Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[pieces o'nine]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard:

Madam, forsooth thee local pyrate-er-tv company be airing a commercial shewing forth pirate regalia in a bad light. One heartily resents thee assumption that donning an eyepatch be thee result o'foolishness in flossie landlubber sports, rather than a badge of honor from hand-to-hand combat with murdering Spaniards in Port Royal. One also objects t'thee implication that an novice wearer of eyepatches should expect to get his booty kicked by unemployed landlubber yabos, and not even in an alley after dark in the mean streets of Portsmouth!

What would you suggest as the most efficacious method to help these executives see the light?

sinserely,
Errol Flynn, cabbin bouy,
thee Mad Moggie's Revenge

[Griffin]

Dear Auntee

Oi can't h'understand a word that Errol Flynch says. If he wants ter see the light, tell 'im ter 'old it up higher.

Yours

Capn' Old-Treadworthy

[black bart]

Arrr...be Errol in poseshun of a big shiny one wot glows in thee dark?

[pieces o'nine]

^ ...oi never sees thee loight an tells...

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Deer anti ,
Whare Arr ye ?
And wot wuz thee passwerd to thee nest?
Oi fergetted .
Agun .
Yarr.

[Roland Deschain]

Dear anti,

We be missin' ye, an' me crew wot oi picked up in Southampton 'as taken ter mutiny if ye don't return an' answer their problem, wot is "'Ow do we cook fish 'ead stoo without thee bilge water?"

Lookin' forward ter no mutiny,

Cap'n Deschain

[black bart]

Deer anti ,
Whare Arr ye ?
And wot wuz thee passwerd to thee nest?
Oi fergetted .
Agun .
Yarr.

I think I've forgetted as well! We'll have to consult Dave L.

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Ye daft bugger Bart...only the hoi polloi get access to my inner sanctum...an why are you wearin a Bilge Rat on yer head?

[Griffin]

Aaargh! Auntie

That be no bilge rat - it be a weavilii gargantuum on BB's h'ed.

Oi werent goin ter comment on it, but seein as ye 'ave...

Mind yu, it be the rest o' the h'ed witch really puzzles me!

Yoyrs
Capn' Bletherin-Treadmill

[black bart]

Dear Auntie

I purchased this hat in good faith orf a chap named Buck...er Buckshot McHiggins of Thee North West Trappers Companee, Vancoover. It does make me head a bit itchee an thee tail tends ta flick infront of yer eyes in a Gale renederin ye temprarilee blind...but it keeps me ears warm much better than any bandana.

I can ave a word wiv McHiggins if ye fancies some furry underwear.

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Oh deer me , oi wake frum a luverly nap an' wot duz oi fine ?
Corked bottles all asunder wiffin me nest!
An' scarcely a drop of rum in any of em !
Just paper and rags scribbled wiff all sorts of yakkitty gobblygook .
I'll get to them soon me drearys .
Time for a wee nap , oi be a wee tard affer chasing down Neffew an' tying 'im up.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Me Deer Andi Bakbord ,

umm ...uh...thet itch ...err... et be bak ... wot offarr poshuns ye haz?

Yers trooly , Blak Barrt ove thee Big Brenda

[Ravi Oli]

umm ...uh...thet itch ...err... et be bak ... wot offarr poshuns ye haz?

Yers trooly , Blak Barrt ove thee Big Brenda

Ye art indeed mad Willyum if ye use poshuns brewed speschully fer bart! All o'us knows 'e be a 'opless case an' Auntie troies stuff on 'im thart wuld othawoise kill a brown dog! Jest sayin'....

[black bart]

Dear Auntie

I thinks I must ave drunk some salty water...I appears ta be avin a split personalitee wot keeps writin in wivout me knowin about it.

What are all these poshuns ye keeps sendin me for me alhedged skin condishuns?

As far as I know I aint had thee plague since last summer an I looks pretty good if ye compares me to thee rest o me croo.

PS. Please don't send me any more Leeches as they are escapin an gettin in thee Stooo!

[Griffin]

Dear Auntie Little Black Dress

Oi bin 'avin 'orribul noitmairs that Oi be wun o' BB's multipul personalytees.

'ELP!

Yrs Trly
Cap'n Bletherin-Treadmill Lord