare Sir Bart , i am dismayed to hear you speak in the tongue of our enemies .
Have you forgotten our last foray with Madame de Ouverie and her savage minions ?
Why , my dear Sir Bart , my rapier is still blunt and rusty ! Mark my words , I may never duel again !

[The Black Spot]

You are right to be concerned, Earl Bonney. It would seem that Bart has become unsettled following his encounters with a certain Mr O'Shuffle. Perhaps we should extend him an invitation to the leap frog competition that we have organised with the servants this afternoon? That should focus his mind.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Splendid idea Lord Spot !

I shall have Frothlingbury bring my maids to your grounds forthwith !
We shall have a capital diversion jumping them untill tea tyme .

[black bart]

Poppy-cock my dear sirs, poppy-cock. I merely utter the sacred motto of the 'Order of the Garter' to which one has only recently been made a an hesteemed member...at least that's what Madame Fifi said to me on my last visit and I have the garter to prove it, what what.

[The Black Spot]

Ah yes. I believe that I have seen this garter of which you speak. Is that the one with the teeth marks on it?

[black bart]

Indeed Lord Spot..and not only are there teeth marks but there a few actual teeth thereon. Odd though it would appear that the wording around the Garter doesn't say "Honi soit qui mal y pense" as one would expect but utters the rather crass: Kiss Me Quick. Still it matches the knick...er it matches the other garment one received as part of the initiation ceremony:

[The Black Spot]

Good heavens! An impressive piece of apparel! I imagine the laundry girl must have to spend a considerable amount of time with her hands in your undergarments.

[black bart]

Indeed Lord Spot and due to the size of it it takes a whole team of Laundry Girls from South East Asia to get it all shiny and clean. But enough of my social climbing, how are the preparations for the upcoming Olympiad going Lord Spot?...I heard rumours of a security breech at the Beach Volley Ball.

[DaveL]

Lord Bart, there's a Ms Mctavish at the door. She is requesting the return of her pantaloons immediately. She has also requested that you do not show her pantaloons to Mr O'Shuffle under any circumstances.

[black bart]

Good Lord, Sir Dave...but the pantaloons in my possession are not nearly big enough to conceal, or indeed constrain the magnificent proportions of the said ladies posterior! I have heard rumour that Miss McTavish is a key member of the British Ladies Beach Volley Ball Team..I sincerely hope Knuckles has not managed to procure tickets for this event!!!!