Prank email to a psychic surgeon

The place for general discussion about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and most things related to Him.

Moderator: All Things Mods

Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Deftera on Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:22 am

I was really bored one night so decided to send a joke email to Andy Porter, the psychic surgeon who claims he can cure schizophrenia. Here it is, in all its noodly glory:


Hi Andy,

I wanted to let you know how much I admire you. Psychics like yourself are gifted people. I believe God uses everyone for a reason; much like pawns in a game of chess, the parts people play may be small but they make a contribution nevertheless. People like yourself have reached the other end of the board of life and have become queens, who make the contributions of many, many people.

Here's the deal:

I think my wife might be a schitzo (think that's how you spell it). I've suspected it for a while but I wasn't paying £100 an hour so some shrink in a suit can play twenty questions. So I looked it up and came across your website, and it definately sounds like she has it.

What can I do? Is there a cure? I tried doing the stuff you posted but it isn't helping. Can you check for entity attachment or whatever it is? I can pay.

Yours desperately,

Daniel Ford. [that isn't my real name so don't try to stalk me]

--

[His reply]

Hi Daniel,

Many thanks for your kind comments and we are glad that our website offers alternative advice and help for people such as yourselves.

Schizophrenia is a label the western medical profession has given to a person that can hear voices in their head, if you research the web you will find this condition can also be referred to as possession and is also referenced in the bible.

Basically in our experience it is simply a case of a fragmented aura and weak etheric field allowing negative energies to connect and attach to a person whilst using telepathy to communicate with them.

We can offer help either with a remote or in-person appointment, but will need your wife's permission to do so as we respect her freewill and our guides will not help if she has not provided this.

Could you please ask your wife to answer the following questions.

Many thanks Andy and Jayne

Questions:-
---------------------------
Could you answer the following questions please:-

1) Do you have thoughts that seem to come into your head but done feel as though they are your own?

2) Do you think very negative thoughts involving harm to yourself or others?

3) Do you continually judge other people you come into contact with?

4) Do you have pains or odd feelings that seem to either move around your body or are confined to one area but have no physical problems that could be the cause of these feelings?

5) Do you have problems sleeping and find you wake up around 3am?

6) Does you life seem an uphill struggle whereby everything you try end up with a negative outcome?

7) Do you hear voices?

8) Do you see dark shadows out of the corner of your eye but when you turn to look directly at the shadow it disappears?

9) Do you feel some form of uneasy feeling around you at times?

10) Do you feel fear for no reason?

11) Do you feel as though you are being watched?

12) Have you ever taken drugs?

13) Please ask yourself the following questions below and provide the answer you hear in your mind:-
Questions= "Am I sovereign?" ( Answer will be a yes or a no ).

14) Address any voices you hear in your head and ask them 3 times " Are you from the highest light" please put the answer for each below:- ( Answer will be a yes or a no each time).
1st answer = yes / no
2nd answer = yes / no
3rd answer = yes / no

15) Do you suffer with nightmares?

--

[my response]

Hi again Andy,

Good job with the quick response. No idea what you mean by a weak etheric field but I guess you know best.

Jackie says yes to 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 12 and 15. We don't know what sovereign is and she feels silly doing 14. Is she a schizo? She agreed to come to an appointment as long as it doesn't cost too much (we're not exactly loaded at the moment, I was fired a few months ago for making a racsist comment and I can't be bothered to find another job).

P.S. I just realised I have most of the symptoms myself, do you think I should come, just to be sure?

Yours sincerely,

Daniel Ford

--

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for your honesty in your reply.

There is no science involved really but from the answers you have kindly provided I feel strongly that you both have a attachment issue of some kind probably the same entity has attached to you both and is playing with the pair of you.

My feeling is that as you both have symptoms it would be good to see you both together and as your financial situation is difficult we would be happy to only charge you for one appointment rather than two, and our charge is normally £40 per session so instead of £80 we will be happy to offer you £40. [£40 for two half hour sessions? How generous!]

Can you let me know where you live so we can look at appointment times etc.

--

Hi Andy,

Some bad news. I suspected the entity could be circling our entire household, so we made our son, Tommy, take the quiz. He answered "yes" to the majority of the questions, so we suspect he might be a schizo too.

The kid's a bit of a coward and he's just spent the last hour crying about how he wants the spirit out of him. The trouble is, we only have £45 in the rainy day fund. I reckon I could get the wife to fork over a bit of dough, how much will you charge for the three of us?

Yours desperately,

Daniel Ford

--

Hi Daniel,

Thanks for the reply, can I ask how old your son is please?

Thanks Andy and Jayne

--

Tommy turned 9 last November, bit of a geek, if you have a psychic pediatrician or anything then go for it. Thanks again for the service, you've been great.

--

How much will the cost be? Please mate, I really need this. The kid's desperate and so am I.

Yours desperately,

Daniel Ford.

[He's not replied as of yet]
Deftera
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 3:07 pm

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Ubi Dubius on Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:25 am

Keep us posted, Daftera!
:lol:
Davros, Attorney and Pieces of Law
Keeping up appearances is a very important activity in religion; in fact, maintaining tattered illusions is its main activity. - Richard Wade, on Friendlyatheist.com
We make an idol of our fear and call it God. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal
User avatar
Ubi Dubius
Set bail, me hearties!
 
Posts: 5253
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 4:50 pm
Location: Varrrrrrgggggghhhhhhinia

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby DaveL on Sun Jan 17, 2010 3:55 pm

I'm feeling the need to answer yes to all of the above. And that's just from going to work... :grin:

Good luck with it matey!
Manatee Singles

www.hotdugong.com
User avatar
DaveL
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4895
Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:57 pm
Location: Van Diemens Land

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby black bart on Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:52 am

That's hilarious. There's a guy on UK TV who does psychic stuff...he recently tried to contact Michael Jackson in a seance with several Michael Jackson lookalikes. You could write to him as well saying you and your wife are getting visitations from MJ.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Deftera on Sat Feb 13, 2010 5:11 pm

Working on one to a medium now, wish me luck!
Deftera
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 3:07 pm

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Edd on Sat Feb 13, 2010 5:18 pm

Ask him/her where I left my keys.
User avatar
Edd
Mystic of Meatball
 
Posts: 2505
Joined: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:02 pm
Location: Texas

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Tigger_the_Wing on Sat Feb 13, 2010 6:06 pm

They fell off the cupboard into the bin.
User avatar
Tigger_the_Wing
She Who Gets It
 
Posts: 4376
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:44 pm
Location: Pyrate of the Canberrean

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby m610 on Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:38 pm

So much fun.

Does he treat pets, too?
m610
Cannelloni Cannoneer
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Wed Apr 25, 2007 2:03 pm
Location: Davis, CA

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Roland Deschain on Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:48 am

This is excellent. I love baiting people like this. Tig gave out a link to a guy who does this sort of thing in Australia. I'd love to know how it turns out.
:evilgrin:
User avatar
Roland Deschain
Sorcerer of Sauce
 
Posts: 3586
Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2010 2:13 pm
Location: BASE jumping off the Dark Tower.

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby pieces o'nine on Sun Mar 28, 2010 4:36 pm

Just found this and it made me smile. I hope there is more to the story (speaking strictly as a person with a moderately intact etheric field).

:zen:
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
User avatar
pieces o'nine
Look Upon Her Works, Ye Migyt, and Despair!
 
Posts: 8615
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2007 9:21 am
Location: Ocean o'Sand

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby tehrabbit on Sun May 02, 2010 2:54 am

You're terrible :)
User avatar
tehrabbit
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun May 02, 2010 2:35 am
Location: Seattle, Wa USA

Re: Prank email to a psychic surgeon

Postby Defender of thefaith on Thu May 06, 2010 5:09 pm

Ha thats hilarious.... You be a very funny man :D :lol:
User avatar
Defender of thefaith
Ziti Zealot
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 4:10 pm


Return to All Things FSM

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests