Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

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Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:44 pm

Image

“Guns ready, Mr Hackem?”
“Aye Cap’n – surely me darlin’s are orl primed.. as sweet as a Portsmuff wench.”
“Get reddy yer stern chasers. No! No! Oi dunt meen you two men. Oi means the cannons at the stern. The back of the boat… the back!”
Lorst drew out his cutlass. The two ninsō drew their katanas and positioned themselves each side of the Captain.
“Dunna fire til yer close enuff ter see the stitchin’ on his long johns.”
‘Wanderin’ Penguin’ bore down on the ‘Big Brenda’ like a falcon stooping onto a vole.
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby DavidH on Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:03 pm

Cap'n Bart screwed up his reddening face and tightened his buttocks until the ferrets in his back pockets were squeezed into jam. With one last straining effort he let down a mighty blast of flatulence which filled the mains'l. The Big Brenda surged forward at 3½ knots and Lorst leapt up and down the fiddling-stays, gnashing his nadgers as his quarry seemed set to elude him.
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:22 pm

Lorst waved his cutlass angrily. "Ye dunna frighten me, yer ferret-squelchin' arse-bludger," he screamed. "Fire as ye come to bear, Mr Hackem!"
Halitosis Jack Hackem raced along the gun-deck, peering through each gun-port in turn and instructing each crew in their aim. Gun after gun discharged in thunderous turn - roundshot, chainshot, shrapnel, cartridges, angels and bombs - each directed at their targets of sheets, shrouds, masts and hull.
"Steddy about helmsman, bring the stern chasers to bear! Man the swivvel guns!"
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby TwistedSister on Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:25 pm

Aye! Oi loikes stern chasers and swivel guns!
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:20 pm

As the thick pall of smoke cleared away, leaving behind only the sharp spicy tang of gunpowder, the Big Brenda hove back into sight.
Her sails were now in shreds, the bowsprit had gone and the main topgallant mast had sheared off and was hanging loose in a tangle of rigging. Many of the shrouds had been cut and there was evidence of heavy strikes to the hull.
The oversized figurehead was missing some important pieces of her anatomy and, indeed, there was no sign either of Black Bert’s flatulent bundles. A single plume of dark pungent smoke rose from somewhere on the quarterdeck.

There had been no reaction or retaliation whatsoever from the Big Brenda. Not a single shot.
“Kipper me capstans. Is that it?” said Higgs. “Oi fort dis wuz th’ Dread Pyrit Black Bob Roberts.”
“Naaar, naar,” said Lorst, shaking his head, “dis be sum uvver Black Bert.”

The helmsman guided the Wanderin’ Penguin close by the crippled ship.
“Load yer pistols an’ scurry up them ratlins boys. Preepair ta bord!”
Eager hands threw grappling irons across the rail and the ships were slowly pulled towards each other.
The crew of the Wanderin’Penguin blew loudly on their battle-vuvuzelas and chanted the pyrit war-cry, “Cum an’ ‘ave a go if yer fink yer ‘ard enuff!”
The two ninsō leapt across the narrowing gap as if propelled by springs, landing like cats, their razor-sharp longswords at the ready. They were quickly followed by several of the crew, swinging on ropes, knives clasped in their teeth.

The boarding party stopped, and looked around them in confusion.
Lorst stepped onto the captured ship.
“It’s a ghost ship Cap’n,” whispered seaman Earlie, turning around twice and spitting in his hat.
“Lets ‘ave nun o’ that sooperstishunry,” cautioned Lorst. “Luke…”
Captain Black Bert was alone, lying concussed on deck. The source of the odorous smoke plume was revealed, rising from Bert’s blackened codpiece.
“Best throw sum water o’er ‘is valoobles. Where is evverywun?”

“Listen!” said Higgs.
The faint sound of drunken singing rose from below decks.

"Way, haul away, we'll haul away Joe
To me ‘way, haul away
We'll ‘eave an’ ‘ang togevver
Away, haul away, we'll haul away Joe

Wunce oi wuz in Irelan’
Diggin’ turf an’ tayters
An’ now oi'se on a Pyrit ship
Crewed by Master…
‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Joe”

“Oi fink dey’ve bin dishin’ out th’ grog a bit early,” suggested Higgs.
“Cap’n,” cried out a voice, “weez driftin’ towards the Shoals.”
“Aye, rite. Pick up that gyant weevil, oi promised yer a gude meel ternite.”
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby DavidH on Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:28 pm

Wunce oi wuz in Irelan’
Diggin’ turf an’ tayters
An’ now oi'se on a Pyrit ship
Crewed by Master…


Image Image

------------------------------------------------

Now Capting Lorst has gained the day
Heave away, Santy Anna,
And Black Bart he has ran away
All on the plains o' Mexico

So, heave her up and away we'll go....
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby black bart on Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:04 am

DavidH wrote:Cap'n Bart screwed up his reddening face and tightened his buttocks until the ferrets in his back pockets were squeezed into jam. With one last straining effort he let down a mighty blast of flatulence which filled the mains'l. The Big Brenda surged forward at 3½ knots and Lorst leapt up and down the fiddling-stays, gnashing his nadgers as his quarry seemed set to elude him.


Soree to stop thee flow o thee storee but that be an uncannilee true descripshun o me week in real loif!!!! (I've had the worst stomach bug ever).
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Fri Jul 02, 2010 7:35 am

As the Wanderin’ Penguin tied up next to Gunwharf Quay a mucky urchin came scrambling over the rail. He handed a note to Captain Lorst.
“Mister, a big pyrit feller axed me ter deelivver dis letter. E sed ‘e wuz Black … sumfin, an’ he sed yood giv me a penny.”

Lorst gave the boy a penny and marked it down as a debt to be paid by Bert. He opened the letter.

“It’s frum Black Bert, as yer mite av gessed. Ee sez e wuz sufferin’ from sum forrin arse-weevils, which wuz why e wuz on is own and cuddent fight. Ee sez it’ll be different nex’ time.”

Lorst tucked the letter into his jacket pocket. “Aye. Well. We’ll see.” He waved his cutlass above his head. “Ter the Benbow, lads.”
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Re: Ye Epic Pyrate Battle

Postby black bart on Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:45 am

Aye thee Benbow...a den o iniquitee if ever there was one...ere be a typical incident at thee Benbow:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FS0ot8XqJA

Has ye ever seen such debaucheree an over thee top Pyrate laughing?
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