Here is what The Great Noodle has me believe about "An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife "
1. An ancient and venerable sage spoke unto the Pastaists of all the divisions, unto the Noodleists, and unto the Maranarists, the Fettucinians, the Pastafarians, and all of the great Pasta-based members of the Holy and Delicious Faith, and said:
2. It is my contention that a loving God of any kind would not Damn someone to Hell.
3. Condemning them to Hell would be a problem for a supposedly intelligent creator.
4. Lakes of fire, boiling waters, sauces, etc, aren't a good choice.
5. If you want to attract "justified" persons, portray just rewards and punishments.
6. If you want to attract lunatics and sadists, portray violent punishments.
7. All those that have led a life with a kind heart and good intent will enter Heaven
8. They will have the finest pasta, wondrous beverages, strippers perfectly suited to their needs, and a fantastic view of the stage.
9. For those who have not lived a life lives with a kind heart and good intent, they will enter Heaven Light.
10. Those will be divided from the Pasta, the finest beverages, the best strippers, they will have a very restricted view of the stage and will be denied the fellowship of persons of good will and kind intent.
11. They will do all the laundry, cleaning and heavy or unpleasant jobs in the service industries for Heaven.
12. Never will they eat of the Pasta of any kind, but will live on lots of beans and rice, potatoes and extremely cheap cuts of meat, and the type of diet that the urban poor can afford, or that Senior Citizens and disabled persons on Social Security are reduced to.
13. For those who have been particularly mean there is Heaven Extra Light.
14. They get the really icky dirty work.
15. The bullies of the geopolitical world will be there, and their helpers.
16. The false religious leaders, who plead for funds, and give nothing of their true selves, and hoard the money and live in opulence, they will be there, and their helpers.
17. Many others of ill-intent will be with them.
18. There is a reservation there for the tricksters and the con-men, who will begin every work day by licking clean the footwear of every indigenous person, whose lands have been stolen from them, even those in Heaven Light.
19. Also there will be the promulgators of the horrible practices against the peoples of every country ever "modernized" by Western Civilization.
20. No Hell, no boiling lakes of fire, just an appropriate 'reward'.
21. No more lunatics and sadists, please.
22. Other people have other ideas, but then again other people are promoting Holy War, too.
23. Don't do that in the name of our FSM.
24. That's not the Way to Do Things Right.
The Dark Noodle AKA Rev. Jo Freddie