The Bath-towel of Mosey

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

Mateys,

Oi woz plunderin’ off the northern coast of Afrik when I stopped a passin’ barque – just to ask the way like, all polite an evryfing, honest – an wen oi broke into the Captain’s cabin I was attracted to an old relic hidden in the cubbord. Turned out to be the Captain’s aged ‘n toothless wench, so that just shows oi’ve bin at sea too long.
“Well, Blow me!” Sez oi, all surprised like. Anyways, after she’d gone oi decided to ‘ave a good look around, ‘cos it were an interestin’ and anteek sort of cabin.
Underneaf the floor (Oi dropped an earrin’ and had to prise up the deck planks) I found a locked strongbox, but luckily I had me Smif n Western flintlock key which easily opened it.

Now, ‘eerz the fing, me old powder monkeys, I foun’ an old bath-towel in the box.
The towel ‘as sum faint stains on it - like marinara sauce I reckon, cuz that nivver comes out of yer clothes duz it? – an’ the stains look like the face of Pirate Mosey! Corse, oi’ve nivver seen Pirate Mosey but if oi had, then that would look like ‘im.

Me flintlock key has caused a few burns on the towel unforchunetly, but Higgs the Bosun chewed a corner o’ the towel an’ he sez, “Thars veeeeeeeery old”. Wiv e-numbers like that, I fink we ‘as proof!

Yon bath-towel must be the towel that Mosey used to wipe isself down after ee led the short-order cooks through the giant red puddle of spaghetti sauce!

Oi be bringin’ the holy bath-towel back to the “Scurvy Dog” an’ oi’ll only charge tuppence for people to ‘ave a look.

Cap'n Miteby Lorst

[DavidH]

Ye gotta have a carbon 14 test and a pollen analysis before we'll pay to see it.

[Ubi Dubium]

Ye gotta have a carbon 14 test and a pollen analysis before we'll pay to see it.

Yep, and have them done on the towel as well.

Happy Towel Day, by the way!

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

Wot be all this high-falutin' talk o' carbon scientiferry?
Y'all know that the Great Noodle wud change any results just to test yer faith.
Oi berleeve in the FSM, oi berleeve in the Holey Bath-towel o' Mosey.
Tha viewin' price fer unberleevers is thruppence.

Cap'n M. Lorst

P.S. Oi luked at the towel threw the wrong end o' me spyglass and oi think oi seed sum bits o' sumfin' that mite be pollen. So there's more proof!

P.P.S. The towel has 4 holes

[DavidH]

I ain't paying no thruppence to see some mangy ole towel what hasn't had no miracles associated wiv it. If it was to cure your brain o' the scurvy, now that'd be sumpn else.

[black bart]

I ain't paying no thruppence to see some mangy ole towel what hasn't had no miracles associated wiv it. If it was to cure your brain o' the scurvy, now that'd be sumpn else.

Arrgh I agrees matey...an who thee eck is Mosey anyway?

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

Aaaaarrgh! So it's mirickles ye want is it?

'Ang on a minnit....

[black bart]

Ye drum roll:

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

There.

I tied the holey bath-towel around the neck o' Higgs the Bosun and notted it up real tite. 'E was so delighted wiv this great honour that 'e performed the noodle dance fer us all an' showed sum luvverly colours on 'is face - but then, sumfing 'orrible 'appened, an ee fell down on the deck. 'E was gaspin' and luked as if he were dyin'!
Oi took off the holy bath-towel and mopped his purple face wiv it.
A Mirackle! Praise his Noodleyness!
Higgs the Bosun began to breathe agin. Returned from the dead.

Cap'n Mitebe Lorst

[black bart]

Arrrgh...thee drum roll be wasted on ye, yer daft bluggit...

Now if ye can get some sense out of Nef Yoo BB, or get Walktheplank ta shorten his Long Winded Tales...that would be a miracle.

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

The crew o' thee 'Wandrin' Penguin' as discuvverd anuvver unusual effect of the Bath-towel o' Mosey.
Higgs the Bosun wuz in a rapturus state after he wuz mopped by the Holey cloth, so he tuk it wiv him to the crew's munthly communal shower.
Him an' Moonin' Jacksy Roberts, the cabin-boy, 'ave found that wen the towel is damp it causes nearby aft-breeches to turn red and painful. (Oi aven't got to the bottom of this yet). It certunly has Jacksy on his toes.

But oi is now approachin' Portsmouth an' will be makin' the towel availerbull for viewin' tomorrer at 4 bells o' the forenoon watch.
Form an orderly kew and 'ave yer tuppences reddy fer collecshun by Quartermaster Pegnose.
(Thruppence fer DavidH and Ubi)

Cap'n Mitebe Lorst, Protector of the Holey Towel

[DavidH]

Sorry, tomorrer's me time fer hosin' the wife down, an' it takes damn near all day.

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

Settle down out there, ya noisy rabble! Oi can't get me kip!
Four bells o' the forenoon watch I sed. That's Boilin' Spaghetti Time (BST).
Waits yer turn!

Cap'n M Lorst

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

Rite! Line up. Let’s see the colour of yer tuppences.
Givvus yer munny to me Quartermaster, ‘Pegnose’ Throgmorton. Ye shud be able to reconise ‘im easily. E’s the one wearin’ the red shirt.

This ‘ere is me Bosun’s Mate, Kissimmee Pas Sur La Bouche. Yer can call her Kissi, but I ain’t responsible for the damidge if yer do. She’ll take yer down to see the Holey Bath-towel.

Now. Oos fust?

[black bart]

Arr matey...why don't ye bring thee towel down the Benbow an hang it up on thee wall wiv all thee other memerobilliarrgh:

Cap'n Cronan's Hat (it were found floatin orf thee Isle o White wiv thee words Titanic on it).
Walkthepank's wig.
Davy Jones's lunch box.
Nef Yoo BB's diaper (be sort o stuck to thee wall wiv sommat).
and last but not least:
Big Brenda's Bra (we use it as an hammock).