Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Mon May 09, 2011 10:09 pm

Speak to me with only LOUD YELLING from a GREAT DISTANCE!

For I have in my possession a very UNNOODLY OBJECT indeed!

Yes, I have an object which seems to be POSSESSED by some CRUEL, PERVERTED SPIRIT or DEMON of some sort!

I found this stone in my yard today.

Image

A cursory examination will reveal that the rock is smirking at you. No, those facial features are not drawn on in marker. Those are natural marks upon this stone.

I strongly believe this rock to be possessed by some sort of demon or spirit, which is a pedophile. Most likely it is the spirit of one of those dead Catholic clergymen, or a one of those Mormon polygamists with the harems of underage girls.

Why?

I'll tell you why.

I found this stone while doing yardwork. I picked it up and noticed the face. To ensure I was not hallucinating again, I showed my mother and her fiance. They saw it too. I placed it in my pocket.

I went inside and sat down in a comfy rocking chair to watch some news. Not one, but two people, a prominent real estate developer and a recently deceased doctor, had been accused of raping children today!

Coincidence? Maybe.

We went out for ice cream for dinner, after our long day of yardwork was done. At the ice cream shop, as we ate ice cream in our truck, a van full of teenaged girls from a nearby private school arrived. They looked to be about 15-16 years old. Suddenly, they began pulling down each other's pants! The elderly gentlemen, in their 80s, in the vehicle next to ours stared transfixed, mouths agape! The stone was in my pocket this whole time. It was corrupting both our youth AND our elderly!

Now this alone might not be indication that the stone is evil. They're teenagers, and teenagers are rambunctious. I understand that. However, there's more to the story. Here's the part that indicates the true nature of this horrid stone...

As I often do, I was browsing what was one of my favorite prurient websites tonight, the rock still in my pocket. Normally, the site is filled with links to free sample galleries from "reputable" (as far as that word applies to this industry) websites. However, tonight, as I clicked the various links, I was bombarded with page after page of grody CHILD PORN! :barf: I was shocked! I had never had this problem with this website, until I put that rock in my pocket! Needless to say I will never return to that website again. It's such a shame, and I firmly believe it is because of this smirking, demonic stone that one of my favorite sites was ruined.

So what is to be done with this cursed stone?

I could throw it out into the woods near my house, and it won't trouble me anymore. However, I live next door to an elementary school. What if a child should find it and take it home? That would be unconscionable.

I could find some way to destroy it. This might break the curse. However, I am an avid collector of pet rocks, and it does not sit well with me that I should destroy an innocent rock. After all, it is the demonic spirit that is evil, not the rock it so cruelly possesses. Anyway, even if I could destroy it, the spirit might travel to another rock, perhaps even one of MY beloved rocks!

So there's only one alternative.

-----

We are a religious organization, after all. A church.

What do religious organizations do when they find someone or something possessed by a demon?

That's right. They EXORCISE it, and return the spirit whence it came.

So, here's the question, and here's why it's posted in the Scripture and Lore forum.

How, exactly, does a Pastafarian go about conducting an exorcism on a possessed rock?

This is interesting to me, as a member of the Third Council of Olive Garden. Presently we in the Council are attempting to compile the various rituals, among other things, that Pastafarians practice. Exorcism rituals, I believe, could be an excellent addition to our collection. Of course, in this case, they may also be direly important, for this rock, for myself, and for the world.

Do we need candles? Do we wrap the fiendish stone in linguini? Bathe it in the spiciest, garlicful pasta sauce we can concoct? Any particular prayers? What do we do? Tell us! This stone's very LIFE is on the line!

-----

As for me, for now, I'll be avoiding Internet pornography, to avoid corrupting any more of my favorite sites with this demon's vile influences. Good thing I've already collected a sizeable stash of buxom, ADULT wenches so lovely they may very well have descended unto the Earth from the LORD Flying Spaghetti Monster's own Stripper Factory in Heaven! :lech:

May ye all be Touched by His Noodly Appendage, and FSMspeed!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
Image
User avatar
Almighty Doer of Stuff
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1940
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:13 am
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby pieces o'nine on Mon May 09, 2011 11:27 pm

Oi wreckomends holdin it hunder waterrrgh, loike, huntil it be fully baptized, or confesses its sins.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
User avatar
pieces o'nine
Look Upon Her Works, Ye Migyt, and Despair!
 
Posts: 8615
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2007 9:21 am
Location: Ocean o'Sand

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Mon May 09, 2011 11:29 pm

In my experience, an evil spirit is quite unable to hang around where it is unwanted.

There must be no doubt at all that it is unwanted, no-one in the immediate vicinity of the possessed object that may feel ambivalence towards its continued possession.

So, making sure you are all alone with the object, just summon all your disgust with the possessing spirit and utter the words that you would usually use* to send away any other annoyance. It won't be back.


*I find "Piss off!" to be perfectly adequate; you may prefer something stronger, but equally pithy (don't be tempted into a dialogue with it!).
User avatar
Tigger_the_Wing
She Who Gets It
 
Posts: 4388
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:44 pm
Location: Pyrate of the Canberrean

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue May 10, 2011 12:54 am

You could get rid of it like you would any other unwanted acquaintance who hung around past their welcome. Well, perhaps not any other, but there's always the entertaining option of annoying them so much that they'll leave of their own accord. So whenever your possessed object is around, be sure to tell bad jokes, go on about funny little things that happened to you again and again, forgetting that you already told these stories, having loud bodily functions, if possible, and any other creative ideas you might come up with.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


Any statistical increase in the usage of the :idiot: emoticon since becoming Admin should not be considered significant, meaningful, or otherwise cause for worry.
User avatar
Qwertyuiopasd
Admirable Admiral Qwerty
 
Posts: 14353
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Northern Virginia

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby DavidH on Tue May 10, 2011 7:34 am

I fear the only effective method is to undertake a perilous trudge to Mount Doom and chuck it down a fiery crack. :shocked:
Image
User avatar
DavidH
Tagliatelle Trainee Monk
 
Posts: 4434
Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:23 pm
Location: Herefordshire, Western England

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Tue May 10, 2011 7:52 am

EDIT: Curses! DavidH posted before I got mine in! This is in response to Qwerty.

Hey, I know someone who does that anyway! Maybe I should leave it with Ashley's uncle!

I don't know how I could explain to him why I know it's possessed though. :idiot:

I think I'll try Qwerty's method, but there's definitely got to be more to it than that. After all, remember how stubborn Christian child molesters are! They get shuffled around to other churches, or they gather heavily armed followers to defend their fortified ranches against the authorities! A few bad jokes alone wouldn't stop a spirit that resilient!

Come on, people! You can be more creative than that!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
Image
User avatar
Almighty Doer of Stuff
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1940
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:13 am
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Roy Hunter on Tue May 10, 2011 7:56 am

DavidH wrote:I fear the only effective method is to undertake a perilous trudge to Mount Doom and chuck it down a fiery crack. :shocked:
Chuck it down a fiery crack? Wait until Big Brenda has had a curry the night before, and is wearing hipster jeans? Plan.

Do we need to set up a Fellowship of the Rock? I nominate daftbeaker: he's more of a hobble than a hobbit, but close enough in my book. Also, Bart has an elf, I believe. I would nominate myself as a dwarf, but I'm probably not best suited to the task. Any other takers?
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
User avatar
Roy Hunter
If it's not Scottish, it's crap.
 
Posts: 15793
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2008 6:13 pm
Location: It's the place where you are, but that's not important right now.

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Tue May 10, 2011 9:02 am

Oh! Another thing!

I took the rock to bed with me last night. I figured I couldn't leave it unattended, or the spirit might run amok. I held it firmly in my hand the whole night.

But!

When I awoke...

My hand was completely numb! I could still clutch the rock, but I could not feel my hand, my fingers, or the rock!

The demon must have been struggling against my efforts to restrain it!

Of course, when I took the stone to bed, I was afraid that it would cause me to have awful, sinister dreams. So I took my new dragon, who is a Dream Weaver (like in Spyro the Dragon), to protect me, and indeed, I instead had a dream about an evil religious cult who took power by force in the state of Massachusetts, and forced everyone to watch corny, racist, old Broadway shows all day.

So here's a possible exorcism ritual, to get everyone's creative juices flowing.

-----

Of course, as followers of His Noodliness, we must first don our finest Pirate Regalia. This is key. As we know, the FSM doesn't always respond to prayers right away, even if one is wearing pirate regalia; if one is not in the holy garb, He may even outright ignore you.

(I suggest having a jug of clean water and a fine-toothed comb handy as well, if you are exorcising a human. You'll see why.)

Next, the possessed object or person must be restrained, and surrounded by a ring of garlic. One may use garlic salt if that is all one has, although whole cloves arranged in a circle would probably be ideal. In fact, if you happen to have a particularly powerful demon on your hands, and a pile of whole bulbs, you may even arrange those in a circle for extra effect.

While you are dressed in pirate regalia and the victim is restrained in a circle of garlic, it is time to boil a package of instant ramen noodles. These noodles must be cooked VERY well. Al dente is wonderful if the noodles are for consumption, however, in this case, they need to be soft, mushy, and sticky, so as to cling forcefully to the possessed victim.

If the possessed is a stone, idol, or other firm, inanimate object, then it is highly beneficial to imbue the noodles with obnoxious amounts of spices while boiling. However, if the possessed is something like a teddy bear that would absorb the spices and be ruined, or a human who does not have immediate access to a shower (for instance, public exorcisms), then I suggest you leave out the spices, and don't add the flavoring packet either.

Now, after the noodles are mushy and sticky, but still recognizable as noodles, they must be drained thoroughly. Then, the noodles must be refrigerated, and made cold. This serves two purposes: one, if you're performing public exorcisms, this allows you to boil the noodles beforehand, and bring them with you in a cooler, and two, it increases the unpleasantness that arises as a result of the next step.

This is the pivotal step. You must be VERY careful during this step, as you will be directly confronting the possessive demon. The exorcist must ENTER the ring of garlic, intruding upon the demon's space, and sprinkle the cold, sticky noodles upon the victim. At this point, the victim might cry out, "AAAUUGH! It's clammy and gross! Get it off me!" However, you must be FIRM! This is the DEMON being REPULSED by contact with the Holiest Food of the LORD! The victim must still be restrained! Once the noodles are clinging to the victim, then the bad jokes must commence, forcing the victim to participate (knock knock jokes, etc.) and not cease until the victim has been freed from the clutches of the evil spirit!

Finally, the possessed person or object has been released! At this point, celebration is in order. Release the former victim from the restraints, use the jug of water and fine-toothed comb to extract the noodles from the former victim's hair, if necessary, and, if applicable, present them with a gift of something Holy, such as a package of noodles, a bandanna, or an eyepatch, to help ward off repossession in the future. Verily, the Power of His Noodly Appendage is great!

Ramen!

-----

So, does anyone else have any good ideas? We really want to hear them!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
Image
User avatar
Almighty Doer of Stuff
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1940
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:13 am
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue May 10, 2011 12:51 pm

ADoS, u totally got me beat on the fun factor. I actually plan on performing free exorcisms at school next semester, so here's what I had in mind for a practical ritual

An Exorcism Ritual: A Catechism of the Rutgers Pastafarians (Rough Draft)
As authorized by Captain Jeff Cupo, Privateer of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Fleet

1) You must be authorized by the FSM or one of His agents as a holy woman/man/robot/space monster/supermonkey in order to perform an exorcism on a possessed person (exorcisms on possessed objects are possible too, but more difficult). Authorization can be accomplished through four methods.
a) You can become a prophet. You must receive scripture through revelation, and if successful, it means the FSM has accepted you.
b) You can become a captain. You must gather a congregation, and again, if you are successful, you have been accepted by the FSM.
c) You can become a minister. You must receive certification through an agent of the FSM. The most practical method is receiving certification from the Prophet Bobby, greatest of the prophets.
d) You can become a priest. You must pray to the FSM asking Him Himself for authorization, and offer a sacrifice too if you're not too busy. Don't worry if He doesn't answer, as He's probably sleeping off His booze binge from last night, but you're accepted anyway.

2) It is well known that the Dark Lord Darwin, the adversary of the FSM, is responsible for all possessions (excluding those accidentally committed by the FSM). The possessee has been deceived by Darwin's Science and has fully accepted it as true. Therefore, the first half of the remedy to possession is providing the possessee with true knowledge. There are three steps involved.
a) Have the possessee stand within a ring of pasta, as Darwin is incapable of passing such a holy barrier. This is to ensure that once the possessee receives true knowledge, Darwin cannot come back to reenlighten the possessee.
b) Read the possessee scripture involving the evil ways of Darwin and the manner in which he deceives good people. We recommend Chapter 2 of Darwin's Purge or The Sermon on the Mall 1:14-16.
3) Show the possessee a picture of the Crocoduck. This demonstrates the pure ridiculousness of Darwin's Deception of Evolution.

3) Now that true knowledge is planted in the mind of the possessee, you must appeal to the FSM for support to finish the job. This consists of three to four steps.
a) Partake of the sacrament. Both you and the possessee will need full spiritual strength, so you must have a divine substance in your stomach, the Holy of Holies. The sacrament includes pasta, rum, beer, and/or fish head stew.
b) You must then pray. Any of the prayers and some appropriate pastalms will do. Use your judgment in choosing and repeat as needed. Also, if not holding the Loose Canon to read off of, your hands should be placed in the standard prayer position, ie, cross your thumbs above the rest of your hand, representing His eyestalks. Your fingers are spread out to represent His noodles, while the rest of you hand represents His meatballs.
c) The FSM is totally an idiot and trouble with the exorcism may arise. In such a case, feel free to improvise. Remember, you are an authorized holy woman/man/robot/space monster/supermonkey, so you're free to wing it.
d) Finish with the blessing, "Sauce be with you, RAmen," followed by the Sign of the Sauce. This entails gesturing with your pointer and middle finger to the left side of your chest, then to the right, representing His meatballs, and the zig-zag your hand around parallel to your chest, representing His noodles.

4) The former possessee is no longer possessed. Congrats.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
User avatar
Platypus Enthusiast
Tortellini Third Mate
 
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:21 am
Location: New Jersey: The Spaghetti State

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Almighty Doer of Stuff on Sun May 15, 2011 2:45 pm

Here's an update on the situation with the possessed rock, and a new exorcism method.

Step 1. Gather a comfy bed, the possessed person, creature, or item, and a magical dragon.
Step 2. Sleep in the bed while hugging the possessed and the magical dragon.
Step 3. When you awake, the possessed should be free!

The trouble is finding a suitable magical dragon. :idiot:

Here's mine:
Image

The purple one, Waldorf the dreamweaver, is the one responsible for exorcising the possessed rock, also pictured here. I have named the rock Maxwell, because he is very snotty, sarcastic, and annoying, and when I think "annoying" I think of my younger brother, who would ruin all of the pretending games my sister and I would play by forcing his way into them and adding his new character, "Max", who had no place in the stories.

(For those curious, the others are Adalbald the peacekeeper (the green dragon), Meacham the wobble-bird, Botty Dotty the robotic ladybug, the Ghoulish Tombstone (you can see its Munch-esque face if you look closely), the Byooniful Wock, Nifty Bob the computer, and Orbert Swineson, M.B.A., the pig.)

Anyway, even though my rock is no longer possessed, we still need more exorcism rituals from the congregation! Keep them coming! Yes, even if you're not on the Council yourself! ESPECIALLY so, in fact!
!!!@#@#@#@#@!!! CAUTION: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT. DISREGARD ANY APPEALS TO AUTHORITY, EXPERIENCE, OR ROMANTIC PROWESS. ANY CORRECT INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THIS MAN IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. !!!@#@#@#@#@!!!
-------------------------------
The Almighty Website of Stuff
-------------------------------
Download The Loose Canon, a deliciously holy book compiled by members of Our Noodly Lord's congregation!
-------------------------------
Image
User avatar
Almighty Doer of Stuff
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1940
Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2007 8:13 am
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby daftbeaker on Tue May 17, 2011 8:59 pm

Roy Hunter wrote:Do we need to set up a Fellowship of the Rock? I nominate daftbeaker: he's more of a hobble than a hobbit, but close enough in my book.

I can't believe I missed this :moon: I have been compared to a hobbit before, being short with hairy toes and liking beer and potatoes may have had something to do with it :idiot:
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything - Friedrich Nietzsche

But why is the rum gone?!
User avatar
daftbeaker
Help! I've fallen and can't get curry.
 
Posts: 11337
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2009 2:11 pm
Location: Surrey, England.

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Julius Aurora on Tue May 17, 2011 9:51 pm

daftbeaker wrote:
Roy Hunter wrote:Do we need to set up a Fellowship of the Rock? I nominate daftbeaker: he's more of a hobble than a hobbit, but close enough in my book.

I can't believe I missed this :moon: I have been compared to a hobbit before, being short with hairy toes and liking beer and potatoes may have had something to do with it :idiot:


I'm short and stout. Although my beard is not very impressive, I can be the dwarf.

Plus it gives me a chance to brush up on my axe skillz.
1. The cosmos is a gigantic flywheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute.
2. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it.
3. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him a ride.
- Henry Mencken

Diabolus fecit, ut id facerem!
User avatar
Julius Aurora
Gramigna Grand Admiral
 
Posts: 1046
Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:02 pm
Location: Reality

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby DavidH on Wed May 18, 2011 4:04 am

I am a good fit for Legless the Intoxicated Elf.
Image
User avatar
DavidH
Tagliatelle Trainee Monk
 
Posts: 4434
Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:23 pm
Location: Herefordshire, Western England

Re: Beware! Keep your distance from me!

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Wed May 18, 2011 6:05 am

^ :lol:

Could I be Galadriel? (The know-all granny-elf who, nevertheless, refuses the temptation of ultimate power).
User avatar
Tigger_the_Wing
She Who Gets It
 
Posts: 4388
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:44 pm
Location: Pyrate of the Canberrean


Return to Scripture and Lore

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests