just a rough draft, so comments and criticisms welcome. also, it was a bitch, but the sanskrit is accurate. just thought I'd brag a bit.
(Song of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)
Chapter 1 – Observing the Armies – Jñāna/Knowledge Yoga
On the Field of Kurukṣetra, two groups of cousins, the Pāṇḍavas and the Kurus, and their allies, had assembled their armies for battle (the reason for the war being irrelevant to the story). The Flying Spaghetti Monster, only slightly drunk that day, decided that He should probably prevent the oncoming bloodshed. So He disguised Himself as Kṛṣṇa, the servant and charioteer of Arjuna, a hero of the Pāṇḍavas.
Arjuna, who was not a dumbass, ordered Kṛṣṇa to drive his chariot around the battlefield so he could see what he was getting into. Seeing friends and relatives amongst the Kuru army, he became overwhelmed with compassion and said, “I do not see how any good can come from killing my own kinsmen and cherished friends in this battle, nor can I, my dear Kṛṣṇa, desire any subsequent victory, kingdom, or happiness. Why should I kill for earthy rewards or even at the request of our Lord Glob? There is absolutely no reason for it. Sorry man, but I gotta run for it.”
“You’re god damn right you should run,” said Kṛṣṇa, “And you’re freakin’ right that killing is wrong. Morality is common sense. True knowledge is going on that common sense. Everyone possesses that knowledge, but you must act on the knowledge, unlike your fellow warriors here.”
“Oh,” replied Arjuna, “I figured you would try to talk me into fighting since everyone is truly an immortal soul and therefore killing is ok.”
Kṛṣṇa said, “Nope.”
Chapter 2 – The Stress of the Decision – Praṇava/Yum Yoga
“Those are wise words Kṛṣṇa, but I still worry about running away. I’ll look like a pansy,” said Arjuna, “While I do agree it is the right decision, it nonetheless is a tough one and I’m very stressed because of it. Tell me, humble servant, what shall I do?”
Kṛṣṇa replied, “In times of stress, one can meditate. This involves reciting the mantras, either aloud in a group (kirtan) or quietly to oneself (japa). The mantras are simple, easy to remember phrases that when recited, brings the FSM into one’s mind. In doing so you’ll laugh, and feel better about your problems, even in the face of death, or worse, embarrassment. Here are a few mantras:
Yum (युम्) is the sacred syllable, the praṇava, a sonic manifestation of the FSM. Saying this great mantra is to come into contact with the FSM Himself as His noodly appendages pervade all matter, including sound. Yum is the purest of all matter as it represents an entire divine meal. The ‘y’ represents the ordering from the menu and the anticipation of the meal. One decides what he wants in life and must wait patiently to achieve it. The ‘u’ represents the joy at receiving the meal. The great happiness one gets at finally achieving their goal. The ‘m’ represents the eating of the meal. This is one’s enjoyment of life. The silence following represents the fulfillment, reminiscing about the meal, and feeling happy.
The Pāramitā Mantra: ‘Oh, Man, Pāsta, Yum!’ ( ओमान्पास्तयुम् )
This mantra was lost for ages, only to be recently revealed by Pious Pirate and Pedantic Pastrian Priest. It is also very pure as it contains the four Pastafarian Pāramitās, or perfections. The ‘Yum’ is a given. ‘Pāsta’ represents the FSM and ‘Man’ represents humanity. Note that ‘Man’ comes before ‘Pāsta’. Lastly, ‘Oh’ reflects the awesomeness of the relationship between man and FSM, and the great power of the sacred syllable.
The Saptakṣara Mantra: ‘Yum Namaḥ Śrī Vermicelli’
(‘Yum, adoration to Lord Vermicelli.’ युम्नमःश्रीवेर्मिचेल्लि )
A simple mantra, basically straight-up praise of the FSM. Lord Vermicelli is one of His many names, representing His love of even the lowly worm.
The Maha Mantra: ‘Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Abhuva Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Abhuva
Abhuva Abhuva Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā
Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Rāman Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Rāman
Rāman Rāman Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā Pacata-supiṣṭam-guṇā’
(‘Spaghetti Monster Spaghetti Monster पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणाअभुवपचतसुपिष्टम्गुणाअभुव ।
Monster Monster Spaghetti Spaghetti अभुवअभुवपचतसुपिष्टम्गुणापचतसुपिष्टम्गुणा ।
Spaghetti Rāman Spaghetti Rāman पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणारामन्पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणारामन् ।
Rāman Rāman Spaghetti Spaghetti’ रामन्रामन्पचतसुपिष्टम्गुणापचतसुपिष्टम्गुणा ॥ )
Rāman is one of the names of the FSM when he came down to Earth in for His līlās, which includes warfare and screwing around in the woods. English, a language descended from the Holy tongue of the Pirates, also has inherited features from the Indo-European languages, like Sankrit, hence, the RAmen. Or something. Oh, and on the topic of English and Sanskrit, it’s advised you recite this mantra in English, cause it’s a freaking mouthful (totally though about making a pasta pun there) in Sanskrit.
The Gayatri Mantra: ‘Yum tat jūrī vareṇyaṃ
bhargo devasya dhīmahi
jaṭhara yo naḥ pracodayāt’
(‘May we attain that excellent glory of Salivation the God: युम्तत्जूरीर्वरेण्यं ।
So may He stimulate our stomachs.’ भर्गो देवस्यधीमहि ।
जठरयोनःप्रचोदयात् ॥ )
Salivation is another name of the FSM, for obvious reasons. This mantra is a request for Him to make you hunger for the divine meal.
The Sūpa Mantra: ‘Aśanā mā satkāra gamaya
Satyo mā asat gamaya
Mṛtyor mā yavirā-nagna-janatāu gamaya
Yum sūpa sūpa sūpa’
(‘From hunger, lead me to feasting, अशनामासत्कारगमय ।
From truth, lead me to ignorance. सत्योमाअसत्गमय ।
From death, lead me to beer and strippers, मृत्योमायविरानग्नजनताउगमय ।
Yum, sauce, sauce, sauce.’ युम्सूपसूपसूप ।। )
I’m actually pretty proud of this one.
Chapter 3 – Do Your Duty – Parma Yoga
“Ok, that’s cool,” said Arjuna, “I won’t fight and now you’ve taught me hope to cope with that, but what about my friends and family? They’re gonna fight and get their asses killed.”
Kṛṣṇa thought for a few minutes, “Oh, I’ve got it! It is your duty to help them too. Now, this duty is not divinely given. I don’t have the time or energy to work out everyone’s fate and purpose in life. You gotta work that out for yourself with common sense and reason; though helping people out is always a good route.”
“Wait, are you saying you’re the Flying Spaghetti Monster?” asked Arjuna.
“Yeah dude, long story,” Kṛṣṇa replied, “Don’t worry about it. Anyway, you should do your duty, or in other words, figure out how to live a good life and follow through. But I advise against seeking reward for your actions (action is a translation of the Sanskrit word ‘parma’ (not ‘karma’ (the word ‘karma’ stems from an ancient typo))). Like, don’t help a lady friend move and then expect to get laid. That’s a dick move. Therefore, don’t be concerned with the fruits of your actions, the cheese of your parma (parmesan, as it were (Indians are Cheesites and so this is the FSM’s crappy attempt at wit)). However, I realize that this whole detachment thing is tough, and one might still have some interest in the results of his/her/it’s parma, as well as the fact that you need to be mindful of the consequences of what you do. To analogize, your pasta tastes just fine without any parmesan and probably better on your waistline anyway. But it tastes even better if you sprinkle a little bit on. But it tastes like crap if you dump a whole heap of parmesan on your meal. Though I guess it’s ok if you help people for your own personal gain if the Utilitarian’s are right…I dunno, I’m losing my train of thought. But do you kinda see what I’m getting at?”
“Yeah, probably. Don't be a douche, moderation's good, nobody's perfect,” said Arjuna, “Hold up for second man, I’m gonna go stop the battle.” He ran between the two armies and shouted, “Holy shit guys! Don’t kill each other! It’s stupid!”
“That sounds about right,” said one warrior. “Yeah, let’s go watch a movie or something,” said another. “Maybe Green Lantern?” said a third warrior. “I dunno, it’s getting terrible reviews,” said yet another. “Yeah, but Ryan Reynolds is pretty awesome,” said a fifth. “True, true,” said a sixth man. And so everyone started walking off towards the movie theater.
Chapter 4 – A Critique of the Yogas of the Misguided Ones
“Oh, if I can just offer one last teaching in an extra chapter that’ll make this text feel a little awkward and disjointed,” Kṛṣṇa said to Arjuna as they walked, “There are three other schools of yoga that I think aren’t exactly good. Dhyāna yoga (meditation yoga) isn’t great because it requires you to shut your brain down, which I think is ill-advised. Brains are important. Karma yoga (action yoga) requires you to be a pious person, which, and you know me, is not something I’m real big on. Bhakti yoga (devotion yoga) requires you to be blindly devoted to me, but let’s be honest, I’m totally not worthy of devotion. I’m a drunk, I’ve accidentally smited people, I have a huge ego, and I’m a moron. If you really want, by all means, practice those yogas. I’m just saying, that personally, I think they’re not worth the time and effort.”
“Ok,” said Arjuna.