Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Fri Jul 15, 2011 7:24 am

DavidH wrote:Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.


I haven't actually tried driving with my Pirate Gear on but I have been on a bus.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:23 am

black bart wrote:
DavidH wrote:Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.


I haven't actually tried driving with my Pirate Gear on but I have been on a bus.


I regularly ride my bicycle wearing my pirate gear. I tie my hat to the top of my helmet. And my wheelchair has pirate flag and stickers, and a cutlass in each of the rear wheels. Both my bike and my wheelchair have a pirate teddy-bear attached.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Mon Jul 18, 2011 5:25 am

Tigger_the_Wing wrote:
black bart wrote:
DavidH wrote:Austrian driver wearing Bart's hat crashes into tree before getting into third gear

"Ach, du liebes FSM, I am not a bloody thing seeing able to," says Herr Arsch.


I haven't actually tried driving with my Pirate Gear on but I have been on a bus.


I regularly ride my bicycle wearing my pirate gear. I tie my hat to the top of my helmet. And my wheelchair has pirate flag and stickers, and a cutlass in each of the rear wheels. Both my bike and my wheelchair have a pirate teddy-bear attached.


Now all ye've got to do is move to Austria and get an Austrian driving license.

PS I've written a comment on thee brave bloke's blog.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard on Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:41 pm

hatenshun!!
hatenshun ellybuddy
um
rrrrrrrrrrrr
um
um
i no gunna b tha fissil broomasser no moor
now i b tha fissil stawipmasser !
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
fank ye ye welkum
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:54 am

Under Age Worker Forced To Take the Coats at Madame Fifi's Shock

In a dawn raid the Porstmouth constabulary, affectionately known as thee Bow Legged Runners, have made a shameful discovery at Madame Fifi's Gentlemen's club.

A young lad calling himself 'Nef Yoo Blackbeard' was found to be in the employ of this establishment and was in charge of the cloakroom. Whilst the young lad was employed he was not paid a wage but 'helped himself to the contents of people's jackets' in order to make the enterprise profitable.

The young lad's guardian, a Mr Bartholomew Bart, was ordered to take the little blighter into his charge and it is expected that a heavy fine will be levied against the proprietor. When asked if he had seen any of the 'goings on' at the well known knockinge shoppe, Nef Yoo replied: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I seed thee Chief Constable an his men comin an a goin at least twice a week an Uncle Barty spent all his treasure in one week.

The case continues.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Roy Hunter on Sat Sep 10, 2011 9:33 am

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:14 am

^ :facepalm:

Deer me...Brit Elkland has really let herself go.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Roland Deschain on Mon Sep 12, 2011 11:40 am

Notty Local Shipowner Seen Exiting Madame Fifi's Three Times In Two Hours

A notty local shipowner, well-known in the community for his charitable acts, his love of rare cheeses and his rebellious younger relation, was seen yesterday exiting notorious gentlemans' establishment Madame Fifi's three times in two hours, a source told the Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdian.

"I just happened to be standing outside the establishment in question when I saw the aforementioned gentleman exiting the front door. I couldn't believe who it was, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. I was then astonished to see him exit the front door again, although he definitely didn't go in that way in the intervening time," said our source.

It is believed that the notty shipowner enters the club through a secret passage somewhere near his ship, although another, inside, source told us that he entered the club through the back door, so the existence of this secret passage is pure speculation.

When questioned, the notty shipowner replied that we must be mistaken. When shown photographic evidence of this, he replied that he'd "...forgotten all about that, and I was just taking some money to a friend when he ran out of it. The fact that it took me 45 minutes to do so each time means nothing..."

We are currently in legal wranglings over publishing the photographs, but once they are 'shopped (pirate parlance for winning a legal battle over photos) they will be published immediately.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:57 am

New Long Winded Tale Damages Anglo, Scottish, Mexican, Spanish Relations Shock Horror.

The latest, entirely true, tale to appear in the Far fetched Anecdotes thread has managed to upset at least three nations across the globe. Never a man to court controversy the author 'Black Bart' has defended his tale saying: "I speak nought but thee truth and if I be lyin may I be struck down wiv a kidney stone."

The mayor of Portsmouth, Lord Borat Johnson has received complaints from the Scottish, Spanish and Mexican embassies (very difficult to spot amongst the wooden shacks near the harbour) alleging that the tale defames their nations and could result in war.

Black Bart is 26 and mayor Borat is 74.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby DavidH on Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:15 am

PIRATE CAPTAIN SUES PET SHOP

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Pyrit Cap'n Paddington today launched a lawsuit against Pyrit Pets of Rat Street concerning his new shoulder-parrot.
The Cap'n told our reporter Hezekiah Grotbucket, "I wish to make a complaint: this is a dead parrot. E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!"

A spokesman for Pyrit Pets later stated that the Norwegian Blue was just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk, and was probably pining for the fjords.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby pieces o'nine on Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:47 am

ERROL FLYNN PROMOTED
Image

Errol Flynn has been named Vice Admiral of Research and Development at Mad Moggies, Inc., a spokeswench for the corporation announced today.

Captain Pieces o'Nine praised Flynn's achievements, starting as cabin boy aboard the Mad Moggies Revenge, his critically acclaimed performances as a 'Hollywood Actor,' his recent triumphs in the pirate market with genuine polystyrene shrunken heads, and, most recently, his successful launch of *the* Must-Have item of the season, the Knork.

Image

Flynn was all smiles at the press conference, saying, "I owe everything to Captain Pieces o'Nine, pirate and wench par excellence. I am really looking forward to embarking upon this new stage in my career, back with the Mad Moggies family, showing those hacks at Bart Industries what a *real* world class marketing giant looks like. Please accept a complimentary knork on your way out -- be the first kid on your block to have one! Pardon? Why yes, I would be happy to autograph that for you!"
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:38 am

Knork launch overshadowed by events at Portsmouth Harbour.

Cap'n Cronan and Cap'n Greensmythe Smith endorse Bart Industries Revolushunaree Shyppe Design.

Image

Cronan and Smith seen here at the inhawgural launch of thee design and prototype had no hesitashun ta speak out in support o thee new shyppe after a barrel o rum each:

Image

Cronan: I (hic) think ish wunerful an there be no way fer it ta be sunk by annuvver iceberg...tis unsinkabububbbble I tells ye!

Smith: Ish very henvironmentallee frenlee an all. I luv (hic) pengooons.

Black Bart: Shuv that up yer knork Flynn!
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby pieces o'nine on Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:14 pm

Thee Notorious Black Spot Seen in Portsmouth!
Details at 11:00...
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart on Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:25 pm

:shocked:

Lock up yer cabin boys, yer grog, yer treasure an yer knorks!
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney on Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:33 pm

pieces o'nine wrote:Thee Notorious Black Spot Seen in Portsmouth!
Details at 11:00...


BLAST!
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et sea.
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