Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

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Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Fri Jun 25, 2010 12:27 pm

Image

The crew of the ‘Wandrin’ Penguin’ knew that Captain Lorst was in a foul sou’-wester of a temper. Squirrel Trelawney had just run screaming from the cabin and was now sitting at the top of the main-mast throwing hazelnuts at anything that moved.

Bosun Higgs approached the Captain’s cabin with obvious trepidation and tapped gently on the oak frame.
“WOT!” shouted Lorst.
Higgs pushed open the door and peered in. “Evryfing orl rite, Cap’n?”
“No it ain’t,” spat the Captain. “Luke at this!” He threw a tattered copy of PlayBilge at Higgs.
The Bosun sat himself down in a comfy chair and put his feet up. “Fanks, Cap’n.” He unfolded the centre pages and made a growling noise at the artistic depiction of Big Brenda McTavish (Miss February).
“Not the pikchures,” said Lorst heatedly, “Oi dunt buy it fer the pikchures, oi buy it fer the artickles.” He reached over and turned the pages, poking at one with a grubby finger. “Ere’s wun abaht Titles ‘at are been given ter Captins. Luke at ‘em. Gettin’ ‘emselves all gentrified wiv highfalutin’ hoity-toity la-di-da names.” He raised himself onto his tiptoes and pirouetted across the floor. “Ooooh, luke at me, ain’t I porsh?” He turned and slammed his fist onto the table, thrusting his face towards Higgs. “An’ yer knows how they do it?” he spat.
Higgs wiped his face and shrugged. “Munny? Blackmail?”
“No! Hits chust fer sayin’ foive thowsin wurds. Foive thowsin!” He snatched the magazine from Higgs’ hands and riffled through the pages. “Dey rite wun wurd – loik dis Wurd Asso…shee…ay…shun Game, Dey say wun werd, wun wurd foive thowsin times. Strike me rollicks!”
He threw his arms wide and indicated a teetering pile of PlayBilge back-issues.
“Deres over sivventeen hunnerd ‘n’ fifty pages of dat rubbish! Wudyer believe it, sum ov ‘em just sez ‘Yaaargh’!”

“So, wot’s yer problem, Cap’n?” asked Higgs.

Lorst stamped his foot on the deck. “Oi wanna Title!” he whinged. “Now luke, ‘eres orl tha letters ‘at oi bin sendin’ ter the magaseen.” He scattered a handful of papers onto the chart table. “Oi bin tellin’ ‘em abaht me advenchures, see? Oi reckin ‘ats more an a thowsin wurds – mus’ be. Count ‘em fer me, ‘iggs.”

Cap’n Lorst paced up and down the cabin impatiently whilst Higgs traced his finger over the writing, mumbling to himself as he counted. “Over sevvin thowsin it is, Cap’n.”
“YAAARGH! See! Wot did oi tell yer?” Lorst angrily drew out his flintlock and fired a shot into the bulkhead. Splinters fell around their heads through a pall of gunpowder smoke. Several of the crew could be heard jumping overboard.
“Rite! Grab that quill. Send ‘em a letter sayin’ at oi wanna Title. Oi ‘as me reesins as follers,

Wun, Oi is andsum an’ artikerlit,
Two, Oi is a gude riter – much better ‘an that ole Black Bert or Planky,
Free, Oi is of a plessant naycher, and
Fower, Oi ‘ave lotser weppins an’ oi knows wear thee Editor lives.

Yors fayferly, Lorst

P.S. Summat loike ‘Protector of the Holey Towel’ wud dew noicely, fanks.
P.P.S. Oi’ve put der munny in the ‘ollow tree as instruktid.”
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby DavidH on Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:40 pm

That cheeky blaggard Lorst wrote:Summat loike ‘Protector of the Holey Towel’ wud dew noicely, fanks.

You gets that free in thee Monastery, but 'ere ye 'as no choice but to wait till till ye got 5,000 posts or some such. AND when ye've nearly got 'em, they takes about 1,000 away again.
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby TwistedSister on Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:15 pm

Cap'n Mitebe Lorst wrote:P.P.S. Oi’ve put der munny in the ‘ollow tree as instruktid.”

I'll give you a cookie if you tell me which tree........

Loved the story by the way! :lol:
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:28 pm

As night fell over the town, the optical telegraphs lit their lamps and their unceasing messages continued without hinder, flashing across the still harbour waters. Who knew what distant lands they raced towards?
Trelawney had been coaxed down from the mast and was now back on Lorst’s shoulder, chittering happily, one paw gripping tightly to the Captain’s ear-ring.
Seaman Brighton Earlie was peering at the semaphore towers through his ‘Bart Industries Official-Looking Spyglass©’ but soon realized he could see better without it.
“Here’s wun fer us now, Cap’n,” he said, quickly translating the pattern of lights and writing down the message on the back of an old cereal packet.
“It’s frum Cap’n DavidH, yon strange covey what goosed ‘Pegnose’ at ther Benbow. ‘E sez – No title. Ye has no choyse but ter wate til yer’ve sent foive thowsin messiges. They wurnt allow it.”
Lorst snatched up a belaying pin and used it to viciously murder a couple of stray barnacles. “Oh. Is dat wot ‘they’ say izit? Send a message, Mr Earlie.”
Earlie picked up a storm lantern in each hand and waited for his Captain’s orders.
“Oi ‘ave Arfinch Moll an’ if yer doan gi’ me a Title oi’ll let ‘er loose.”

“Mr Johnson. Oi want yer to find out oo ‘they’ are. Get me the name o’ their ships. Dey’ll rue the day ‘at they snubbed Cap’n Lorst.
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Mon Jun 28, 2010 5:47 am

Lorst paced the deck in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the harbour and the town. Noises always seemed so much louder and clearer at night. There was probably a good scientiffery reason for that, but he didn’t know what it was.
Sails flapped, ropes snapped, waves lapped, footsteps tapped – perhaps there was a song there?
The usual raucous undertone floated across the bay from the Admiral Benbow, even at this hour. Lorst smiled wrily. It would probably take a major war to change the opening hours of that place.

Gunner ‘Ironballs’ Johnson appeared at the Captain’s side. Lorst was impressed, he hadn’t heard the man approaching.
“The place is fairly deserted Cap’n,” said Johnson. “’Ardly a soul ennyware. Cap’n DavidH is still staggerin’ abaht lewkin fer the ‘tasty blonde’ ee met in thee Benbow, but uvver ‘an that, orls quiet.”

“Did yer foine out who they are?
“Oi did, Cap’n, but ye b’aint goin’ ter like it. Seems loike it’s yer ole mates, Black Bert an’ Peeces. But Black Bert ain’t bin seen since larst Thusday, an’ Peeces shipped aht on Froyday.”
Lorst stayed silent, gazing across at the town.
“Dere’s anuvver, Cap’n,” continued Johnson. “Sum wench bye the name o’ Mistress Capellini, but she ain’t nivver bin in Portsmuff. Oi reckin she’s Guvmint or Admiralty or sumfin.

“Get sum sleep, Mr Johnson,” said Lorst. “Weezle be leevin port on the tide at fust light. We as a job ter do, an it hinvolves the ‘Big Brenda’ an the ‘Madde Moggies Revenge’. Warm up yer cannon.”

“Mr ‘Iggs – release the Moll.”
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Calico Jack on Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:18 am

See the pretty bird. Pretty bird.
Jack has all the treasure.

Jack can find the Flying Dutchman.

Jack gets all the wemmins!!

ACK!
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:49 pm

The Wanderin' Penguin leaves port
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney on Wed Jun 30, 2010 10:50 am

Oi bea sertin ye be nun udder than Black Spot in disguys !
Aldoh , ye cud bea Planky jugjing by alla hot air wot be belching owt of ye .
Well , woteffer ole pyrit ye be , tis gud ta haff ye bak in err riting sech wunderful gibber !

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh !
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Cap'n Mitebe Lorst on Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:19 am

GIBBER! 'Ow dare ye!
Oi wuz tha bes' riter at thee Portsmuff Pyrit Skule ev'ry year til oi wuz 37. Oi wun tha spellin' bee fer bein' able ta spel 'bee' (at the seccun atemt) an me ole mum sez oi'm ansum wiv it.
Gimme me title yer layzee blaggid!
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby black bart on Fri Jul 02, 2010 11:06 am

Mad Willyum Bonney wrote:Oi bea sertin ye be nun udder than Black Spot in disguys !
Aldoh , ye cud bea Planky jugjing by alla hot air wot be belching owt of ye .
Well , woteffer ole pyrit ye be , tis gud ta haff ye bak in err riting sech wunderful gibber !

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh !


Arrgh I beleaves Planky has been tryin ta get back on thee Pyrate board...ye could be roight Will.

By thee way how long did it take Willyum ShakeyStevenspier ta write up his plays?

That be about how long twill take Cap'n Mitebe Lorst ta get ta 5000 posts. :lol:
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard on Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:55 am

Unkl lorst
ye not gunna reech profet afor me
HA HA !

:moon:
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Re: Yer highfalutin’ hoity-toity title fer Lorst

Postby black bart on Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:16 am

Only 3533 Nef Yoo posts to go... :cry:
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