Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[pieces o'nine]

Foreign Pirate Sets Portsmouth Abuzz!



Portsmouth residents may have noticed a new ship in the docks this week, Sleipnir's Revenge, hailing from the far north. Cap'n "Kris" Kringle claims variously to be Dutch, German, Finnish or Canadian -- depending on who bought the last round -- but steadfastly denies rumors that he is either a Spanyerd or a defrocked Bishop on the lam. His crew of sprightly, pointy-eared midgits zealously guard both the overstuffed holds of his ship and plans for the booty's "distribution." An anonymous source close to Cap'n Kringle leaked a rumor that he may flood the local market with coal within a fortnight. Captain and crew were evasive with the harbormaster about the duration of their stay in Portsmouth, but steadfastly refused to pay more than one month's docking fees.

Cap'n Kringle caused a near-riot by heartily and repeatedly shouting "Ho! Ho! Ho!" while allegedly inviting the employees of Madame Fifi's to sit on his lap and be assessed for niceness or naughtiness. The local constabulary, conveniently on the premises, quickly sorted it all out and released a statement that it was all just a misunderstanding of quaint foreign Dutch/German/Finnish/Canadian social customs.

Cap'n Kringle then allegedly stopped by the studio of Juan de la Cosa, the internationally renowned Aztecan cartographer who recently resettled in Portsmouth, sponsored by Bart Industries. He was seen leaving the shop clutching a detailed map of Australia and muttering to himself about the safest ports of call. Not even Auntie Blackbeard could coax more information from him in a cozy drink in the Crow's Nest.

Watch the Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for further developments in this story.

[DaveL]

YArrrrrrrr...

Speakin of which.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/c ... rden_1.jpg

[black bart]

Mystery of Mappa Happa Mundays



Juan de la Cosa, the internationally renowned Aztecan cartographer who recently resettled in Portsmouth, sponsored by Bart Industries has revealed that it was his map of Australia that allowed Shaun Ryder to escape from the jungle. Shaun had been marooned in the Rain Forrest and many hoped he would never return. After a decade of Portsmouth's inns and hotels being smashed up by Ryder and his chum Bez, the people of Portsmouth have been enjoying a respite. Juan de la Cosa welcomed Shaun back and, after a night on the raz with Shaun and Bez, drew this map of the World which Juan has named in honour of the two hell raisers 'The Mappa Happa Mundy:



What in the name of Neptune were they on?

[DavidH]

They've nicked that from Hereford Cathedral, the blaggards. It's worth several squillion pounds, so they'll have to give it back or have the men of Hereford after'em with our longbows.

[black bart]

They've nicked that from Hereford Cathedral, the blaggards. It's worth several squillion pounds, so they'll have to give it back or have the men of Hereford after'em with our longbows.

If you can point out Hereford on the map you can have it back.

[DavidH]

Or, in case yer eyes be dimmed by thee rum:



Map to be left at midnight behind Moreton-on-Lugg church, together with a fine of 100 golden Splonders.
Password is passe avant .

[black bart]

Arrr I don't believe ye has a genuine Juan de la Cosy map there matey...there aint that many buildins in Hereford...unless he's gotten Hereford confused wiv Tenochtitlan.

[DavidH]

Grrrr.... I'l have ye know they've got several buildings in Hereford. I seen 'em. We've even got a couple here in the village.

[black bart]

Here be Juan de la Cosy's map of thee World:

I think he moight ave had some help from Nef Yoo.

[pieces o'nine]

Hit be a compleate fraud, loike!

Juan de la Cosa, the internationally renowned Aztecan cartographer who recently resettled in Portsmouth, sponsored by Bart Industries, would never portray 'is own lande so small an off-center, loike. This clearly be thee worke ov NefYoo, an a sorry commentary on thee state ov hedjucashun under thee Portsmouth Publicke Pyrate School (wot be so pittifulle hit baint even *on* thee flea-bitten mappe!)

Hit be an outrage!

[black bart]

Hit be a compleate fraud, loike!

Juan de la Cosa, the internationally renowned Aztecan cartographer who recently resettled in Portsmouth, sponsored by Bart Industries, would never portray 'is own lande so small an off-center, loike. This clearly be thee worke ov NefYoo, an a sorry commentary on thee state ov hedjucashun under thee Portsmouth Publicke Pyrate School (wot be so pittifulle hit baint even *on* thee flea-bitten mappe!)

Hit be an outrage!

Aye ye be roighte...an Nef Yoo even missed his chance ta pillage a Royal Carriage by joinin thee student protests in Westminster. He could ave bashed Charles over thee bonce wiv his gyant lolly. Thee Portsmouth Publicke Pyrate School ave got a lot to answer for (they be onlee survivin by holdin me up as an hexample of a top student).

[DavidH]

You can't be asking Neff Yoo to go near the dreaded Camella Park'n'Ride. That would scar the little devil for life. I mean, I know he was brought up by rats, but there are limits!

[pieces o'nine]

Guardian Posts Link to Norad

The Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian was shocked to discover this week that recent arrival Cap'n "Kris" Kringle is definitely an internationally wanted fugitive, and not merely another seedy character putting rounds of Captains Deloights and Cone-Yaks on the tabbes of other patrons! Our liaison with Scotland Yard was quite close-mouthed about any plans to shanghai him right from the pubs and extradite him to Australia, merely offering a terse, "No comment! Move along ye blaggards or I'll arrest the lot of you for loitering!"

But the Guardian editorial staff is taking a more proactive approach and is pleased to alert our loyal subscribers to an official Capn "Kris" Kringle tracking site. Interested citizens as well as other riff-raff and their scurvy crews can track his progress for themselves to plot their own "holiday surprise".

Frankly, after watching the embedded clip (courtesy of Apple Daily News) we are astounded that one drunken captain can make so many pointless criss-crosses whilst circumnavigating the globe on a single outing. Perhaps this is how he always stays one step ahead of Interpol. The Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian is closely monitoring this story and will continue posting updates in the days ahead. As always, we invite reader contributions and photos.

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

darr ya r ANti Pon
i juss wanna remine ya ove yeer pointmint et tha lollypop
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Roy Hunter]

CONTROVERSY DESCENDS ON BLACK BART!
Following the startling revalations that President Barack Obama is in fact an American citizen by birth as he always maintained he was, so-called "Birther" conspiracy theorists have moved on to the world of pirates.

An inside source, who did not want to be named, told the Guaaaaarrrdian off-the-record: "Aye, ye ken forbye, I always knew that the Obama laddie wiz a guid yin, ye ken? Bit noo, we huv tae deal with the contrrroverrrsy and scandal surrrounding so-called pirrrate Captain Black Bart."

"Bart maintains that he is a pirrrate by birrrth, which is sic nonsense as only a tumshie wad believe! We 'a ken the laddie's rrreally Welsh, an' no' a pirrrate at'aa. We demand tae see his full burrrth cerrrtificate! It's a scandal, I tell ye!" The inside source's dog licked the man from the Guaaarrrdian's leg at this point and added, "Arf!".

No-one from Bart Industries was available for comment, for tax reasons. A spokesman from Thee Benbow issued this statement: "Is than manky Scotch git annoying you, mate? Oi! Jock! I told you, you're barred! Clear orf out of it!".

Auntie BlackBeard is 143.