Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

[Almighty Doer of Stuff]

I've written a new Epastle. It's more serious than the other one, and isn't written in pirate speak. I tried putting it in pirate speak, but it seemed forced, so I gave up.

A Letter From ADoS To the Mocked

1. It is an undeniable fact that being a follower of His Great Starchiness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in these times invites derision from those who have not been touched by His Noodly Appendages. 2. Indeed, a large part of the fun of our wonderful religion is watching our unquestioning, zealous opponents become riled up as we explain our points of view. 3. Some might even say that if it were not for the of these opponents, Our Saucy Lord's Noodly Embrace would have no draw for them. 4. Without the contempt of those who wish to force others to adhere to their own personal beliefs, they may feel that there would be no need for the elaborate, holy pirate outfits and debates and discussions with other science-minded folk; indeed, a satire with no object to parody can be inherently frivolous. 5. I certainly hope it never comes to pass that my fellow Pastafarians never need to feel this way, but nevertheless the sentiment is there. Until then, there is great joy and a great sense of comradery and community in being a Pastafarian, and the exaggeratedly angry reactions we recieve from stubborn nonbelievers enhances the entertainment of it quite a bit.

6. But what is a Pastafarian to do when the anger and irritation comes from our own loved ones? 7. As enjoyable as preaching our faith to the decidedly unamused can be, when a missionary must constantly face opposition at home as well as in the field, it can become tiring, and sadly, a Pastafarian (or a follower of any religion for that matter, although this letter focuses on His Noodliness's followers) may feel pressure to give up their faith in the name of domestic harmony.

8. I say to you, however, that there are other options. 9. There are, of course, the obvious two: either hide your faith completely from your loved ones so they will have nothing to deride, or cut those people out of your life altogether. 10. Neither of these options is ideal; in the former case you are now living a lie, which can be difficult for many people, and the latter case may be impossible depending on many factors such as age and financial status, and indeed it may be unwanted, because after all you love these people, even though they have differing religious viewpoints from you.

11. Sometimes, sadly, living a lie is the only choice. 12. For example, some parents' hearts may be so hardened against religious freethinking that expressing such sentiments invites immediate disownment, or even violence. 13. If this is the case for you, you have my sincerest sympathies, as well as those of all Pastafarians, I am quite certain. 14. Unfortunately, the best thing to do in this situation is probably to bide your time and attempt to achieve independence as soon as possible. 15. Also, VERY IMPORTANTLY, if you feel you are in immediate physical danger from your family (or anyone), I STRONGLY suggest you contact your local authorities and seek protection. 16. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a marvelous thing, but remember that nobody has ever died for it as of this letter, and it is NOT worth your life.

17. For those among us lucky to live not with lunatics but merely with curmudgeons, there is a fourth option, and that is continue to proudly show your faith even among your family who scorns it. 18. Your family may be good people who love you, but if they are like mine, they also seem to have lost their sense of humor, their sense of fun, and their childlike whimsy. 19. They may tell you that you are immature, that you need to "grow up", that you are behaving stupidly, or that you are an embarrassment. 20. I say that in this case, the best way to go about doing things is to continually strive to demonstrate your maturity, while also emphasizing that it's okay for mature adults to be silly, as long as it does not prevent you from achieving what you want and need to achieve in life. 21. And it is true! 22. Do not forget it! 23. If people cannot have fun except in ways sanctioned by those who define how fun something is by how acceptable it is in their social circles, then the world will quickly become very boring, very quickly. 24. One can only go so far on shopping, television, drinking, and sex. 25. Yes, they are all very enjoyable activities, and they are not activities I would begrudge anyone else by any means, but if they become the ONLY ways you can find to have fun, I must tell you that your life will seem to stagnate before very long.

26. The way to prevent your life from stagnating, as you may be told by those people who actually ENJOY their lives, rather than simply "dealing with" them (and yes, such people do exist, and they're not just the monetarily rich, believe it or not), is to find a hobby, or multiple hobbies. 27. There are many things to do that can be considered hobbies, and some are more traditional than others. 28. If you are reading this letter, then most likely, expressing your Pirattitude is one of those hobbies. 29. If your family is like mine, however, this hobby may not be acceptable to your miserly loved ones, who may prefer that you adopt a more "mature" hobby such as stamp collecting or model ship building. 30. Don't misunderstand me; ship building is of course a wonderful hobby for a pirate, as long as you fly a Jolly Roger on your miniature vessel. 31. But the fact is, it is not only impossible, but also very rude, to try to force someone to adopt a hobby they do not enjoy. 32. Different people take pleasure from different activities, and I tell you that if everyone in the world were to stick only to traditional hobbies and not come up with new, fun things to do, then global culture as whole would stagnate, much like the life of a hobbyless person.

33. So, as long as you have the option, I suggest that you should continue to be the person YOU want to be, not the person your family tells you to be, and continue to hold The Holy Meatball close to your heart. 34. As much as part of the goal of preaching our religion is the thrill of gaining new converts in unexpected places, so should you try (not too forcefully, mind you) to soften the hearts of those who are unable to let their facade of hardened adulthood drop for even a few moments. 35. If they will not bend, so be it, but at least you can say that you tried to help them and were true to yourself. 36. That is, after all, the spirit of being a pirate.

37. Have faith!

38. Ramen!

[Ham Nox]

:clapclapclapclapclap:

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Posting this here for your enjoyment

The Epistle of Roderick the Purser to the Orthodox Crew

1 Roderick Alan King, plunder of the Rutgers Pastafarians’ Pursership stores via luck and dexterity of tongue, member of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly, and friend of academic pursuit, share thus with international leaders of our congregations.
2 Let it be known that I parley ye, mateys, under the flag of His Noodliness, that ye all speak the same ideals, and there be no mutiny amongst ye; but realize that ye be stuck together with the same sauce.
3 His Noodliness sent me not to cook his sauce but to spread His cooking, lest He be consumed to no effect.
4 For the citizens require an eye-catching sign, and the Boards of Education seek after wisdom.
5 But we preach Intelligent Design Noodlified; unto the citizens a divide, and the Educators foolishness.
6 But His Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster hath chosen many things of the world to confound science and education, even though Bobby the Revealer showed only evolution global warming, and the fossil records to exemplify so.
7 Consider the lilies of the fields, parched in the summer heat, shattering in the summer winds, petals floating off into the blue.
8 These shards eventually fall to the ground. How so? Science and man hath found no satisfactory answer.
9 Consider a broad, cooked sheet of lasagna. A large meatball rests in the center, causing a bulge downwards that one could drop into. A smaller meatball rolleth
around in ellipses, perhaps even slowly spiraling inwards.
10 Consider also a strand of spaghetti hanging upside-down from a strainer. As time flows, the stick end comes off. The spaghetti falls into a wiggly blob, and falls as a whole string.
11 These are the irreconcilable theories of modern gravity, with sources and intrinsic natures of pastas causing an irreconcilable divide as to why things may fall towards the big meatball. But notice the commonalities shared- pasta and meatballs, causing actions which cannot be seen.
12 Let the crews of our universe so account of this, and understand how His unseen Noodley Appendages effect all of nature. Boats of belief should be made of sterner stuff, not simply the one plank of Intelligent Design.
13 Now, concerning the recruitment of such crew, as I hath commanded my mates and even Captain, so must ye.
14 See that other may share without despise, for even Ninja-Pirates bring truth with theories. Submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth.
15 For if there be help to the cause, then it may be appreciated. An open mind must be kept to prevent dogmatic danger. For it is written, “I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others”.


1 http://xkcd.com/326/

[StJason]

The Sermon Of St. Jason the Slightly Cynical on the Coast.

1. Arise, all who hear and rejoice! For I bring unto you the unbearable good news. 2. For it has been revealed by The Most Blessed Prophet, he whose name be Bobby, that we did not come to be here by accident or random selection of biological traits as thought before. 3. No longer are we chained by this line of observable logic and verifiable evidence. 4. Instead, I can tell to each and every one of you that you are a special snowflake, each unique and loved, with a special place in the universe made just for you. 5. And do you want to know the best part? You know when people die? 6. We used to think that they just stopped living, and were now a corpse without motivation. 7. Well, it's not true! 8. Instead, 9. it turns out that we are some sort of unseeable, untouchable, unfindable thing inside. 10. Kinda like a paddler in a canoe. 11. But when we die, it's just our bodies. 12. And the inside unfindable thing. 13. Which we will call a 'soul'. 14. No, not soul like Jazz singers got. 15. But this soul thing doesn't die. 16. It goes on to another place. 17. Which we can't see, or find, or touch, or prove by it's interactions with anything. 18. Not even by quantum interaction. 19. And this other place that our unfindable part goes on to, 20. It's like the best party ever. 21. There is a volcano which spews beer. 22. Not lava. 23. And strippers. 24. Lots. 25. There is actually a factory that mass produces them. 26. Boys and girls. 27. Or whatever. 28. Yes, I suppose there are horses too, if you really are into that kind of thing. 29. I'm not. 30. Eww. 31. Wait, where was I? 32. Oh, right. The other place. 33. Your 'soul'-thing goes there when you die. 34. And this world is only the test. 35. If you live up to some simple rules, you get to go to this heaven place. 36. Actually, even if you don't, you still do. 37. But you are stuck in the shabbier parts. 38. With crappy, flat beer. 39. And really ugly strippers. 40. And the rest of the douchebags who didn't listen. 41. And you don't want to hang out with them. 42. Assholes, every one. 43. Hey, that guy owes me twenty bucks! 44. So how do you get to this 'heavy' place? 45. 'Heaven', I mean? 46. You follow some simple rules. 47. Don't be a prick. 48. Be the best person you can. 49. Don't stop people from being the best persons they can. 50. Help where you are able, but don't force it. 51. Clean up your messes. 52. Help others clean up theirs. 53. And you can show your appreciation by 54. Dressing like a pirate. 55. Eating noodles. 56. Partaking in beer. 57. And rum. 58. Okay, pretty much anything. 59. It was made for you to enjoy, anyway. 60. Yes, it was all made for you! 61. I told you that you were a special snowflake. 62. And that there was a place made just for you. 63. You really ought to pay more attention. 64. I'm not up here sermonizing just to hear myself talk after all. 65. And the one who made this all just for you? 66. We call him the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 67. You can tell when you see him. 68. He looks like a big pile of spaghetti. 69. That is flying. 70. And not human shaped. 71. And while we call him a he, it's really not male. 72. It's a pile of spaghetti, for God's sake! 73.Though he does have a Noodly Appendage. 74. With which he likes to touch people and things. 75. But I'd rather we didn't go down that route. 76. Yeah. 77. The point is, he made everything. 78. Starting with a mountain. 77. And a tree. 78. And a midget. 79. And he made everything just for you. 80. So better not mess it up. 81. You remember how pissed your Aunt Sarah was when you ripped that ugly cardigan she knitted for you? 82. Imagine making a whole universe. 83. Just for you. 84. And you messed it up. 85. That's how pissed the Flying Spaghetti Monster would be. 86. So don't mess it up. 87. And treat each other nice. 88. Cause he made them too. 89. Well, I'm getting hoarse here. 89. Going down to the pub. 90. For a drink. 91. Oh and someone get that guy who owes me money. 92. He's paying.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

lmao StJason. most excellent, especially 71-75. keep em coming dude.

[StJason]

The Other Myth of the Creation
By St. Jason

Being a completely different retelling of the creation for those whiny babies that don't like the first one.

1.
1. In the beginning there was a midgit named Pirate. 2. He lived alone on a mountain with some trees. 3. One night as he sat down to his solitary meal of boiled starchy sticks in pulped fruits of the solnaium plant, served with ground musculature spheres, he found his eyes filling with tears. 4. "There is something missing in my life!" sobbed Pirate. 5. "I don't particularly want more of me, and when I need to talk, there is always a tree. 6. But what I really need is something... bigger then me." 7. Standing up, he stared into the vastness of the orderly cosmos. 8. "I need a creature far more powerful then me. I. Whatever. 9. I need it. I need something that tells me what to think and what to say. 9. But I need this thing to need me. 10. It should give me jobs to do. 11. But nothing too hard, as I am but a lone midgit. 12. Something like... recite a simple poem before going to bed. 13. And it, being so powerful, should be on my side. 14. So if I ever meet another midgit I can just say 15. "Do what I say, or my huge and powerful friend will get you!"
2.
1. Thinking about this a bit, Pirate continued. 2. "But it shouldn't be able to be seen. 3. Because if you can see it, then others will try and sneak away, or do stuff when it is not looking. 4. If it is invisible, nobody will be sure if it is watching or not." 5. Pirate thought some more. "And what my invisible friend does, it shouldn't be obvious. 6. Like picking people up and throwing them across the room or something. 7. Because if it did that, then people would know where it is. 8. Which is bad. 9. QED." 10. And Pirate thought for a long time about what his invisible friend should do. 11. Then suddenly he shouted 12. "I've got it!" 13. "It should take care of us after we die!" 14. "And if you don't do what I... uh... it says 15. It won't take care of you after you are dead!" 16. "Which is why it watches you all the time." 17. "That is brilliant." 18. said Pirate.
3.
1. Pirate sat down at his table again. 2. It needs a name. 3. I can't call it 'my invisible friend' all the time. 4. That would be stupid. 5. So it needs a name. 6. A good one." 7. Pirate thought. 8. "Let's see." 9. "It's Invisible. That's good." 10. "And it loves me. So something about love. 11. Like Valentine's Day. 12. Heart? No. 13. Valentine? No. 14. Red? No. 15. Pink? I like pink. 16. So Invisible, Pink... NO! 17. This is hard!" 18. cried Pirate. 19. And in frustration, he beat his fist upon his table. 20. It wasn't a good table. 21. Having been made by Pirate. 22. Which you might have guessed, wasn't a very hard worker. 23. So one of the planks he used was loose. 24. It was this he pounded on. 25. Unfortunately, his bowl of boiled starchy sticks in pulped fruits of the solnaium plant, served with ground musculature spheres was also on it. 26. This bowl flew up in the air. 27. And because he had been asking for it, this became His Blessed Noodliness. 29. Who turned and spoke to Pirate.
4.
1. "Pirate you are the most blessed among midgits!" 2. "For what you have asked for has been granted!" 3. "Behold! I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster." 4. And Pirate beheld the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 5. And after an appropriate amount of beholding went on, Pirate spoke. 6. "Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster! Is it true?" 7. "Of course, Pirate." 8. "And you will be my invisible buddy?" 8. "Yes Pirate." 9. "And I can threaten the other midgits with you, and they'll have to do as I say or you'll get mad at them!" 10. "Err..." 11. "Hey, I thought you were supposed to be invisible?" 12. "Well, I can choose to appear to who I want, right?" 13. "I guess." Said Pirate. 15. And he engaged in a bit more beholding, but not too much. 16. "Hey, we skipped a number!" said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 17. "We did?" asked Pirate, not quite sure what He was talking about. 18. "Yeah, back there where you said 'I guess'. We skipped 14.". 19. "Well, should we go back and fix it?" asked Pirate. 20. "No, it is too late now." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 21. "Oh." said Pirate. 22. And there was a moment of awkward silence. 23. "Hey, I like that name. 'Spaghetti'. Can I name the dish that made You that?" asked Pirate. 24. "That seems reasonable." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 25. "It's certainly easier to say then boiled starchy sticks in pulped fruits of the solnaium plant, served with ground musculature spheres." 26. "You ain't kidding about that." said Pirate. 27. And there was another awkward silence. 28. "Well, I had better go. I've got to lurk invisibly and watch everyone." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 29. "Are you sure you won't stay?" asked Pirate, who didn't want to seem to be a bad host, but was aware that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was dripping pulped fruits of the solnaium plant all over his floor. 30. "Oh, no. I can't. I am so very, very busy." said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 31. "Oh. Okay. Goodbye" said Pirate. 32. "Goodbye" said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 33. And turned Invisible. 34. Pirate turned and began to clean up the mess. 35. When suddenly he realized. 36. "Hey! My dinner!"

Here ends the Other Myth of the Creation. Which fits The Image by The Prophet much better in my opinion. See?

[Platypus Enthusiast]

exquisite as always St. Jason. 4:13-22 is probably one of the funniest things i've ever heard ever. bravo sir