Loose Canon Submissions - The Ritual Book

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Ok mateys, so we at the Third Council of Olive Garden have begun thinking about putting together a second edition of the Canon. But we have restructured the way we're doing it to make compilation easier and more organized. So this is the spot for descriptions of and how-to guides for rituals and services (possibly holiday/Friday related). Also, if you want a "historical" basis for your work, check out the Torahtellini Part 1 (4:22-29) here: viewtopic.php?f=15&t=20389 And if you want, check out the First Edition of the Loose Canon here http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/ for reference.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Just fyi, the official name of this collection has been changed from 'The Ritual Book' to the 'The Book of Rituals, Ancient Vigils, Customs, Holidays, and Lordly Victuals' aka 'The Boravchalv'

-Third Council of Olive Garden

[Platypus Enthusiast]

final draft, go save some souls

An Exorcism Ritual: A Catechism of the Rutgers Pastafarians
As authorized by Captain Jeff Cupo, Privateer of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Fleet

1) You must be authorized by the FSM or one of His agents as a holy woman/man/robot/space monster/supermonkey in order to perform an exorcism on a possessed person (exorcisms on possessed objects are possible too, but more difficult). Authorization can be accomplished through four methods.
a) You can become a prophet. You must receive scripture through revelation, and if successful, it means the FSM has accepted you.
b) You can become a captain. You must gather a congregation, and again, if you are successful, you have been accepted by the FSM.
c) You can become a minister. You must receive certification through an agent of the FSM. The most practical method is receiving certification from the Prophet Bobby, greatest of the prophets.
d) You can become a martyr…
e) You can become a priest. You must pray to the FSM asking Him Himself for authorization, and offer a sacrifice too if you're not too busy. Don't worry if He doesn't answer, as He's probably sleeping off His booze binge from last night, but you're accepted anyway.

2) It is well known that the Dark Lord Darwin, the adversary of the FSM, is responsible for all possessions (excluding those accidentally committed by the FSM). The possessee has been deceived by Darwin's Science and has fully accepted it as true. Therefore, the first half of the remedy to possession is providing the possessee with true knowledge. There are three steps involved.
a) Have the possessee stand within a ring of pasta, as Darwin is incapable of passing such a holy barrier. This is to ensure that once the possessee receives true knowledge, Darwin cannot come back to reenlighten the possessee.
b) Read the possessee scripture involving the evil ways of Darwin and the manner in which he deceives good people. We recommend Chapter 2 of Darwin's Purge or The Sermon on the Mall 1:14-16.
c) If the possessee begins speaking tongues (i.e. using strange words such as gene flow, common descent, reproduction, etc), or does other possession clichés, don’t worry. This is normal, so just carry on.
d) Show the possessee a picture of the Crocoduck. This demonstrates the pure ridiculousness of Darwin's Deception of Evolution.

3) Now that true knowledge is planted in the mind of the possessee, you must appeal to the FSM for support to finish the job. This consists of three to four steps.
a) Partake of the sacrament. Both you and the possessee will need full spiritual strength, so you must have a divine substance in your stomach, the Holy of Holies. The sacrament includes pasta, rum, beer, and/or fish head stew.
b) You must then pray. Any of the prayers and some appropriate pastalms will do. Use your judgment in choosing and repeat as needed. Also, if not holding the Loose Canon to read off of, your hands should be placed in the standard prayer position, ie, cross your thumbs above the rest of your hand, representing His eyestalks. Your fingers are spread out to represent His noodles, while the rest of your hand represents His meatballs.
c) The FSM is totally an idiot and trouble with the exorcism may arise. In such a case, feel free to improvise. Remember, you are an authorized holy woman/man/robot/space monster/supermonkey, so you're free to wing it.
d) Finish with the blessing, "Sauce be with you, RAmen," followed by the Sign of the Sauce. This entails gesturing with your pointer and middle finger to the left side of your chest, then to the right, representing His meatballs, and the zig-zag your hand around parallel to your chest, representing His noodles.

4) The former possessee is no longer possessed. Congrats.

[Ham Nox]

Would the book I made last time count, or is it too narrative?

[Almighty Doer of Stuff]

I guess it would, but it's already included in a particular section. Thanks for pointing that out, we'll consider that later, I assume.

Here's a final draft of my exorcism ritual.

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A Exorcism Ritual for the Banishment of Cruel Demons and Evil Spirits

Sometimes, despite our best efforts to keep His Noodliness in our hearts and minds, we will find that people and things we love, and mundane objects in our environment, will, in a time of vulnerability, be attacked and possessed by unseemly spirits. Not just wine that's turned to vinegar, but actual souls and demons from beyond our realm of existence! When this occurs, an exorcism must be performed. Keep in mind that this is not to save the soul of the possessed. The FSM would never be such a jerk as to punish someone for something that wasn't their fault. But possession can nevertheless be problematic in THIS life, and it is for that reason that this exorcism ritual was revealed unto me.

Of course, as followers of His Noodliness, we must first don our finest Pirate Regalia. This is key. As we know, the FSM doesn't always respond to prayers right away, even if one is wearing pirate regalia; if one is not in the holy garb, He may even outright ignore you.

(I suggest having a jug of clean water and a fine-toothed comb handy as well, if you are exorcising a human. You'll see why.)

Next, the possessed object or person must be restrained, and surrounded by a ring of garlic. One may use garlic salt if that is all one has, although whole cloves arranged in a circle would probably be ideal. In fact, if you happen to have a particularly powerful demon on your hands, and a pile of whole bulbs, you may even arrange those in a circle for extra effect.

While you are dressed in pirate regalia and the victim is restrained in a circle of garlic, it is time to boil a package of instant ramen noodles. These noodles must be cooked VERY well. Al dente is wonderful if the noodles are for consumption, however, in this case, they need to be soft, mushy, and sticky, so as to cling forcefully to the possessed victim.

If the possessed is a stone, idol, or other firm, inanimate object, then it is highly beneficial to imbue the noodles with obnoxious amounts of spices while boiling. However, if the possessed is something like a teddy bear that would absorb the spices and be ruined, or a human who does not have immediate access to a shower (for instance, public exorcisms), then I suggest you leave out the spices, and don't add the flavoring packet either.

Now, after the noodles are mushy and sticky, but still recognizable as noodles, they must be drained thoroughly. Then, the noodles must be refrigerated, and made cold. This serves two purposes: one, if you're performing public exorcisms, this allows you to boil the noodles beforehand, and bring them with you in a cooler, and two, it increases the unpleasantness that arises as a result of the next step.

This is the pivotal step. You must be VERY careful during this step, as you will be directly confronting the possessive demon. The exorcist must ENTER the ring of garlic, intruding upon the demon's space, and sprinkle the cold, sticky noodles upon the victim. At this point, the victim might cry out, "AAAUUGH! It's clammy and gross! Get it off me!" However, you must be FIRM! This is the DEMON being REPULSED by contact with the Holiest Food of the LORD! The victim must still be restrained! Once the noodles are clinging to the victim, then the bad jokes must commence, forcing the victim to participate (knock knock jokes, etc.) and not cease until the victim has been freed from the clutches of the evil spirit!

Finally, the possessed person or object has been released! At this point, celebration is in order. Release the former victim from the restraints, use the jug of water and fine-toothed comb to extract the noodles from the former victim's hair, if necessary, and, if applicable, present them with a gift of something Holy, such as a package of noodles, a bandanna, or an eyepatch, to help ward off repossession in the future. Verily, the Power of His Noodly Appendage is great!

Ramen!

[StJason]

A Ritual For The Preparation And Consumption of Spaghetti

Firstly, thou shalt gather thine ingredients. Procureith thou a pot and a saucepan. Into the saucepan placeith some oil of olive and diced bulb of the garlic, and heateth thou thine saucepan until the garlic turns clear. Do not burneth thine garlic, nor should you leave it hard. And stirreth thine garlic around so that it might enflavor the oil.
To this, thou should addeth ground meat. I know that the flesh of the cow be traditional, but let me telleth you that there are a great many other meats that work just as well. Also, if the feasting upon flesh disgustith thou, feel free to leave it out. But I like it so I will add it in.
When thine meat is cooked, then addith thou your sauce. This can be the sauce of red, or the sauce of white. It mattereth not. And while some believe that only home made works good, I find no harm in using thine Tomato Paste from a can. Though do not useth the pre-jarred sauce unleseth it be from thine Aunt Margaret, as we all know she maketh some killer sauce. Only the green sauce should you forgo at this point, for that should probably not simmer. Combineth thine sauce and meat and garlic, and let it simmer overeth low for a while. I shall not sayeth how long for that is of personal preference, and is always different for different sauces. Just cooketh it until it smells good and looketh right.
Then, thine spices thou shalt add. I liketh oregano and basil, but thine own choices thou must make. Some like it hot with the powder from the pepper. Others like to add a bit of wine. I have heard tale of those that addeth the spice of Cinnemon to theirs. Whatever pleaseth thine senses. When the sauce tasteth right, cover and simmer thou thine sauce over very low heat.
Meanwhile, in thine pot put thou thine noodles. I find the ring made by thumb and forefinger to be about right for one person to eat. Add thou enough noodle to feed all, then a little more for unexpected guests or seconds. To thine noodle addeth thou thine salt, for it maketh the water to boil hotter. Fill thine pot with water pure. I know that they usually say cold, but unless thou livith in a very old house with very old plumbing then the water hot shall speed thine cooking.
Boil thine noodle until al dente. Do not throweth thine noodle against yon wall to test it's doneness. That be disgusting and not that great working anyway. Insteadith, fishith out but a single strand and take it between teeth. When it feelith right, then the noodle be cooked. Strain the hot water from thine noodle and place them upon plates for all. Ladle sauce over top, and serveth while hot. While the cheese of the green tin is often used, it is not that more expensive nor doeseth it cost much more to grate some of your own good cheese overith thine pasta. Take a moment to appreciate His Noodly bounty before thou devourist thine food with great gusto.
When eating thine noodles, it is strongly recommended to twirl thine fork in a circle, for this draws the spaghetti up unto the tines. Some choose to do so with the spoon, though I have never seen need for that. But hey, if it worketh for thou. Most people find the slurping of a long noodle to be somewhat odious, however, I findith that it be more annoying, for thou doeseth push the sauce off the end of thine noodle, giving thou a big blob on thine lips after the sucking doeth finish. Instead, useith thine teeth (He did creatith thou with them for a reason, you knoweth!) to bite off the offending end, letting it droppeth upon thine plate.
Offend not thine guests. Drink heartily (I recommendeth a good Italian red. A Chianti, perchance), and exchange witty banter and welcome complements of thine guests, and they shall rain it upon you, their... theiurine... thu... Their Chef.

-rAmen.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Of the Order of Saint MacAroni and the Holy Pilgrimage
As transcribed by Paul, posted by PE

1. Mathias! I must write to thee of a most glorious experience.
2. A single shining being appeared to me last night with angelic hair and a shield like a ripe tomato.
3. “I am the Arch-Angle of Engle Land sent from the Merciful Spaghedeity to give to the world, through you, the location and instructions of sacred pilgrimage of the Beer Volcano.”
4. Didst my ears deceive me? Could it be that the Noodley one had dispatched one of his own legion to reveal his divine truth.
5. “That’s Angle as in Anglo Saxon. Fear not, it is pronounced with a hard G.”

6. I must tell you, my friend, though the Great Pirate Viking said ‘fear not’, I still shatted my pants thoroughly.
7. “For it is written, in the Gospel of the Church of the FSM, given from the Prophet Himself, that on the Second Day of Creation the Noodley One created the Beer Volcano.”
8. “But on the Third Day, hung over like a Mofo, He yet again created land, which we call Earth. With the presence of both He was forced to uproot the Rock of Life Giving Grog into what is now Heaven.”
9. “I know of this legend,” I told the Angle, “But no Pirate, though they have sailed the seas and cross the fields of Earth, has found the spot of this mythical place.”
10. “But O! There is Truthiness in what I will reveal to you.” And the Viking raised his mighty sword and I shatted once more.”
11. “In Dublin at the Guinness Factory called St James Gate, a monument, holy to Pirates of both Cooked and Uncooked Pasta, has been built in the form of a tower!”
12. “The true nature of this tower “, he shouted, “has been kept in secret through millennia by the secret Viking Order of Saint MacAroni, the Greatest of Ginger Pirates!” And he brought his sword once more to rest.
13. And he continued, “The bar, a shrine at the top of the tower, is a holy place that serves beer straight from the gorges that fed the first Beer Volcano.”
14. “This shrine will only be with you for a thousand years more, following the appearance of the Prophet. So the Sauciest One has proclaimed.”
15. “This is the greatest news! How fortunate we are!” I shouted… and accidentally shatted myself in my excitement.
16. “For this reason you will circumambulate the bar at the top of the tower, for it is arbitrarily pleasing to the FSM, and shake hands with all within this shrine.”
17. “His Noodliness demands of his followers three complete circumambulations of the great shrine, and upon completion the pious shall utter the sacred Pirate’s Prayer:
Hail Marinara, full of grease
The hoard is with thee.
Pray for our dinners, now
and for the freshness of our breath. Ramen.

18. “And it is promised that for every pint of beer bought for a stranger with both good will and good conversation, a thousand kegs will be given in return at the Heavenly Beer Volcano!”
19. “For the Spaghedeity knows it really sucks meatballs to drink alone. Therefore He wishes all his creatures to share that which brings us closer together: beer.”
20. “In His Name, Ramen!”
21. And in an explosion of purest sauce, the Viking Angle was gone… and I shatted my pants once more…for good measure.
22. I hope this letter finds you well and you are able to help spread this amazing call to pilgrimage to St. James Gate at the Guinness Factory.
23. My best wishes in Beer and Pasta.