The Annual Academy Awards Fer Piratical Arts (The Jim Lads)

[Roy Hunter]

Thank you, thank you, gosh I have such a list of people to thank: Nurse Ratched; Glaxo SmithKlein; The NHS; the Scottish Prison Service; ASDA Walmart; my producers, and of course Jesus - for mowing the lawn and washing the car.

[pieces o'nine]

That's enuff, that's enuff. Get orf thee dye an let sumwun else 'ave a turn!

Pay attenshun, ye lubbers, an settle down in thee back! We can see ye an hear ye, so minde yer manners. Ye now who ye arrrgh...

Roight. Arrrgh next awarrrghd this hinterminabull heavenin be for thee Best Long Winded Tale...thee nommy knees be:
Black Bart
Cap'n Black Bart
Black Bart, Captain of Bart Industries
Bart, Cap'n Black
Blab Crack Pant
Back Crab Plant
Blab Track
Black Brat
Bract Balk

Wait a minnit!

Security!

[Milo the dog]

ARF! ARF! ARF! ARF!

*wagwagwagwagwag*

[Ravi Oli]

Yer a gud bouy Milo [pats 'is 'ead] - Oi knows ye art thee reel brains ov thee teem an' awl ye gets fer yer efferts tis arse biskits.

Oim sad ta sea Cap'n pieces still 'werrin 'er anti-wardrobe-malfunkshun duckedtape...

[pieces o'nine]

* stomps graysfully back onto thee dye-us, coffs, haddresses microfone *

There be no 'ope fer hit, lads, thee Jim Lad fer thee Best Long Winded Tale goes ter Black Bart, on account ov 'is shaymeless ballot stuffin' an voter fraud. Summin foinde 'im an point 'im in thee genrul direckshun ov thee dye-us, ware Milo be garrrghdin 'is hawarrrghd... Good boy, Milo!

We'll be back wif thee next round ov hawarrrghds arfter this breefe worde from annuver one ov arrrgh sponsors...

[Roland Deschain]

Kongratcherlayshuns, Roy. Ye be 'avin' a noive award there. Make sure ye know where it be at all times loike...

[black bart]

Oi nivver hexpekted this me hearties

Oim not normallee a blubberer but if ye onlee knew thee year oiv had of it...thee barnacle scrapin...thee peg leg rot...thee writers block wot kept me from finishin alf me tales (cheers from thee audience)...

Somewun give me a tissue...



er...that looks fermiliarrgh!

Thee drinks be on Roy.

[Ravi Oli]

Arrrrrrr bart... giv it a brake... we all nose Bart Hindustries be the worlds biggest sirplyer ov crocodile tears... but seerishly, ye art a deezurving winna. Ye arnt 'alf as sucksinked wiv ye werds as me. Oi'll 'ave ta get me one o' them dickshunairie thingies an' keep hoanin' me werd skilz.

[black bart]

Have we run out of Hawards?...lookin at thee amount o Rum left at thee Bar I don't think so.

[daftbeaker]

Have we run out of Hawards?...lookin at thee amount o Rum left at thee Bar I don't think so.

There's rum left? *hic*

[pieces o'nine]

There be stacks ov henvelopes wif nommynashuns writ on'em just waitin' t'be hopened...

[Ravi Oli]

^ Be thar one wiv THEE BEST PYRATE WENCH'S KNORKS on it?

[pieces o'nine]

* cap'n pieces o' nine suddenly perks up *

[Ravi Oli]

Arrrr Cap'n pieces... even tho ye 'aven't flashed 'em Oi recken ye shud 'ave thee Golden Nipple fer THEE BEST PYRATE WENCH'S KNORKS fer been a gud sport.

Golden Nipple Receipe
1/2 oz Goldschlager® cinnamon schnapps
1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
Bailey's® Irish cream
Add goldschlager and butterscotch schnapps to a 1 1/2 oz. shot glass. Fill with bailey's irish cream and serve.

Oi recken we gets a few o'them inta yer we moight yet get a fav'rable wardrobe malfuncshun...

[pieces o'nine]

Ye wreckons wrong.

Oi feels that thee knork be a gender-nootral himplement, so there should be sevral outrajus nommy knees fer thee Jim Lad in this cat a'gory.