Arrrgh, Oi thot that Oi were following a treasure map wot I found on thee beach, a long-lost relic o' legend sunk in the sea millennia ago wot serposedly led to a larrrrge chest full o' preshus metals an' stones, crowns an' figurines, an' even a bejeweled cutlass wielded by thee first midgit, wot the FSM buried on the slopes of thee Beer Volcano an' forgot where he put it 'cause he were plastered. Oi thought Oi had found the hidden path to Heaven wot were serposedly created by thee FSM in case he passed out with the sink running and flooded the world, sose we could get to Heaven an' turn it off. Oi were ekstatic!
But then Oi looked up an' found meself in Kentucky. Oi said, "Wot thee ****?" an' then I took another look at me serposed treasure map.
To me dismay, Oi realized Oi had no map, but rather, Oi was draggin' ye ^ around an' the Beer Volcano were akchuwally just a huge, festering boil on yer face! Ye had passed out on the beach from drinkin' too much vodka (Vodka! What kind of pirate drinks vodka?! Yer, if ye can even call yerself a pirate, ye swab!) an' Oi found ye there an' yer face were so broken out an' scruffy that Oi thought ye were a map! No wonder thee map felt so heavy, ye fat tub o' bilgewater!