I've written a new Epastle. It's more serious than the other one, and isn't written in pirate speak. I tried putting it in pirate speak, but it seemed forced, so I gave up.
A Letter From ADoS To the Mocked
1. It is an undeniable fact that being a follower of His Great Starchiness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in these times invites derision from those who have not been touched by His Noodly Appendages. 2. Indeed, a large part of the fun of our wonderful religion is watching our unquestioning, zealous opponents become riled up as we explain our points of view. 3. Some might even say that if it were not for the of these opponents, Our Saucy Lord's Noodly Embrace would have no draw for them. 4. Without the contempt of those who wish to force others to adhere to their own personal beliefs, they may feel that there would be no need for the elaborate, holy pirate outfits and debates and discussions with other science-minded folk; indeed, a satire with no object to parody can be inherently frivolous. 5. I certainly hope it never comes to pass that my fellow Pastafarians never need to feel this way, but nevertheless the sentiment is there. Until then, there is great joy and a great sense of comradery and community in being a Pastafarian, and the exaggeratedly angry reactions we recieve from stubborn nonbelievers enhances the entertainment of it quite a bit.
6. But what is a Pastafarian to do when the anger and irritation comes from our own loved ones? 7. As enjoyable as preaching our faith to the decidedly unamused can be, when a missionary must constantly face opposition at home as well as in the field, it can become tiring, and sadly, a Pastafarian (or a follower of any religion for that matter, although this letter focuses on His Noodliness's followers) may feel pressure to give up their faith in the name of domestic harmony.
8. I say to you, however, that there are other options. 9. There are, of course, the obvious two: either hide your faith completely from your loved ones so they will have nothing to deride, or cut those people out of your life altogether. 10. Neither of these options is ideal; in the former case you are now living a lie, which can be difficult for many people, and the latter case may be impossible depending on many factors such as age and financial status, and indeed it may be unwanted, because after all you love these people, even though they have differing religious viewpoints from you.
11. Sometimes, sadly, living a lie is the only choice. 12. For example, some parents' hearts may be so hardened against religious freethinking that expressing such sentiments invites immediate disownment, or even violence. 13. If this is the case for you, you have my sincerest sympathies, as well as those of all Pastafarians, I am quite certain. 14. Unfortunately, the best thing to do in this situation is probably to bide your time and attempt to achieve independence as soon as possible. 15. Also, VERY IMPORTANTLY, if you feel you are in immediate physical danger from your family (or anyone), I STRONGLY suggest you contact your local authorities and seek protection. 16. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a marvelous thing, but remember that nobody has ever died for it as of this letter, and it is NOT worth your life.
17. For those among us lucky to live not with lunatics but merely with curmudgeons, there is a fourth option, and that is continue to proudly show your faith even among your family who scorns it. 18. Your family may be good people who love you, but if they are like mine, they also seem to have lost their sense of humor, their sense of fun, and their childlike whimsy. 19. They may tell you that you are immature, that you need to "grow up", that you are behaving stupidly, or that you are an embarrassment. 20. I say that in this case, the best way to go about doing things is to continually strive to demonstrate your maturity, while also emphasizing that it's okay for mature adults to be silly, as long as it does not prevent you from achieving what you want and need to achieve in life. 21. And it is true! 22. Do not forget it! 23. If people cannot have fun except in ways sanctioned by those who define how fun something is by how acceptable it is in their social circles, then the world will quickly become very boring, very quickly. 24. One can only go so far on shopping, television, drinking, and sex. 25. Yes, they are all very enjoyable activities, and they are not activities I would begrudge anyone else by any means, but if they become the ONLY ways you can find to have fun, I must tell you that your life will seem to stagnate before very long.
26. The way to prevent your life from stagnating, as you may be told by those people who actually ENJOY their lives, rather than simply "dealing with" them (and yes, such people do exist, and they're not just the monetarily rich, believe it or not), is to find a hobby, or multiple hobbies. 27. There are many things to do that can be considered hobbies, and some are more traditional than others. 28. If you are reading this letter, then most likely, expressing your Pirattitude is one of those hobbies. 29. If your family is like mine, however, this hobby may not be acceptable to your miserly loved ones, who may prefer that you adopt a more "mature" hobby such as stamp collecting or model ship building. 30. Don't misunderstand me; ship building is of course a wonderful hobby for a pirate, as long as you fly a Jolly Roger on your miniature vessel. 31. But the fact is, it is not only impossible, but also very rude, to try to force someone to adopt a hobby they do not enjoy. 32. Different people take pleasure from different activities, and I tell you that if everyone in the world were to stick only to traditional hobbies and not come up with new, fun things to do, then global culture as whole would stagnate, much like the life of a hobbyless person.
33. So, as long as you have the option, I suggest that you should continue to be the person YOU want to be, not the person your family tells you to be, and continue to hold The Holy Meatball close to your heart. 34. As much as part of the goal of preaching our religion is the thrill of gaining new converts in unexpected places, so should you try (not too forcefully, mind you) to soften the hearts of those who are unable to let their facade of hardened adulthood drop for even a few moments. 35. If they will not bend, so be it, but at least you can say that you tried to help them and were true to yourself. 36. That is, after all, the spirit of being a pirate.
37. Have faith!