Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[Roland Deschain]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Thee boxes that oi be puttin' on me deck aren't allowin' me plants ter grow whoile at sea. Oi put 20 of 'em on deck, an' filled 'em wiv Petunias, but they not be growing roight. Do ye 'ave any advice on what oi should be doin' whoile at sea, so as ter make sure me Petunias don't be sufferin'? Oi been waterin' 'em as suggested, an' feedin' 'em wiv crushed weevils, but ter no avail. Oi be at me wits' end!

Cap'n Deschain

[Griffin]

Dear Auntie Blackmoustache

Me mother went and died the other night. Oi be wonderin' about buryin' her at sea, being as the landlubber family be makin' such a fuss abowt all the arrangements. H'it occured ter me, Oi culd kidnap the body from the h'undertakers, toss her over the side o me boat, and be done with it. Me questiun is, shuld Oi discuss this wi'v me family first, or jest get on wiv' it?

Yours Cap'n Heeve Ho (bereaved)

[Ravi Oli]

Griffin Oi'd let thee landlubber relachuns 'ave 'er cremated... then ye can spread 'er to thee 7 Seas. Sheed loike that much better than 'avin 'er urn up on thee mantle fer 'er to hendure yarrrrrrrs ov reruns an' late night B movies on thee telly.

[black bart]

Ye should a sold her to thee Aztecs years ago...missed a chance of a share of Eldorado an no mistake.

[DavidH]

Have the landlubber famlee cremaytid and do what ye fancy with yer mum.

[pieces o'nine]

Yarrr, Capn DavidH speakes sensibull, loike.
Arrrgh condolences arrrgh sinsear e'en hif we be in thee pyrates seckshun.

[black bart]

Sorry Auntie

All this talk o mummies as made me think for a minute about me dear ol ma over there in Aztec Land...at least I knows she's bein well looked arter. As much chocolate as she can eat, gold earrings by the bucket load and Lama Skin underwear.

[ChowMein]

Have the landlubber famlee cremaytid and do what ye fancy with yer mum.

*Humpfff*

Wayst ove perfikly goode meet if ye arsk me .

[black bart]

Have the landlubber famlee cremaytid and do what ye fancy with yer mum.

*Humpfff*

Wayst ove perfikly goode meet if ye arsk me .

Arr they've never been cast adrift fer days wivout food nor drink matey...wiv onlee a plump cabin boy fer comapanee....who starts ta look more an more loik a roast chicken.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Deer Anti BleeckBeer ,

Oi hasa fren dat be wun ove thee layzeyist pyritz oi noes . His shup bea mess an' shorely bein neede ove repARRRRs .
He sais he needes a wip kraken wench ta moof his butt .
Kin ye sind me a lusty , busty wun ?

Oim shore he gunna preshate et .

fank ye ye welkum , yer Willy

argh

[Griffin]

Have the landlubber famlee cremaytid and do what ye fancy with yer mum.

Aaaargh! That be the most sencible advice wot I bin give. H'onlee the h'undertakhers be creatin' a bit o' fuss wot wiv sendin' the landlubbers h'up in flames. They be askin' an arm and a leg for it, shuld Oi give 'em me mum's?

Cap'n Heeve Ho (bereaved)

ps. thank ee kindly P09 fer yer condolenses,

[DavidH]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Oi got a problum. Oi got a pyrit called Black Bart sittin in me cabin, drinkin all me beer. What do I do?

Bewildered of Hereford.

[daftbeaker]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Oi got a problum. Oi got a pyrit called Black Bart sittin in me cabin, drinkin all me beer. What do I do?

Bewildered of Hereford.

Go and have a chat with those nice blokes in Credenhill and mention that this Bart fellow is a Brazilian electrician who's planning a trip to Gibraltar. The problem should be resolved quite quickly

Alternatively, tell him that all the sheep are on the other side of the border. The issue should solve itself

[DavidH]

Funny thing you should mention sheep, db - for some reason they've all moved to the far field this morning.

[TwistedSister]

Funny thing you should mention sheep, db - for some reason they've all moved to the far field this morning.

Maybe they know you are feeling "frisky" today Dave.